Whoa....

Uh, it's been kind of a long time. I know I am pretty much just writing this for myself now, but that's all good. I actually signed on here to create a new blog so I could post ebay pics... short, boring story... and thought I would look at my blog. It's been about a year since I last posted. So much has happened. Wow.

I look a little different, but not so much. Numbers have definitely changed, though. I struggle. A lot. I am in the high 170's right now. I owe that to total overeating of calorie-dense foods. I mow through cookies and chips, I have included fast food back in my diet. It's all stuff I know better than to do. I saw that I said I was 148 or something in my last post. That made me a little sad, to be honest. I don't even remember weighing that. 30 pounds less is crazy. I was wishing for 5-10 pounds less yesterday. I say I am trying but it's a lie. I am thinking about trying.

I have been more active than before. I have been playing tennis now and again. I am jobless so I am vowing to exercise. Vowing and doing aren't the same. Today's excuse is that my shoes are at my boyfriend's house.

Different bf than my last post. That guy cut and run. Whatev. This one... he is a keeper. Mike Miller... such an f'ing catch. We are both catches.

Still sober. 2 years and a week or so.

Signing off for now. I need to go post things on ebay to supplement my non-income.

Food is still a struggle and will always be, I suppose. Constant vigilance.

By the way...

This is me now.

Um, wow.

So, I got up this am after a blissful night of sleep (I only slept for 2 hours the night before) and decided I felt pretty skinny and that I should weigh myself. Now, last week I had to go a hole tighter on my belt so I know things are changing. I have noticed a much more pronounced thing goin' on with my collar bones too. So, I step on the scale (it's been 2 weeks since I last weighed) and I saw something miraculous. I weigh 148.4 pounds. I am in the 140's. It has been 10 years since I was in the 140's. The lowest I ever got with Phen Fen was 147 when I was 21 years old. Today I weigh 148.4 pounds and I am healthy. I am not eating flour, sugar and wheat. I am not obsessing over every bite of food I put in my mouth. I don't have the chaos that has surrounded food, whether I was heavier or thinner, my entire life. I feel pretty free from food obsession. It's amazing. I don't get on the scale every day. I don't weigh the once a month I supposed to but every 2 weeks is huge. I just keep saying the number to myself. I am really just amazed. I thought my journey was done. Even after my surgery, I was kind of resigned to the fact that I would still be kinda fat for the rest of my life - that the 160's, or maybe the 150's, would be where I had to live and I would just yoyo around there. That doesn't have to be. In fact, that isn't going to be. I get to keep losing until I am where I should be. I can be in my 130's and feel good and healthy. Do I wanna weigh 115? Sure - who doesn't? :) But do I HAVE to? Absolutely not. I just get to keep going to the point where I am healthiest and then I just get to live my life. It's amazing to imagine a life that isn't so dietcentric. I am excited about the life I get to lead.

On another happy note, I am dating someone. :) He is great. We've now been on 5 official dates. Like, real dates. He plans things and picks me up and opens car doors and walks on the side of the street where traffic is and does all kinds of romantic, sweet things. We went ice skating downtown last weekend, today we are going to the Getty Villa, Friday night we went to dinner... it's been really nice. I realize I have never really dated someone before. I kinda would just meet someone (always not in my city), get to know them a tiny bit on phone or email and then hook up and have a weird long distance/together 24 hours a day when we are in the same town relationship. I like doing things this way. I think I am finding I really like things a lot slower nowadays. It's been nice getting to know someone and having them get to know me. It's nice to have someone tell me I am a catch and believe them when they say it. There is definitely something to that whole "you have to love yourself in order to be loved" thing. At least it feels better that way.

Work is fantastic, life is great, sobriety is incredible and the world is a beautiful place. Who would have ever thought I would such a cheery person. God, I am annoying. :)

And now ti is time to sit down, turn on the XM Radio '40s station and read the sunday paper. I love being an 80 year old lady.

Life is good.

Seriously, life is really good. The salon is open for business and all is going well. We are slow on the customer scene but it will build. We have a bunch of press on us coming out this month and I really think that will build a lot of buzz. I have been on the floor more, instead of helping on the desk. I still like being able to help them out on the clerical side but I was getting frustrated watching the other associates get to work on dollheads and techniques while I answered the phones. We have our holiday party/celebratory dinner tonight at Dolce. I am gonna go find a party dress to wear, today. I'm excited. :)

I have been seeing a really great guy. :) His name is John and he is great. We've been out 4 times now and it has been really fun. I have never "dated" anyone, really. Like we are slowly getting to know each other every time we go out. I have always gone into relationships long distance so this is a really nice change. He is smart, funny, kind, romantic and just a really good guy. I think I am a fan. Last night we went ice skating downtown in Pershing Square, had dinner at the farmer's market and coffee at the Biltmore. Fun date. :)

Things with my food and weight have been going great. I weighed last week and I was at 152. Amazing. I have lost half of me since my highest weight. Well, highest weight that I know of. I feel amazing. I feel cute and girly and healthy and successful. I am still not eating flour, sugar or wheat. I have had some moments of straying off my plan - just in terms of timing and quantity - but for the most part I have really been sticking to things. I am so glad I finally am dealing with my food stuff. The surgeries have had a huge part in it. It's interesting how they ended up not being the solution, but rather what led me to it. The mental and emotional and spiritual rewards from my weight loss and this whole journey are immense and priceless.

I spoke at my regular Thursday AA meeting last week. My sponsor is the secretary of the meeting and she asked me to speak. It was weird. I had to tell my whole story in 15 minutes. I don't remember anything I said, really. I am told I was funny and touching and everything so that feels good. I feel like such a part of that meeting and AA in general. It is just such a good feeling. I am so thankful for everything that has come out of this - my life is better than I could veer imagine it being. Like, I knew things would get better if I got sober but I had no idea how amazing I would feel. I am actually happy. I thought I just wasn't a happy person. I was so wrong.

