xmas in paradise

my sistahs and I went up to my grandparents for xmas this last weekend. All in all, it was great. We ate a lot of prok products (well, I did) and sat around in the 95 degree house and talked and crocheted and told stories. It was nice. I raked it in for xmas - my mom bought me a prada bag!!! She actually listens when I talk - it is remarkable. My sisters and I had so much fun just kinda being in awe of the weirdness that is my grandma. She has definitely gotten weird in her old age. My grandpa, on the other hand, is farking hilarious. I just get along with him so well now. He is so funny and just really chill about stuff. Sure, our politics differ quite a bit but I feel less scared to voice my opinion around him. I got to see my cousin Seth who is about to go into rehab again. I love him. We get along really well and got tot talk some about his addictiona dn how he is doing and stuff. I was glad to see him and know that he is still just him. It is a big releif when someone takes the needle out of their arm. I hope it stays out.

What else? I have had a great time with my sisters. They came up here and just totally helped me get my life together. I don;t know what I would do without the - they are amazing. And they are so funny!!!! Here's to Buddy and Copernicus!

Friday i go see my Andrea and I can't wait. I need that girl in my life so much more. We decided to fight our loneliness with more regular phone dates. We need that if we are to live so far from eachother. We already spend our days on im together but I believe that the evenings need more togetherness. We're gonna do it!

What else? Made a new friend online; a friend with potential, so that is cool. :)

I am doin' well over all, I have to say. I get to see Bunny and Kenny this weekend. I am doing great with food and stuff - I am down 3 more pounds since xmas. That comes to a total of 31 pounds since surgery. Not too bad. Not too bad at all.

Ok, kids, that is all for now. I am off to collate packets and listen to some music on my sweet ass itunes.

Stuck.

I realized I have been neglecting the whole basis for this blog - my wls journey. I have had a couple things going' on, so here are some updates.

I am now officially 5 weeks out from my surgery. I weighed 264.4 the Thursday before surgery and yesterday morning I weighed 238.6, I believe. Math done, that's 25.8 pounds gone in 5 weeks. Not too shabby at all. That is without exercise (which will be starting very soon). I am also now only 2.6 pounds above the weight at which I started phen-fen in 1996. That is crazy. I thought I was so huge then, and I kinda was, but this time I had to lose 50 pounds just to get back to that. I really, uh, put in some work there.

What am I eating? This is the question most asked of me. I am eating real stuff now. I am trying new foods and discovering new things. I can eat sugar in small quantities and not get sick (bad). I can eat some veggies (good). I can eat salad (good). I can eat chicken most of the time (ok but I am sick of it). I have eaten too much a few times (bad). I have eaten too little a lot (bad).

I have had 2 occassions where food got stuck. One, I wated and it passed but the other, I did throw up. Now, it wasn't really that bad. It hurt to have the food stuck. It was weird. Like, it hurt to breathe in and I could feel the pain all the way from my chest to my back. Eventually I had to bring the food back up cuz it was just so uncomfortable. It wasn't awful to have to throw up. It isn't the puking that gets me, it is the nausea, and since there was none, it was all ok. It wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it was going to be.

What else? I need more protein all the time. I am taking my meds and my vitamins. I am drinking my water but can always have more. My clothes are way bigger. My face is looking smaller. I will get to see people this week and next who haven't seen me in a while so hopefully they will notice. This is a great trip.

Waking up with Neely

So there is this crazy thunderstorm happening right now. It is awesome. I mean, nothing like the East or the South but it is awesome for here. I think it might be passing though. That's sad. I will miss it.

It was weird waking up this morning to this storm, having just been in the middle of this crazy dream. (It is truly pouring here right now.) I dreamt it was Oakwood graduation and Ari had already died. I, along with others (Adam, Eric, Davina, others like that) were going to speak at the graduation ceremony. Well, it was at this beach, like we were up on a bluff and the guests were all seated below ont he sand. I was sitting in the rows of graduates, in my nice, albeit incredibly ugly, suit and I sudenly grabbed a big, black magic marker and wrote A-R-I in huge letters down my forearm. In my dream I just remember thinking, "He should've been here." When the time came to get up and read our things, I, of course, couldn't find mine. I had left it at home in some notebook. I even remeber searching the computer that was near me for some reason and not being able to find it. I still got up, though. I figured if nothing else I woul dmake a joke about me forgetting my speech and how much Ari would have laughed at me. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Scrawling A-R-I across my forearm in big, black sharpie letters still does.

He would have been 30 on the 30th of this month. It would have been an amazing party. I could have laughed at him for turning 30 first. I would have gotten him a gift he would have thrown in a drawer with the rest of them. Eh. He was never fun to give gifts to; I probably would have stiffed him or written him a really heartfelt, mushy card. That is much more my style.

