Thank fucking god.

Today I had my last drain removed. I don't know if I was gonna make it for a bit there. I am so thankful to have it out. The drain site was really hurting for the last few days and I was really just over it. I also had to wait til the drains were out to shower (I have been sponge bathing - yuck) and start wearing my compression garment. I also get to stop taking antibiotics. I don't know why I wanted to stop taking them so bad but just having to make sure I take them 4 times a day and with food and blah blah blah. That is done. Phew.

It's been kinda hard for the last few days for me. I have been in a lot of pain. I kinda feel like I have been hit by a truck and my stomach muscles feel like they are on fire at times. I think I was doing so well the first 2 weeks cuz I was managing my pain really well so I was up and around ok. Now, I am only taking tylenol, which is so not working. I am having a really hard time sleeping - both falling asleep and staying asleep. I know this is affecting my emotional state, too. When you don't sleep, you don't heal. I need to get better so I am going to try to be more regular with my Tylenol and taking my Ativan at night to help me relax and sleep. I think I was really not wanting to put substances in my body cuz I didn;t want to get used to the feeling. I know I just need to do what my doctor says and take my meds.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get myself out of this hole I am finding myself in. I went to a meeting yesterday and it felt really good. Things'll get better. I just need to focus on staying in the moment and seeing how things are improving.

Where's my paycheck?!

I got this email today. Badly written, though it is, I couldn't be happier.

Congratulations!!!!!!
Team Members you have been chosen to be a part of the Doves Hair Art Team. We plan to open the salon early November and we would like to start by giving you training ahead of our start date.
We have planned a two days of training on October the 7th and 8th at R&D Wella.
6109 De Soto Avenue,
Woodland Hills CA 91367
At 10:00am.
On October 7th you will need to bring a notebook and pen for the morning segment which will be about System Proffessional which is wella’s prescriptive range of care and styling and in the afternoon at 1:00pm on the 7th of October arrange for two blow dry models, one who will need to be blow dryed straight from curly( long) and one second model who will need to be round brush styling to give volume and ready to go out.

Monday the 8th is all day color class (theory only)

We have also planned an intensive 2day class on the 14th and 15th of October with Chris and Sonya at the same address, all tools to be brought.
This class will be on mannequins and will be quite intense. It will be designed to cover all aspects of hairdressing and will help all of us to be on the same page as far as cutting, color and styling etc.
We are very excited about the new Dove Team and thank you for your enthusiasm and professionalism.


Yay!!! I got my job!!! I am getting paid crap but I get thousands of dollars in education and an amazing opportunity. My friend Rachael also got hired - that is a huge bonus. Out of 500 people, we made it. Not bad!

post op depression

I am pretty sure I am going through some post op depression. I am miserable. I am having some pretty fhitty anxiety about everything around me. I am just feeling shitty. I want to isolate. I want to eat. I want to drink. I hate feeling like this. I haven't taken a real shower in 11 days and I feel disgusting. I am clean-ish and stuff but I just wanna shower. I have one last drain left to remove and it just isn't going down. I need it to be at 30cc or less per day and it is still at 60 every day. It's not coming out anytime soon. Once the drain is out, I can shower and wear my regular compression garment but not until then. Now I still sponge bathe and wear my waist binder. I think I am just feeling so unsettled still. It's really taking its toll. Then, on top of those feelings, I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know post op depression is real - there is tons of stuff online about it and it was warned about and stuff. It still feels bad though.

I also have my second interview with The Doves tomorrow. I have to do a model's cut and color. I am bringing my mom - I have done her hair a ton of times so it will at least be familiar. I feel liek she really doesn;t need a hair cut, though. I will just take off a tiny bit, I guess. I am so nervous. I don't know what i will do, really, if they don't hire me. I have totally put all my eggs in one basket here. And ot working for so long has eroded at my confidence and made me feel just yuck. I want my daily routine back. I want to be working again. I am over this. It feels so bad.

Sorry for such a dark update. I am just really in a crappy headspace right now. I feel a little better having spilled it here, though. I need to just get through tomorrow. I need to be going to meetings again. I need to be focusing on AA a lot more too. Wish me luck.

Healing time.