Material Necessities

I need to get some electronic accessories. I have pics on my camera fro the last few months that I need to share with you guys and I can't because I can't find my camera cord. I can't din my $9.99 camera cord so I don't post new pics. Something is wrong with that scenario.

I need to get some cell phone accessories. My phone - my pink razr that I coveted and spent way too much money on - has decided it no longer likes to charge using any of the devices I currently own or have been given, free of charge, by the guy at the AT&T store. It WILL charge using my friend Rachael's car charger that I have essentially stolen from her under the guise of borrowing it. A charger costs $29.99 and I refuse to buy one, even though I can only use my phone for like, 5 minutes every other day now because it is constantly dying and I can only charge it that tiny bit in my 5 minute commute to the salon. Again, it's a ridiculous scenario.

I need to buy some clothes. I can only wear black or white to work and I am finding I didn't prepare so well for this. I don't need fancy stuff or quality goods. I need a trip to Forever 21. For $100, I can probably score 6 shirts and that would pad my paltry selection quite well.

I need to get some gifts for folks for the holidays. Hannukah starts on freakin' Tuesday or something. Damn.

I need a bday present for a 7 year old. She likes princesses but I only buy kids books. Books are fun.

Looks like I just made today's to-do list. I also get to go to the Farmer's Market to buy my veggies for the week. I get to cook spaghetti sauce and meals for the week. I get to paint and work on new pieces that I am really enjoying getting creative with. I get to not go into the salon cuz they decided not to do a regular day today. I did get invited to lunch with the owners but I turned them down because a day off is rare in my world right now and I need to use it wisely. Even though I would have loved to hang with them - they are a hoot - I think I made a good decision on my day.

Enjoy your Sunday, my friends. Read your papers and run your errands and sing in the car and wear a comfy hoodie. I am really grateful for days like these. This is the true definition of Sunday.

Thanks Giving.

I feel like this is the first year I really understand the meaning of Thanksgiving. It's not about stories of Pilgrims and Indians. It's not even about harvest or bountiful crops. It is somewhat about traditions and family, but both of those things can change form throughout your life. Thanksgiving is really something that should be able to be celebrated everyday. In the last month or so, I have been able to say thank you everyday. I am so grateful for the life I have. I feel normal (whatever that is) for the first time in my life. I can do things that everyone else probably takes for granted like plan a day's activities, return something to a store, go to work everyday, get out of bed and not be filled with a sense of impending doom. This is miraculous to me. I don't know how I got here - I certainly didn't do it myself. I finally have a normal life. I am finally able to just deal with life's everyday tasks and I love each and every one of them. Going to the grocery store is cause for rejoicing. Running errands and doing house-y things really make me happy. I feel like I am getting to know myself and what I like for the first time in my life. I am 31 years old and I am just meeting me; and you know what? I think I really like me.

So thank you to each and everyone of you. Thank you FOR each and every one of you. Thank you to whatever it is out there who watches over all of us and pushes us along. Thank you to family who helps me get by and friends who pick me up. Thank you for my talents, my skills, my abilities and my fortune. Thank you for making me able to live my life happy, joyous and free - I am only sorry there are people who didn't have that option and others who don't choose it. Thank you for my new body and for the strength to learn how to keep it. Thank you for my sobriety and all the gifts that have come with it. Thank you for finding me a salon which is a perfect fit for me. Thank you for helping me figure out that sometimes silence is the most beautiful music there is. Thank you for my confidence and self esteem. Thank you for new friends and old ones. Thank you for the chance to get rid of resentments and make amends. Thank you for my warm bed and beautiful home. Thank you, even, for the cat that wakes me up at 6am every day; even she makes me smile.

I hope that you all have a wonderful thanksgiving. I hope you can all find something to be thankful for and that you know that at least one person out there is thankful for you.

2 years

Today is 2 years since my gastric bypass surgery. I truly have a different life. The changes are miraculous:

I am a size 8/10
I weigh in the 150's
I am sober
I am happy
I am not tired all the time
I am not in pain - ever, really
I don't see myself as a fat girl anymore
I got to have a lower body lift
The number of things I can do, that I couldn't do before, is extraordinary.

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I am so grateful for this life I have been given.

I am all over this...

So I saw this article on Yahoo today. They found a molecule that turns hunger on and off. It would be amazing if the next generation didn't have to deal with obesity and food addiction. Check out the article here.

Well, socal is on fire.

All I have been doing is watching Breaking News all day. Not true. I went to a meeting and some food but if I am here, I am watching the news. It's pretty fucked. Here is someting to take your minds off of the hellishness. Go look at the cutest things ever.

What we eat around the world...

I found this online and thought it was pretty cool to see what families around the world spend on food and what food they buy. Yeah, Americans are not so healthy but Germans and Mexicans aren't doin' so hot with their nutrition either. Check it out.

Updates!

I am feeling so much better. Wow. It's been 4 weeks and one day since surgery and I am a new woman. the only thing I have to be careful of is straining muscle stuff but otherwise, i am doing so well. I have so much more confidence, I can't even believe it. I am in a size 8 or 10, depending on the clothes, I wear a size 30 jeans and a size Large juniors or M women's tops. It is so cool. I feel good. I don't feel like the fat girl anymore. It's amazing. There are times I feel better than others but overall, and I have been waiting my whole life to say this, I think I feel normal. It's all I ever wanted.

I was taking Ativan to help me relax enought o get to sleep but last night I didn't take it and I think I might have actually slept better. I didn't wake up groggy at all and I feel rested. I think I need to stop taking it and just bite the bullet and learn to fall asleep again. It's hard because my go-tohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif-sleep position is on my stomach - that signals bedtime to me - and I can't lay like that so I get frustrated. I will try to just work with what I have for now.