Enough of my chaotic Ari'ness this morning. Let's move on. I am officially in the 230's - this mornign I was 239. I did discover last night that if eaten in small bites, and very slowly, I can consume cookies. Stupid girl for even trying. I ate 4 bite sized mrs. fields cookies. Not doing that again so please stop with the phone calls telling me what I should and shouldn't do (that is said with love, my sensitive people). I know what is good for me and bad for me and even with all that this surgery did for me, I am still myself and I still have my brain to deal with so let me do this how I need to. I appreciate check ins and all the support but just don't warn me about anything anymore, or chastise me when I do badly. I know what it takes to make this work and I am working really, really hard every single day to do this. This isn't easy. And every day I have to make a whole new set of choices. Some days I do great and get the right answer everytime. Some days I choose poorly and I can only move past it and make the right choice next time. This is really, really hard and it takes constant commitment and vigilance (shout out to mad-eye) and I intend to do my best every mornign when I wake up. So we'll see.

Sorry for that random tirade. It's as muc a reminder to me as it is a rambling thought to all of you. Enjoy your Sundays.

Bunny is my hero.

You know how you find those people in life who you just want to be? The people who can do no wrong in your eyes and all you want to do is be as close to them as you possibly can? That is Bunny. I talk to her and it is like the world is ok. She lets me know that there is a place for me here. People like me can thrive and be successful and do great things in the world. I know that just being who I am can make things better, cuz that is how it is with her. I know that she loves me more than anything and she tells me how special she thinks I am. I couldn't express how I feel about her any better.

I have idolized her since the moment I met her. I would hope and pray that she would be home when I came to visit Ari just so I could hang out with her. When she moved to Boston after we graduated High school, I was devastated. Not being able to see Bunny whenever I wanted to was just... shitty. I only got to see her once a year, tops, and I hated that. Everytime we got to see eachother it wsa reunion. I don't think she realizes how special it was to me to get to see her. It meant more to me than anything. It was like coming home.

Bunny means the world to me. I lost my Ari and she lost hers and that has taken so much away; more than anyone could ever know for either of us. But I got Bunny and she got me. Ari left us both a pretty great legacy.

Fuck Today.

Fuck today. Fuck this job. Fuck this institution and its ass backwards way of dealing with things. Fuck the fact that my best friend here got fired yesterday. Fuck my boss calling and yellng at me because the Board members can't find their way to either our architects office or a hole in the ground. Fuck my boss's mood fluctuations and how she takes them out on us. I get a little talk about how she can tell when I don't wanna be here and how I should really work on that. The days when she is in a bad mood are the worst days ever here. She just yells and picks on things and looks extra hard for the tiniest of mistakes. Things that have been fine for a year suddenly are completely wrong. Somedays I really just can;t stand being here. Today is one of those days. I am trapped between my friend being fired and a huge fucking Board meeting tomorrow. Fuck this shit. I am going to Starbucks.

So a cat falls out the window....

No seriously. One of our cats had a little accident. Little, Lisa's cat, had apparently gone out my window when Allison and I had it open on Friday night. When it was time for bed, I closed my window and got in bed, as usual. Ten minutes later I hear a crashing falling noise. I made allison get up and check outside with me and as soon as we open the front door, Little bolts inside. She hid under Lisa's bed for a bit until Allison and I got her out. She has tese 2 crazy things on her heqd. They aren't cuts, exactly - they weren't bleeding. It is as if she was scalped. Look at her forehead int he pic and you can see it. She us fine, though. Nothing broken, she is eating fine and everything, and she is being social and all. All in all she just looks like a freak but is otherwise unscathed. I am so glad. She really is a great cat. :)

Me in progess

I took some pix of me last night before I went out last night and I have to say, I can see the difference in my face!! Check me out. :)

The Grocery Store

Tonight I made my first post-op trip to the grocery store. It was needed - I didn't have anything to eat at home (unless you count the 12 cans of chicken broth I bought pre-op and haven't used). I would say it was successful. I probably bought more than I needed but I don't think I bought anything I can't eat. I went protein heavy - cooked chicken in many forms, cooked turkey, tofu dogs, soy ground beef - and definitely resigned myself to the fact that I don't cook. I didn't get any raw meat and I think that is how it will stay for the time being. I am not going to cook. I hate to cook. And the thought of cooking makes me just not want to eat. Did I mention I have lost my appetite, finally? I mean, sure, Taco Bell sounds ok but I don't crave it the way I was before. This is much easier this way.