Oy, this is taking some time. I am in a much better headspace than I was last time I wrote. I had my little mental breakdown and am on the way to recovery, I think. I had my check in appointment yesterday so I actually got dressed and left the house for the first time. If you are ever taking care of someone going through this, I really recommend getting them out of the house. Just tot he store or anywhere. It helps to feel more human.Sitting around in my pajamas all the time is not good for the mind. I had a weird bout of agorophobia when I was getting ready to go to the doctor yesterday. I got kind of scared and anxious about having to be out in the world around people. It scared me to feel like that. I think that is motivating me to get myself together and get out and do stuff while also making sure to rest and heal my body.

I finally saw myself in clothes - it was amazing. My body looks like anyone else's. And my little tush is really cute. :) I am excited to see how I fit into clothes and what size I actually wear. I am just doing the yoga pants thing for now. It is amazing to put pants on, though, and not have to cover my fat stomach. I don't have to worry about my saggy stomach in front. The pants just go on. I can't wait to get this last drain out so I can just put stuff on normally.

Yesterday was one week since surgery and I went in to the doctor for a check in. I did get 3 of the drains taken out yesterday at the doctor but one drain is still putting out a lot of fluid so it will be in for a while longer. Dr. Orringer was thrilled with the results. We are already talking about getting the next surgery planned. He said he is thinking that he might be ok with a scar down my middle so that he can take out a little last bit of skin that is right downthe center of my stomach. We'll see what happens. I am more than ready to get the next step started. It's weird - having this done has actually motivated me to exercise. I am really looking forward to getting back on the treadmill. I like the idea of my body not bouncing around when I work out. I am excited about that and excited to get the rest of my body matching this new me. The dr. said he was amazed at my progress and that i was healing os well and I was a great patient. Felt good. :)

Today i am gonna try to get to a meeting. I am just gonn aatry and get up and about as much as I can. Wish me luck!

ow.

Well, I am home and healing. I will do the whole description thing soon but I figured I would do a quick check in first. I am kinda glum, I guess. I am bored but don't want any company. I just want to be better. Everything definitely hurts but it's not awful, I guess. I washed my hair this am and took a faux shower. I felt gross. I am just bored, I think. Everything is annpying me. I am about to kill the cat. My computer keeps randomly going to sleep. There is nothing on tv. My netflix is taking forever. I think I need to just deal with my meds and take something to relax and for the pain but I get all anxious that I am using stuff wrong. I don't wanna fuck up but I also need to be taking meds as I need them. I dunno. I am just bored and irritated, I think.

This is it for a while...

I go into surgery in approximately 11 hours. I am as prepared as I am ever gonna be, I guess. I just packed my stuff to take with me. Not really sure what I need. I brought socks and undies and facewash and lotion and crap. I tried to buy pjs at Ross today but ended up empty handed. I can never decide on anything when I am there. Now I wish I had bought something. Ugh. Oh well. If I need anything I can always send someone home - I only live, like, 10 blocks from the place I will be. I am sure it will all be fine. Whatev.

I am excited and nervous. I am expecting everything and nothing, all at the same time. I don't know what is going to come out of all of this but I really just hope... I don't know what I hope. I just hope.

See you all on the other side.

The time is nigh...

You can tell I am getting close to the date of surgery just by the level of irritation and pissed off-ness I am displaying in my everyday life. Everything is annoying. Every little thing around me is totally, ugh, I don't even know how to describe it. I hate feeling this way. This feeling is the polar opposite of serenity. I am over-analyzing everything. I am overthinking even the most minute details in my life. I am feeling guilt and shame and all this crap about things that don't even matter. I feel like my life is way out of control. It kind of is, I guess. The time is finally here and I feel like I wanna do all this stuff but I can't or won't (I am not sure which). I don;t even know what it is I necessarily want to be doing - it just feels like I should be doing something.

Today, I was going to go help my friend Elisa clean out stuff from her dad's house and move it back to hers. I also have to get my color done before surgery and today is the only day I can do it. Totally meaningful task versus totally superficial, but necessary to me, task. I hate those kind of decisions. I am going to try to do both. Makes me feel like a selfish asshole and that is a terrible way to feel. Blech.

I also wanted to hang out with the potential guy before my surgery but I don't know when that will happen, if at all. In my new panic filled mindset where I no longer have the power to make good decisions, I am being all crazy in my head about things with him instead of just letting stuff happen. My solution for now is to just be crazy in y own world and not involve him in any of it. It's better that way.