I have been spending tons of time with my mom lately and it has been really fun. With my new job and my new body, I have gotten really into fashion and style and my mom is a great buddy in that! We shop together and look online at stuff - it's fun! We also geek out about books and puzzles too - don't worry! :)

I am starting my 4th step again this week. I am doing really well and feeling really good about my sobriety. My sponsor is the most amazing woman ever. We have so much fun together and she just helps me so much. I am looking forward to moving on with all the work I have/get to do to stay sober and really, kinda be a better person and have a better life. Baby steps.

Off to drink some coffee. I am doing a new person's hair today - she was a client when I assisted an advanced course at school and one of the stylists who was in the class gave her my email to contact for a cut. I am excited, I think. I am also nervous as shit. But I need to remember, she did come to the school to get cut the first time, so she is open to a beginner, and she doesn't know the difference. It's all about confidence. i know I have the skill to cut her hair. It might not be a perfect Sassoon cut but it will do her well. We'll do a color consult while I am there too so I'll do that tomorrow or next week. Yay for income!!!

Random but so amazing.

I was stumbling around the internet tonight and ended up at this website: The Willard Suitcase Exhibit Online. It is an awesome exhibit, and book, that was put together around all of the suitcases that were found in the attic of an abandoned building at Willard Mental Institution in New York, after it closed. The suitcases belonged to former inmates throughout the years. The website is beautiful and the content is really interesting. The stories of the people, the amount of time they spent at the institution and the things they kept are all fascinating. Check it out.

Not for the squeamish...

So, my surgeon gave me a picture of what they cut from my body and I have it right here. :) I really want to post it on here but I do worry that people might get a bit grossed out. I don't care! It''s so cool! I wish I could have made something out of the skin. :) Is that weird? ;) Well, here goes. Here is 10 lbs. of Neely that I have been carrying around my entire life and so do not need anymore. You can't have it though. Apparently it's considered a biohazard. Stupid medical waste.

I will have before and afters up here soon. I can't find my stupid camera cord. I am feeling good though and am healing well. I don't have to go back to the doctor til November now. My swelling is going down and I can shop. :) I had no idea how much I loved shopping. Wow. I can't wait til I make money again. :)

My birthday was Tuesday. I turned 31. It was mildly traumatic but ok. I am looking forward to the next year. I think that things will really change a lot and that is exciting. I can't wait to see where everything goes. I think it is going to be amazing to see what is in store for me!!

Thank fucking god.

Today I had my last drain removed. I don't know if I was gonna make it for a bit there. I am so thankful to have it out. The drain site was really hurting for the last few days and I was really just over it. I also had to wait til the drains were out to shower (I have been sponge bathing - yuck) and start wearing my compression garment. I also get to stop taking antibiotics. I don't know why I wanted to stop taking them so bad but just having to make sure I take them 4 times a day and with food and blah blah blah. That is done. Phew.

It's been kinda hard for the last few days for me. I have been in a lot of pain. I kinda feel like I have been hit by a truck and my stomach muscles feel like they are on fire at times. I think I was doing so well the first 2 weeks cuz I was managing my pain really well so I was up and around ok. Now, I am only taking tylenol, which is so not working. I am having a really hard time sleeping - both falling asleep and staying asleep. I know this is affecting my emotional state, too. When you don't sleep, you don't heal. I need to get better so I am going to try to be more regular with my Tylenol and taking my Ativan at night to help me relax and sleep. I think I was really not wanting to put substances in my body cuz I didn;t want to get used to the feeling. I know I just need to do what my doctor says and take my meds.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get myself out of this hole I am finding myself in. I went to a meeting yesterday and it felt really good. Things'll get better. I just need to focus on staying in the moment and seeing how things are improving.

Where's my paycheck?!

I got this email today. Badly written, though it is, I couldn't be happier.

Congratulations!!!!!!
Team Members you have been chosen to be a part of the Doves Hair Art Team. We plan to open the salon early November and we would like to start by giving you training ahead of our start date.
We have planned a two days of training on October the 7th and 8th at R&D Wella.
6109 De Soto Avenue,
Woodland Hills CA 91367
At 10:00am.
On October 7th you will need to bring a notebook and pen for the morning segment which will be about System Proffessional which is wella’s prescriptive range of care and styling and in the afternoon at 1:00pm on the 7th of October arrange for two blow dry models, one who will need to be blow dryed straight from curly( long) and one second model who will need to be round brush styling to give volume and ready to go out.

Monday the 8th is all day color class (theory only)

We have also planned an intensive 2day class on the 14th and 15th of October with Chris and Sonya at the same address, all tools to be brought.
This class will be on mannequins and will be quite intense. It will be designed to cover all aspects of hairdressing and will help all of us to be on the same page as far as cutting, color and styling etc.
We are very excited about the new Dove Team and thank you for your enthusiasm and professionalism.


Yay!!! I got my job!!! I am getting paid crap but I get thousands of dollars in education and an amazing opportunity. My friend Rachael also got hired - that is a huge bonus. Out of 500 people, we made it. Not bad!

post op depression

I am pretty sure I am going through some post op depression. I am miserable. I am having some pretty fhitty anxiety about everything around me. I am just feeling shitty. I want to isolate. I want to eat. I want to drink. I hate feeling like this. I haven't taken a real shower in 11 days and I feel disgusting. I am clean-ish and stuff but I just wanna shower. I have one last drain left to remove and it just isn't going down. I need it to be at 30cc or less per day and it is still at 60 every day. It's not coming out anytime soon. Once the drain is out, I can shower and wear my regular compression garment but not until then. Now I still sponge bathe and wear my waist binder. I think I am just feeling so unsettled still. It's really taking its toll. Then, on top of those feelings, I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know post op depression is real - there is tons of stuff online about it and it was warned about and stuff. It still feels bad though.