Well, that is really all I have to report. My scale broke so I won't have any weight updates anytime soon. I need to go to Target and get a new one sometime soon. For now I will just go by how big my clothes are getting. And they are definitely getting too big. My jeans are taking on that "load in the pants" look again. That I am gonna need to figure out cuz I wear them every day. Those 2 pairs of pants that fit aren't working for me cuz one needs ot be hemmed and the other is just oddly uncomfortable. They are from before they discovered low rise and they just cut off the waistband so it kind of cuts into you like a thread through clay. It hurts. Myabe I will wear them when they get a little looser on me. We'll see. I am assuming I will need to spend some money on clothes inthe near future. So be it.

Last thing, I am getting way excited for my January Vegas trip for Andrea's bday. I got this vision of us at the blackjack table today and I got really giddy. I haven't been there with her since June so I am needing some mega gambling time with my girl. We are also gonna go to Forty Deuce the Friday night we are there - we already have tix - and I am way excited for that. I am thinking I will have some small adventures in alcohol there. I know it won't be anything like it usually is so we will see how I do. I certainly don't wanna get sick and I know, if need be, I can always just be the bottled water girl. Eh. As weird as it sounds to me, the alcohol isn't the biggest part of vegas for me, sitting at those tables with Andrea is. We have the most amazing time there. We just mesh. We always wanna be doing the same exact thing at the same exact time. Eek! I just got so excited again picturing us sitting at the Stinky Camel, or whatever it is called, playing video poker. Good fuckin' times.

That's it from me. I am off to a very early bed time. I woke up at 4:30 this mrongin and couldn't go back to sleep. It sucked.

Adventures in new foods

i think this may take a little longer than I thought. Normal is still pretty far away. It will be three weeks on Tuesday and I guess I am starting to see long term. Introducing new foods into my life has gone smoothly at first but has since gone kind of bad. I need to be a little less ambitious in my choices, I guess. I went out for my first meal on Saturday and overdid it, I guess. I got Huevos Rancheros (eggs over beans and cheese, basically) with hashbrowns. It is a lot harder to gauge the amount of food I am eating when I am eating out of a normal portion size (normal for restaurants, at least). I either ate too fast or too much and ended up feelign really shitty. I got nauseous and dizzy and sweaty and sleepy. It was far form pleasant, I have to say. Weirdly, though, abotu 20 minutes later my stomach made this gurgling noise and I felt A LOT better. I think my pouch was emptying otu some of the food I had out into it earlier. It was a good lesson. From now on, I will get a small plate with my meal and just put what I am going to eat on that plate. This way, I can do some portion control and not get sick. Let's hope it works.

The rest of the weekend was prety bad, eating-wise. Everything I ate pretty much made me sick. I think I am going back to basics. 2 meals of protein shake and maybe one meal of chicken or something plain like that. No more adventures in indian food or anything greasy at all. I can;t do it anymore. It is definitely the high fat stuff that is doing it, I think. I can;t say I wsn;t warned. High fat does the same thing as sugar - this is called dumping. It's a gross name but it is pretty f'ing accurate, I gotta say. It feels awful. It helps to reinforce my whole no sugar thing, though. I think it might be even worse with sugar.

I knew this was going to be a bit of trial and error and I am finding stuff otu the hardway at times. I am doing pretty good overall, though, I think. From my weight in the beginning of August when this all started, I am down almost 40 pounds. Since the surgery I am down about 15, I think. Not too bad for what i have had to go through. I do have moments of wondering if I did the right thing. I assume as time passes and the weight comes off I will start to see that this was absolutely the right thing to have done. i am waiting for my complaints to start being about waiting so long to do this - that would definitely be better.

So tomorrow I think I am back to shakes and soup, at least for a couple of days til my stomach settles a little. I am doing well with my meds and my vitamins but I think I need to up my protein cuz I have been really tired lately. I have been at around 50g a day and I think I need to go up to 75. I am gonna try, at least. It's tough sometimes but I know I need it. I can feel the difference when I don;t have enough of soemthing. My water intake needs to go up too. I will try to make this week as perfect as I can and see how it makes me feel. Hopefully I will really notice the difference and it will motivate me to keep it up. We'll see.

Magic pants

Ok, they aren;t so much magical as they are, um, the right size. Tonight I just put on a pair of pants I bought in London in May of 2004 that have never actually fit me. I bought them at H&M cuz I felt the need to come home form London with somethign. Well, they need a little hemming but the waist totally fits. Teh pther pair of pants that fit (I am wearing them as I type, even) are a pair of brown cords that has been passed around the sisters for a while now. Well, they are finally mine to wear. I bought them a few years ago and have never been able to wear them. They are fitting now and quite comfy! yay! Here comes the fun part of this surgery - an expanded wardrobe!!! This f'ing rocks. Red leather Buffy pants, here I come!!!!!