The time is nigh...
You can tell I am getting close to the date of surgery just by the level of irritation and pissed off-ness I am displaying in my everyday life. Everything is annoying. Every little thing around me is totally, ugh, I don't even know how to describe it. I hate feeling this way. This feeling is the polar opposite of serenity. I am over-analyzing everything. I am overthinking even the most minute details in my life. I am feeling guilt and shame and all this crap about things that don't even matter. I feel like my life is way out of control. It kind of is, I guess. The time is finally here and I feel like I wanna do all this stuff but I can't or won't (I am not sure which). I don;t even know what it is I necessarily want to be doing - it just feels like I should be doing something.
Today, I was going to go help my friend Elisa clean out stuff from her dad's house and move it back to hers. I also have to get my color done before surgery and today is the only day I can do it. Totally meaningful task versus totally superficial, but necessary to me, task. I hate those kind of decisions. I am going to try to do both. Makes me feel like a selfish asshole and that is a terrible way to feel. Blech.
I also wanted to hang out with the potential guy before my surgery but I don't know when that will happen, if at all. In my new panic filled mindset where I no longer have the power to make good decisions, I am being all crazy in my head about things with him instead of just letting stuff happen. My solution for now is to just be crazy in y own world and not involve him in any of it. It's better that way.
I ate my weight in food at the fair on Saturday. That is also making me feel like shit. My goal in going to the fair was to eat 0- I knew it, I planned it that way, goos fun, right? Well, it didn;t make me feel so great afterwards. Food is entertaining but I get obsessed. I hate it. After all my treadmilling, i think I lost like .2 pounds this week. Yes, that is two tenths of a pound. I ate enough to balance out all that workingout. Oh well. At least i didn;t gain. I just think I have gotten to the point where I know I have a serious probem with food - just as serious as I do with other substances. I hate that but I need to figure something ut with all fo this. It just feels bad inside. I didn;t work out yesterday cuz I was hanging with Jason but I will go get on the treadmill in a few minutes and hopefully walk for a long time. Or at least just do it. I am sure I have a podcast to distract me.
Sorry for the negative feeling to this post - I am just feeling crazy. I did have a great time at the fair with moll on saturday. We saw tiny, teeny baby pigs that i wanted to steal. We also saw the biggest cow ever. We paid an extra buck to see this giant steer and I thought, ok, how big could it be? It was huge. HUGE. I was in awe. I could have stayed there and stared at it for an hour, I swear. It was insane. I have never seen anythng like it. There is no way to understand it unless you see it. i didn;t. Huge. We went on the giant slide and ate funnel cake (it was delicious) and deep fried smores and I got a turkey leg and a corn dog. See what I mean about food? Oy. But it was so much fun. We walked around for, like, 6 hours straight. I say everyone shoudl go to the County Fair. So worth it.
Off to my pseudo busy day. 2 more days and this is done. I am so finished with waiting. Ugh. I want my sanity back.
Today, I was going to go help my friend Elisa clean out stuff from her dad's house and move it back to hers. I also have to get my color done before surgery and today is the only day I can do it. Totally meaningful task versus totally superficial, but necessary to me, task. I hate those kind of decisions. I am going to try to do both. Makes me feel like a selfish asshole and that is a terrible way to feel. Blech.
I also wanted to hang out with the potential guy before my surgery but I don't know when that will happen, if at all. In my new panic filled mindset where I no longer have the power to make good decisions, I am being all crazy in my head about things with him instead of just letting stuff happen. My solution for now is to just be crazy in y own world and not involve him in any of it. It's better that way.
I ate my weight in food at the fair on Saturday. That is also making me feel like shit. My goal in going to the fair was to eat 0- I knew it, I planned it that way, goos fun, right? Well, it didn;t make me feel so great afterwards. Food is entertaining but I get obsessed. I hate it. After all my treadmilling, i think I lost like .2 pounds this week. Yes, that is two tenths of a pound. I ate enough to balance out all that workingout. Oh well. At least i didn;t gain. I just think I have gotten to the point where I know I have a serious probem with food - just as serious as I do with other substances. I hate that but I need to figure something ut with all fo this. It just feels bad inside. I didn;t work out yesterday cuz I was hanging with Jason but I will go get on the treadmill in a few minutes and hopefully walk for a long time. Or at least just do it. I am sure I have a podcast to distract me.
Sorry for the negative feeling to this post - I am just feeling crazy. I did have a great time at the fair with moll on saturday. We saw tiny, teeny baby pigs that i wanted to steal. We also saw the biggest cow ever. We paid an extra buck to see this giant steer and I thought, ok, how big could it be? It was huge. HUGE. I was in awe. I could have stayed there and stared at it for an hour, I swear. It was insane. I have never seen anythng like it. There is no way to understand it unless you see it. i didn;t. Huge. We went on the giant slide and ate funnel cake (it was delicious) and deep fried smores and I got a turkey leg and a corn dog. See what I mean about food? Oy. But it was so much fun. We walked around for, like, 6 hours straight. I say everyone shoudl go to the County Fair. So worth it.
Off to my pseudo busy day. 2 more days and this is done. I am so finished with waiting. Ugh. I want my sanity back.
posted by Neely at 9:45 AM
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