I also have my second interview with The Doves tomorrow. I have to do a model's cut and color. I am bringing my mom - I have done her hair a ton of times so it will at least be familiar. I feel liek she really doesn;t need a hair cut, though. I will just take off a tiny bit, I guess. I am so nervous. I don't know what i will do, really, if they don't hire me. I have totally put all my eggs in one basket here. And ot working for so long has eroded at my confidence and made me feel just yuck. I want my daily routine back. I want to be working again. I am over this. It feels so bad.

Sorry for such a dark update. I am just really in a crappy headspace right now. I feel a little better having spilled it here, though. I need to just get through tomorrow. I need to be going to meetings again. I need to be focusing on AA a lot more too. Wish me luck.

Healing time.

Oy, this is taking some time. I am in a much better headspace than I was last time I wrote. I had my little mental breakdown and am on the way to recovery, I think. I had my check in appointment yesterday so I actually got dressed and left the house for the first time. If you are ever taking care of someone going through this, I really recommend getting them out of the house. Just tot he store or anywhere. It helps to feel more human.Sitting around in my pajamas all the time is not good for the mind. I had a weird bout of agorophobia when I was getting ready to go to the doctor yesterday. I got kind of scared and anxious about having to be out in the world around people. It scared me to feel like that. I think that is motivating me to get myself together and get out and do stuff while also making sure to rest and heal my body.

I finally saw myself in clothes - it was amazing. My body looks like anyone else's. And my little tush is really cute. :) I am excited to see how I fit into clothes and what size I actually wear. I am just doing the yoga pants thing for now. It is amazing to put pants on, though, and not have to cover my fat stomach. I don't have to worry about my saggy stomach in front. The pants just go on. I can't wait to get this last drain out so I can just put stuff on normally.

Yesterday was one week since surgery and I went in to the doctor for a check in. I did get 3 of the drains taken out yesterday at the doctor but one drain is still putting out a lot of fluid so it will be in for a while longer. Dr. Orringer was thrilled with the results. We are already talking about getting the next surgery planned. He said he is thinking that he might be ok with a scar down my middle so that he can take out a little last bit of skin that is right downthe center of my stomach. We'll see what happens. I am more than ready to get the next step started. It's weird - having this done has actually motivated me to exercise. I am really looking forward to getting back on the treadmill. I like the idea of my body not bouncing around when I work out. I am excited about that and excited to get the rest of my body matching this new me. The dr. said he was amazed at my progress and that i was healing os well and I was a great patient. Felt good. :)

Today i am gonna try to get to a meeting. I am just gonn aatry and get up and about as much as I can. Wish me luck!

ow.

Well, I am home and healing. I will do the whole description thing soon but I figured I would do a quick check in first. I am kinda glum, I guess. I am bored but don't want any company. I just want to be better. Everything definitely hurts but it's not awful, I guess. I washed my hair this am and took a faux shower. I felt gross. I am just bored, I think. Everything is annpying me. I am about to kill the cat. My computer keeps randomly going to sleep. There is nothing on tv. My netflix is taking forever. I think I need to just deal with my meds and take something to relax and for the pain but I get all anxious that I am using stuff wrong. I don't wanna fuck up but I also need to be taking meds as I need them. I dunno. I am just bored and irritated, I think.

This is it for a while...

I go into surgery in approximately 11 hours. I am as prepared as I am ever gonna be, I guess. I just packed my stuff to take with me. Not really sure what I need. I brought socks and undies and facewash and lotion and crap. I tried to buy pjs at Ross today but ended up empty handed. I can never decide on anything when I am there. Now I wish I had bought something. Ugh. Oh well. If I need anything I can always send someone home - I only live, like, 10 blocks from the place I will be. I am sure it will all be fine. Whatev.

I am excited and nervous. I am expecting everything and nothing, all at the same time. I don't know what is going to come out of all of this but I really just hope... I don't know what I hope. I just hope.

See you all on the other side.

The time is nigh...

You can tell I am getting close to the date of surgery just by the level of irritation and pissed off-ness I am displaying in my everyday life. Everything is annoying. Every little thing around me is totally, ugh, I don't even know how to describe it. I hate feeling this way. This feeling is the polar opposite of serenity. I am over-analyzing everything. I am overthinking even the most minute details in my life. I am feeling guilt and shame and all this crap about things that don't even matter. I feel like my life is way out of control. It kind of is, I guess. The time is finally here and I feel like I wanna do all this stuff but I can't or won't (I am not sure which). I don;t even know what it is I necessarily want to be doing - it just feels like I should be doing something.

Today, I was going to go help my friend Elisa clean out stuff from her dad's house and move it back to hers. I also have to get my color done before surgery and today is the only day I can do it. Totally meaningful task versus totally superficial, but necessary to me, task. I hate those kind of decisions. I am going to try to do both. Makes me feel like a selfish asshole and that is a terrible way to feel. Blech.

I also wanted to hang out with the potential guy before my surgery but I don't know when that will happen, if at all. In my new panic filled mindset where I no longer have the power to make good decisions, I am being all crazy in my head about things with him instead of just letting stuff happen. My solution for now is to just be crazy in y own world and not involve him in any of it. It's better that way.

I ate my weight in food at the fair on Saturday. That is also making me feel like shit. My goal in going to the fair was to eat 0- I knew it, I planned it that way, goos fun, right? Well, it didn;t make me feel so great afterwards. Food is entertaining but I get obsessed. I hate it. After all my treadmilling, i think I lost like .2 pounds this week. Yes, that is two tenths of a pound. I ate enough to balance out all that workingout. Oh well. At least i didn;t gain. I just think I have gotten to the point where I know I have a serious probem with food - just as serious as I do with other substances. I hate that but I need to figure something ut with all fo this. It just feels bad inside. I didn;t work out yesterday cuz I was hanging with Jason but I will go get on the treadmill in a few minutes and hopefully walk for a long time. Or at least just do it. I am sure I have a podcast to distract me.

