post op depression

I am pretty sure I am going through some post op depression. I am miserable. I am having some pretty fhitty anxiety about everything around me. I am just feeling shitty. I want to isolate. I want to eat. I want to drink. I hate feeling like this. I haven't taken a real shower in 11 days and I feel disgusting. I am clean-ish and stuff but I just wanna shower. I have one last drain left to remove and it just isn't going down. I need it to be at 30cc or less per day and it is still at 60 every day. It's not coming out anytime soon. Once the drain is out, I can shower and wear my regular compression garment but not until then. Now I still sponge bathe and wear my waist binder. I think I am just feeling so unsettled still. It's really taking its toll. Then, on top of those feelings, I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know post op depression is real - there is tons of stuff online about it and it was warned about and stuff. It still feels bad though.

I also have my second interview with The Doves tomorrow. I have to do a model's cut and color. I am bringing my mom - I have done her hair a ton of times so it will at least be familiar. I feel liek she really doesn;t need a hair cut, though. I will just take off a tiny bit, I guess. I am so nervous. I don't know what i will do, really, if they don't hire me. I have totally put all my eggs in one basket here. And ot working for so long has eroded at my confidence and made me feel just yuck. I want my daily routine back. I want to be working again. I am over this. It feels so bad.

Sorry for such a dark update. I am just really in a crappy headspace right now. I feel a little better having spilled it here, though. I need to just get through tomorrow. I need to be going to meetings again. I need to be focusing on AA a lot more too. Wish me luck.