I ate my weight in food at the fair on Saturday. That is also making me feel like shit. My goal in going to the fair was to eat 0- I knew it, I planned it that way, goos fun, right? Well, it didn;t make me feel so great afterwards. Food is entertaining but I get obsessed. I hate it. After all my treadmilling, i think I lost like .2 pounds this week. Yes, that is two tenths of a pound. I ate enough to balance out all that workingout. Oh well. At least i didn;t gain. I just think I have gotten to the point where I know I have a serious probem with food - just as serious as I do with other substances. I hate that but I need to figure something ut with all fo this. It just feels bad inside. I didn;t work out yesterday cuz I was hanging with Jason but I will go get on the treadmill in a few minutes and hopefully walk for a long time. Or at least just do it. I am sure I have a podcast to distract me.

Sorry for the negative feeling to this post - I am just feeling crazy. I did have a great time at the fair with moll on saturday. We saw tiny, teeny baby pigs that i wanted to steal. We also saw the biggest cow ever. We paid an extra buck to see this giant steer and I thought, ok, how big could it be? It was huge. HUGE. I was in awe. I could have stayed there and stared at it for an hour, I swear. It was insane. I have never seen anythng like it. There is no way to understand it unless you see it. i didn;t. Huge. We went on the giant slide and ate funnel cake (it was delicious) and deep fried smores and I got a turkey leg and a corn dog. See what I mean about food? Oy. But it was so much fun. We walked around for, like, 6 hours straight. I say everyone shoudl go to the County Fair. So worth it.

Off to my pseudo busy day. 2 more days and this is done. I am so finished with waiting. Ugh. I want my sanity back.

We're off to the fair!!

I am taking Moll to the LA County Fair today for an early bday celebration. I am very excited. We're gonna go see the baby animals and all the as seen on tv stuff - we might buy a crazy mop or the Debbie Meyers Green Bags! I am quite excited for a day of Americana. Gotta love traveling inland a little.

One day closer to surgery. I haven't been sleeping well at all. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and then staying up for an hour or so. It's annoying. This morning it was 5am-6:30ish. I have gotten in some extra tv time - that's been a bonus. Not so much. Hopefully the sleeping trouble will go away soon.

Good 2nd date last night. That's a first for me. He knows I am having surgery and all about the bypass and stuff. I had to tell him. We're in a "talk soon" place now. I think all will be well. We get along really well and seem to have lots in common. It's nice to just let stuff happen and not be all crazy about it. Amazing how well that works in all aspects of my life.

Still treadmilling. Not so motivated this am but I did it anyway. The fried foods I might (plan to) eat at the fair today will at least be a tiny bit counteracted.

Waiting for time to pass sucks. I have spent a lot of time looking at my body and checking out things that aren't gonna be there anymore. I have spent my whol elife - seriously, since I can remember - with my fat, hangy stomach. It has always been there, sticking out around my underwear, ruining the chance of anything looking even remotely sexy or cute. That is going to be gone. I have always wondered what it was like to just have your midsection be continuous - not have it divided by a fat roll. I will finally know what that is like. I can't get my head around that yet. I don't think I will really be able to get it until it's been there for a while. I have realized how much the skin really is getting in the way of exercise. I have been jogging for bits of time on the treadmill and it is just painful with my skin all loose. My arms rub against my sides too and it hurts after a while. In a year all will be better, I hope.

I have been painting a lot, oddly enough. Bought some little canvases and paints at the store and have just been being artsy. It's actually been really fun. Who knew?

Enjoy your day - wish you were coming to the fair!!

I am not such a patient patient.

I am doing the countdown dance again. Last time I did this, I was so busy with work and preparing at the Museum that I didn't really have time to think about it so much. Not this time around. All I do is think about surgery. I get excited then nervous. I get terrified then totally blissful. I think about how incredible it is going to look then I think about how not up to my expectations it might be. I am all over the place. I have to remember it is going to be better than now. Anything is better than now.

In my treadmill/exercise extravaganza as of late, I have realized my first REAL impediment this skin is causing. When I pump my arms as I walk, my skin really rubs. Like, my arms and my side really get not so good feeling. It is shitty. The side skin will be addressed in surgery 2 and maybe the arms soon after that. I hope so.

By the way, I have decided not to put before and after pics from surgery on this site. I am more than happy to share them with anyone who wants to email me for them but there are some people who might still read this who I don't necessarily want seeing me butt naked in my before and afters. Maybe I will put up some censored ones so you can get an idea. We'll see.