Sorry for the negative feeling to this post - I am just feeling crazy. I did have a great time at the fair with moll on saturday. We saw tiny, teeny baby pigs that i wanted to steal. We also saw the biggest cow ever. We paid an extra buck to see this giant steer and I thought, ok, how big could it be? It was huge. HUGE. I was in awe. I could have stayed there and stared at it for an hour, I swear. It was insane. I have never seen anythng like it. There is no way to understand it unless you see it. i didn;t. Huge. We went on the giant slide and ate funnel cake (it was delicious) and deep fried smores and I got a turkey leg and a corn dog. See what I mean about food? Oy. But it was so much fun. We walked around for, like, 6 hours straight. I say everyone shoudl go to the County Fair. So worth it.

Off to my pseudo busy day. 2 more days and this is done. I am so finished with waiting. Ugh. I want my sanity back.

We're off to the fair!!

I am taking Moll to the LA County Fair today for an early bday celebration. I am very excited. We're gonna go see the baby animals and all the as seen on tv stuff - we might buy a crazy mop or the Debbie Meyers Green Bags! I am quite excited for a day of Americana. Gotta love traveling inland a little.

One day closer to surgery. I haven't been sleeping well at all. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and then staying up for an hour or so. It's annoying. This morning it was 5am-6:30ish. I have gotten in some extra tv time - that's been a bonus. Not so much. Hopefully the sleeping trouble will go away soon.

Good 2nd date last night. That's a first for me. He knows I am having surgery and all about the bypass and stuff. I had to tell him. We're in a "talk soon" place now. I think all will be well. We get along really well and seem to have lots in common. It's nice to just let stuff happen and not be all crazy about it. Amazing how well that works in all aspects of my life.

Still treadmilling. Not so motivated this am but I did it anyway. The fried foods I might (plan to) eat at the fair today will at least be a tiny bit counteracted.

Waiting for time to pass sucks. I have spent a lot of time looking at my body and checking out things that aren't gonna be there anymore. I have spent my whol elife - seriously, since I can remember - with my fat, hangy stomach. It has always been there, sticking out around my underwear, ruining the chance of anything looking even remotely sexy or cute. That is going to be gone. I have always wondered what it was like to just have your midsection be continuous - not have it divided by a fat roll. I will finally know what that is like. I can't get my head around that yet. I don't think I will really be able to get it until it's been there for a while. I have realized how much the skin really is getting in the way of exercise. I have been jogging for bits of time on the treadmill and it is just painful with my skin all loose. My arms rub against my sides too and it hurts after a while. In a year all will be better, I hope.

I have been painting a lot, oddly enough. Bought some little canvases and paints at the store and have just been being artsy. It's actually been really fun. Who knew?

Enjoy your day - wish you were coming to the fair!!

I am not such a patient patient.

I am doing the countdown dance again. Last time I did this, I was so busy with work and preparing at the Museum that I didn't really have time to think about it so much. Not this time around. All I do is think about surgery. I get excited then nervous. I get terrified then totally blissful. I think about how incredible it is going to look then I think about how not up to my expectations it might be. I am all over the place. I have to remember it is going to be better than now. Anything is better than now.

In my treadmill/exercise extravaganza as of late, I have realized my first REAL impediment this skin is causing. When I pump my arms as I walk, my skin really rubs. Like, my arms and my side really get not so good feeling. It is shitty. The side skin will be addressed in surgery 2 and maybe the arms soon after that. I hope so.

By the way, I have decided not to put before and after pics from surgery on this site. I am more than happy to share them with anyone who wants to email me for them but there are some people who might still read this who I don't necessarily want seeing me butt naked in my before and afters. Maybe I will put up some censored ones so you can get an idea. We'll see.

Off to another day. Treadmill, nail painting, sponsor meeting (yay!), hair cutting (mine, this time), and then a lovely date to watch the latest season of nip/tuck on dvd. Second date. Interesting. Wish me luck!

"Always expect better things ahead."

I read that this morning and it just made sense. I used to be of the "expect the worst; then anything else will be a pleasant surprise" school of thought. Fuck that. I say expect the best and then deal with any bumps you might face along the way. Why expect the worst? To settle for failure before it even happens? To lower your standards? To demean yourself by thinking you don't deserve the best? No way. Everyone deserves the best if they really want it and work towards it. You just have to put in the work. That is all. And the work? Not so tough. Just do good in the world and for yourself and others. Simple.

I am such a freakin' optimist. Damn.

By the way, surgery is one week from today. One week from right now, I will be cut in half. Actually, from right now they will probably be sewing my new bellybutton in or maybe cutting off the excess neely. :) I hope I can get them to take pictures of the skin they cut off of me - I seriously want a picture of it. I just wanna see what I don;t have to carry around anymore. I am getting so excited. Ack!

4 years

4 years ago yesterday, my friend Ari died. I was so caught up in my stuff and so unaware of what day it even was to notice until last night. I miss Ari very much. I miss him in little everyday things that happen. I miss him when I don't get to share stuff in my life with him. I miss him when I am going through so many changes and he isn't here to see it. I miss him when I think of things I should have told him years ago and will never have the chance to. I miss him when I find things that help me out in my life and I know could have helped him but he won't ever get to find out about. I miss the stupid things we had in common. I miss the fucked up friendship we had because there were so many things we didn't have in common. I miss the peacefulness when I finally realized that he was just going to be in my life forever and I could finally stop fighting for him. I hate the feeling of knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth that could ever be.

Ari, I miss you more than you could have ever assumed I would. I found all the stuff from when you died when I was moving - the obituaries people sent me from Boston after I put an ad on Craigslist asking for them; the obits from LA; the thing from your funeral here; letters I wrote to you right after you died. I even found the tape of messages you left on my answering machine that you hated me for having. I can't bring myself to listen to those just yet. In time...

I miss you, Ar. I love you. I hate this day. Such a waste. Such a dumb mistake.

Commitment revision (i.e., let's make reasonable goals instead of needing everything to be so fucking black and white)

Um, I hate to admit mistakes but I may have been a bit overzealous in yesterday's commitments. I did do the treadmill (52 minutes, 2.75 miles, 383 calories) and I did stop eating earlier than usual (10:15pm or so) but I need to see that reasonable goals make for a successful outcome. I tracked all my calories (1400 in total yesterday) and my WW points (28, I think) but I was so aggravated and generally pissed off by day's end that I needed to get a little laxer on myself. Then, when I woke up today and logged onto the WW website, I found this article there:

The dog days of summer are over, Labor Day has come and gone. The kids are back in school and work is cranking up again. As you ready yourself for fall, you might realize that summer's ice cream cones, barbecues and vacation meals may have weakened your weight-loss resolve.

Now is the perfect time to get "back on track!" We asked several Leaders in the New York City area how to do just that. Their overwhelming response was to start small. Losing weight can sometimes seem overwhelming, but breaking down a sizable goal into mini-goals can make the process more manageable.

Many try to do too much too soon. A better tactic is to take one small step, which moves you closer to the next small step. Soon all of those steps add up and you're cruising along!

Our Back on Track Challenge can help you re-start your weight-loss efforts. Each week, for the next four weeks, we'll suggest a single, simple habit for you to practice during that week. As you move forward, we challenge you to continue with the habit from the previous week, while adding a new one.


Week 1: Step Back on the Scale
Our challenge to you this week is simply to get back on the scale. Whether at home or in the meeting room, you'll find out exactly where you stand. It may seem scary, but with that information, you can assess the situation and start to do something about it. After you find out the results, visit the "Back on Track" Message Board and share your experience . If the scale is too intimidating, just get to a meeting. It's a step in the right direction.

Duh. This takes time. I needed to use a patch to quit smoking, what makes me think that quitting my bad eating habits will be any different? It is ok for me to start this with exercise and healthier choices. I will eat popcorn for a snack instead of bowls of cereal. I won't get frozen yogurt every day. I will try to find more creative ways to spend my time, other than eating. That is all I need to do. I need to do whatever I can do - it is a step in the right direction.

On a more serious note...

...I am out of control with my eating. I quit smoking for surgery, and I know that is a really good thing, but I am using food now; I am no longer eating it. I just eat constantly. I snack like it is going out of style. I need to get this under control. I have gained like 5 pounds, I think, in the last 2 weeks. That is unacceptable. Thankfully, I woke up fed up today. I started to write down what I eat and track it on the ww site online. Even if I don't do perfectly, at least I am holding myself accountable for it. I don;t want to be heavier than I already am for this surgery. I really wanna be as low as I can be but I am just eating so much. All I do all night is eat. I am feeding a hunger that is so not physical. It is so dumb. So today I am committing to 3 things, just until surgery for now:

Track all the food I eat - even the not so good stuff.

Treadmill every day - I don't have to run a marathon but I have to walk for at least 45 minutes.

No more eating after 9pm. I can be fine all day and then consume 2000 calories (I don't really know how much) between 9 and 2am. Not ok.

So that is my plan. I am determined to do everything I can to stick to it. It is so not going to be easy. I think i am really going to have to go moment by moment on this, especially the not eating at night. I have had to give up other things that I couldn;t ignore were unhealthy for me. Food, the way I am consuming it, needs to be placed in the same category for me. It all comes down to what kind of life I want to lead. I want to be free of this shit and I just need to face it and do it. And chew a lot of gum and drink a lot of Crystal Light. :)

Wish me luck.

Lemme geek out for just one second....

Ok, so, not so surprising to all of you, I am sure, but when I am a big reader. Sure, I go through phases but I will always love books. I am even learning to accept my inherited nerdiest-license-plate-ever (N2BOOKS; thanks mom). Well, this has been going on my whole life. As would happen with anything you have a passion for, there are certain things within hat passion that stand out - favorite movies, foods, people... Well, books have done the same for me - the Harry Potters, Gone with the Wind, anything Howard Zinn writes, and countless others. Well, the other thing that gave me that feeling when I was a young 'tween was Stephen King. Reading IT was a huge turning point in my imaginative life. I read everything of his I could find after that. And this brings me to my favorite short story of his, The Mist. It was the first story (and way longest one) in his book of short stories, Skeleton Crew, and now, after a million years, they are finally making it into a movie. :) I am way excited. This story was so creepy and just so... good. I dunno. November 27th. I am there.

Serenity

(Some of you who know me assumed this post was gonna be about something Whedon-esque. Sorry to disappoint.)

I found this quote online today and it really summed up what has helped me make the most changes in my life and reap some serious benefits:

"I will not wrestle with every problem today. Some problems will be
dealt with later and some will seem to solve themselves. I will
know that I am part of an upward development that is continuing."

It seems so easy - all you have to do is just let it go and know that it's all just gonna be ok. I admit, I can't alway find the courage to do this but when I can, and when I realize I just have been for a while, I can see how good things are. It is really cool.

Just try and take that in - everything is going to be ok. Better yet, everything is going to be so much more than ok - everything is going to be fucking awesome.

God damn I am bored.

I am so done waiting. I am in this lame-o limbo place right now and it has officially gotten old. I have 12 days until surgery. I really don't have much to do until then except do hair occasionally and, well, not much else. Booooring.

My trip up north was fun. I did a lot of hair. I cut and colored my dad's wife and her daughter. It all turned out great. I also cut my dad's hair and beard which is always fun. :) In SF, I ended up cutting Allison's fringe into a straight across deal which was so cute. Then my old roomie Lisa's boyfriend had me cut his fringe then Lisa wanted hers cut. Her hair was super fun cuz she was way open to anything. Her hair was already pretty short and I know her style so I cropped it all down except the top and just made it all fun. It was rad. I made money off my dad and his fam but the sf ones were spontaneous and free. I also got to see my frined Kim who is doing the hair thing too, only through the apprentice program. She is doing so great and she looks amazing and she just rocks. I love that girl. All in all a very successful trip.

Being in SF was weird. I didn't get that feeling of awe when I came over the bay bridge. It was weird. I always got that feeling in the past. I felt way disconnected from the city. Al and I walked around the Mission a little and that helped a lot, actually, but it made me remember how much I liked SF. The people there are just different. The city is just different. I would consider going back, I think. Not now but maybe some day. Oh, and I got a fucking speeding ticket IN THE CITY! So annoying. They were just pulling people over on Park Presidio (main thoroughfare) and I got swooped into the net. Oh well. We'll see how much that costs. I haven't been pulled over since my DUI when I was 21.

Went on a good date last night. :) Nice boy. Cute. Gentlemanly. We'll see.

Off to go buy color for highlights I am doing later today. Whatever keeps me going. I am charging next to nothing but it's for family and it keeps me working. Oh and I got business cards! Woo hoo!

I did my final dr. appt to get all my preop stuff done - bloodwork and ekg and stuff. I keep feeling like they will find something wrong with me that will delay the surgery. I think I felt like this before my gastric bypass too, though. I never believe it is really gonna happen until I am in that room. Better to be prepared, right?

Yay Friday. :)

And Tuesday was a good day.

I did the treadmill again this morning. I did 20 minutes again but at a higher elevation and a little faster at times. All good. Hopefully the same will happen tomorrow. Go me!

I am still off smoking - thank god for this surgery or it never would have happened.

I went for a job interview with Allen Pacheco today. He seems great and I would seriously consider the job if the Doves thing didn;t pan out. I have my second interview with them on September 24, by the way. I called and asked my doctor if he thought I would be ok, only 12 days out from surgery and they thought I would be fine since I am young and healthy.

This deserved its own paragraph, I thought. I started out this whole journey with a BMI of 50.5, which is Super Obese. I checked it again today and I am at 29.4. I am officially overweight! I am not obese of any kind anymore! I don;t mind being overweight at all. Fuck it. Just thought I would let y'all know that. :)

I heart smoking.

But I still quit. I stopped last Thursday, August 16th, at 5:30pm. I am on the patch and think I am gonna step down to the 2nd stage this thursday. I am supposed to be nicotine free for 2 weeks before surgery so it'll have to be that way. I miss smoking. I really like smoking. It eases my mind and calms the nerves and gives me something to do when I have nothing else to do. I don't wanna crochet to replace it. I just wanna smoke. And eat. Ugh.

I got up and walked on the treadmill this am. I have almost done that a few times int he last week but today I really did. I only did 20 minutes but I got sweaty and I worked. So tomorrow I will do a little more. I really would like to lose 5 more pounds before surgery. I don't know if I can do it but I am sure as hell gonna try.

I have my preop appt on thursday at 1 so I'll let you know how it goes. I have an interview at some salon tomorrow afternoon that I probably won't work for but it is worht the effort. I have lunch plans today, meetings to go to, phone calls to make - I am very busy.I just need to keep getting my shit done and all will be well. I am assuming I will have to get a bunch of bloodwork done before surgery so that will fill up my time nicely in the next couple weeks. And I am going up north this weeknd to san jose to see my dad and to sf to see my lovely allison. I can't wait to give that girl a hug. It's been over a year now and it is weird wihtout her, although I feel like sh is always here. I will get to make some money doing my dad's wife' hair, and her daughter's highlights. I hope they know it costs some dough for that - their colors alone cost $40. I am thinking 60 for color, 80 for highlights and 40 for both cuts - that will be my discount. I have to give them a deal - it's my dad's fam. But I need the money and I am worht every penny - more, really. :)

Yay for things progressing!

Am I dreaming?

I swear I must be because I never thought this day would come. I officially have a surgery date for my Lower Body Lift (LBL). On one of my favorite days of the year, both my sisters' bdays, I will be starting my new life. September 12, 2007 at 6:30 in the early this gets done. I will finally feel like I actually did this, you know? I will get to see what really is going on under all this skin. It's a good day for it - Moll and Les's bdays, early fall (my fave time of year) and it is erev rosh hashanah (the night before the Jewish New Year) so I get to start my next year totally new. I am so excited. My mo and Molly are both off work for the couple days after, too, so it works out well. I told Molly i owe her a bday this year. :)

I was waiting for insurance to clear some stuff but they would have made me go to another doctor and for the amount I am paying, the percentage they would have covered, if any, didn't make it worth it. I am also on a time frame - I need to be healed in time to really start working by October 1ish so mid-September had to be the time. This means that, if work allows and everything goes ok, I could do phase 2 by mid-december and be new again for the new year. If I could go into 2008 feeling better about my body under my clothes, I don't even know... I try and explain how it wiuld make me feel, and I try to think I even know how it is going to make me feel but I have no idea. People who have had it done talk about this freedom they feel. God, to not have to be so worried about my skin... to not feel it all the time. That will be nice.

So I quit smoking yesterday - I have the patch on right now and got up early cuz of the crazy dreams the patch makes me have. I started my regimen of vitamin c and iron yesterday also. I have my pre-op appointment on August 23rd at 1pm - that is next Thursday, I believe. At the appointment I get all my actual info. I pay them a huge chunk of money, too. Ugh. I booked my 2 nights post-op at Serenity, this aftercare facility I have to stay at for 2 nights instead of the actual hospital (you can come visit me there!!) where they monitor me and deal with meds and all that good stuff.

I can't wait to get all the drawings and stuff on me so I can see where stuff is gonna get removed and moved to. I have been looking at peoples' blogs and stuff online to see their processes and results and have even found a few who have similar bodies to mine and it is amazing. I mean, I am gonna wake up without all this yucky skin hanging. No more front butt!! People seem to get amazing results. I am not expecting perfection, just a new start. It will be like losing the weight all over again. For real.

Off to my day. I have really been enjoying writing in my blog again. Glad I am back. :)

Ok, one person still emailed me back.

Fine. I got one person to email me back. And I got some reassurance from a friend. And I got up today and did my hair (which I am still not stoked on) and my makeup (a little better) and went and got waxed so I feel a bit more human. More like an attractive, female human, at least. It'll be a slow road, I am sure, but I will get my groove back.

Apparently, I am completely unattractive.

I put up an ad on Craigslist yesterday. A simple w4m, straightfoward, just wanna meet somebody to hang with ad. Got a few good responses that were grammatically correct, more than one sentence, not written in all caps, and not including a picture of their naked parts. I wrote a couple of them back, put in some pics of me or a link to my myspace so they could check out all the different pics I have on there - usual stuff. Not one single response. They all just disappeared. Huh. I had no idea I was so ugly. Not the boost to my ego I was looking for, I have to admit. I kinda had this idea in my head that, sans all the weight, I am kinda cute. I was apparently wrong. I am the kinda girl that you are stoked about meeting until you see what she looks like and then you never email back. I think 8 guys chose that option over the last 24 hours.

My ad was clear - I have short hair, I am tattooed, I am not your average gal. I guess I should have written that I am not as cute as you want me to be. Or I want to be, I suppose. Maybe sitting around, unemployed, without makeup on for the last 6 weeks is having an effect on me - who knows. Maybe I am cute but I have bad pics right now. Maybe I look like a 45 year old saggy formerly fat lady with grandma hair. That's kinda how I feel, at least. Blech. I hate this. In the last 6 weeks I have had one date and it sucked. The guy was a jerk and obviously completely uninterested fromt he second he walked in the door. And now this. Needing some ego stroking please.

Maybe I will wake up less ugly tomorrow. Maybe my hair will grow really quickly and I will get my cuteness back. Right now, nothing is looking so great. I think today, even though I have nothing to do and am trying to find a reason to leave the house, I will do my hair in a new way to try and offset the desperate need for a haircut, and actually put on makeup. Even if it is just to go sit at starbucks and read my encyclopedia. I need somethin', people. This blows.

Being unemployed rocks.

I went to palm springs by myself this week. My mom had booked a room but ended up moving this week so I took it for 2 nights. I had so much fun. I brought a bunch of books (I started my journey to read the encyclopedia, even if I did have to start with a 1978 version and the letter "I") and my computer and Buffy and had a blast. I went to the casinos a bit and won a bunch of money which i promptly lost. It's all good though. I came home with cash in hand. If you have never taken a vacation alone, I highly recommend it. I sat by the pool, swam, relaxed and just had some alone time. I was surprised how much i enjoyed it. And it was gorgeous in the desert. I was actually in La Quinta, at the La Quinta Resort. It butts up right against the mountains there and it was just gorgeous. Blue blue blue skies and red rock mountains. I didn't get any pics, sorry. But I am definitely gonna try to go again. It was beautiful.

My plastic surgery consult went great. My doctor was amazing. His name is Jay Orringer and he was my next door neighbor a million years ago. The second we started the exam, he opened my gown and just said "Yeah, this needed to be done yesterday." So he agreed I need to have surgery - it's not my imagination. He was really enthusiastic and took a ton of time checking me out and everything. It was a little odd being poked and prodded and stared at. He kept lifting skin and moving it around and squeezing bits and stuff. He measured me with calipers and weird devices. It was really odd standing there having someone look at all the bits of me that I am so disgusted with but knowing he would fix them helped.

Basically the plan is this: Lower Body Lift as soon as we can schedule it. I have to wait to hear if insurance will cover any of it and I also have to quit smoking for 4 weeks. I need to do that soon. A minimum of 3 months after that, he will do a breast lift and inner thigh lift. He is not going to do any implants, which I am very glad about. It will just be a lift. He is going to take tissue from my side, like next to my boob, and fold it in on itself to create fullness in my upper breast area. I should end up the same size as now, just in the right places and stuff. Inner thigh lift is pretty straightforward. Originally he vetoed doing my arms - the scars are really bad and almost never worth it. After he looked at mine, though, he agreed it was necessary. I don't just have saggy skin, I have wrinkled, dimpled, elephant skin on my arms. I hate it. I was willing to live with it if he really thought i should but my arms are really bad. So my arm surgery will be last in line, somewhere down the road. I am so excited about all fo this though.

Now for the scary part - the price. I had been looking at nationwide averages for ths stuff and figured it would be about $40k for everything. Not so much. The lower body lift is $22k alone. The breasts and thighs are $29k and I don't know what the arms will cost. Basically, this is my house. I am building my future in my body rather than property. I have thought about it a lot and I am ok with that. I am more than ok. I have been through so much to get to this point. I have worked damn hard and been through a lot - emotionally, mentally and obviously physically. I want this. I want to complete this process. This will make it real. This will make it all worth it. This will make my body complete. I can't run, I can't wear clothes that really fit me, I can't see the results of what I worked so hard to accomplish and that is demotivating. I want to see what is under all this skin. I want to be who I can be. Dr. Orringer couldn't stress enough how much this would change my life. I am so excited.

Other than that stuff, life is good. The apartment is coming together. Lesl was n town and she helped us do so much. I am really excited about this place. Moll and I have had fun and been doing well together. This seems like it is gonna work out great.

:)