Off to another day. Treadmill, nail painting, sponsor meeting (yay!), hair cutting (mine, this time), and then a lovely date to watch the latest season of nip/tuck on dvd. Second date. Interesting. Wish me luck!

"Always expect better things ahead."

I read that this morning and it just made sense. I used to be of the "expect the worst; then anything else will be a pleasant surprise" school of thought. Fuck that. I say expect the best and then deal with any bumps you might face along the way. Why expect the worst? To settle for failure before it even happens? To lower your standards? To demean yourself by thinking you don't deserve the best? No way. Everyone deserves the best if they really want it and work towards it. You just have to put in the work. That is all. And the work? Not so tough. Just do good in the world and for yourself and others. Simple.

I am such a freakin' optimist. Damn.

By the way, surgery is one week from today. One week from right now, I will be cut in half. Actually, from right now they will probably be sewing my new bellybutton in or maybe cutting off the excess neely. :) I hope I can get them to take pictures of the skin they cut off of me - I seriously want a picture of it. I just wanna see what I don;t have to carry around anymore. I am getting so excited. Ack!

4 years

4 years ago yesterday, my friend Ari died. I was so caught up in my stuff and so unaware of what day it even was to notice until last night. I miss Ari very much. I miss him in little everyday things that happen. I miss him when I don't get to share stuff in my life with him. I miss him when I am going through so many changes and he isn't here to see it. I miss him when I think of things I should have told him years ago and will never have the chance to. I miss him when I find things that help me out in my life and I know could have helped him but he won't ever get to find out about. I miss the stupid things we had in common. I miss the fucked up friendship we had because there were so many things we didn't have in common. I miss the peacefulness when I finally realized that he was just going to be in my life forever and I could finally stop fighting for him. I hate the feeling of knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth that could ever be.

Ari, I miss you more than you could have ever assumed I would. I found all the stuff from when you died when I was moving - the obituaries people sent me from Boston after I put an ad on Craigslist asking for them; the obits from LA; the thing from your funeral here; letters I wrote to you right after you died. I even found the tape of messages you left on my answering machine that you hated me for having. I can't bring myself to listen to those just yet. In time...

I miss you, Ar. I love you. I hate this day. Such a waste. Such a dumb mistake.

Commitment revision (i.e., let's make reasonable goals instead of needing everything to be so fucking black and white)

Um, I hate to admit mistakes but I may have been a bit overzealous in yesterday's commitments. I did do the treadmill (52 minutes, 2.75 miles, 383 calories) and I did stop eating earlier than usual (10:15pm or so) but I need to see that reasonable goals make for a successful outcome. I tracked all my calories (1400 in total yesterday) and my WW points (28, I think) but I was so aggravated and generally pissed off by day's end that I needed to get a little laxer on myself. Then, when I woke up today and logged onto the WW website, I found this article there:

The dog days of summer are over, Labor Day has come and gone. The kids are back in school and work is cranking up again. As you ready yourself for fall, you might realize that summer's ice cream cones, barbecues and vacation meals may have weakened your weight-loss resolve.

Now is the perfect time to get "back on track!" We asked several Leaders in the New York City area how to do just that. Their overwhelming response was to start small. Losing weight can sometimes seem overwhelming, but breaking down a sizable goal into mini-goals can make the process more manageable.

Many try to do too much too soon. A better tactic is to take one small step, which moves you closer to the next small step. Soon all of those steps add up and you're cruising along!

Our Back on Track Challenge can help you re-start your weight-loss efforts. Each week, for the next four weeks, we'll suggest a single, simple habit for you to practice during that week. As you move forward, we challenge you to continue with the habit from the previous week, while adding a new one.


Week 1: Step Back on the Scale
Our challenge to you this week is simply to get back on the scale. Whether at home or in the meeting room, you'll find out exactly where you stand. It may seem scary, but with that information, you can assess the situation and start to do something about it. After you find out the results, visit the "Back on Track" Message Board and share your experience . If the scale is too intimidating, just get to a meeting. It's a step in the right direction.

Duh. This takes time. I needed to use a patch to quit smoking, what makes me think that quitting my bad eating habits will be any different? It is ok for me to start this with exercise and healthier choices. I will eat popcorn for a snack instead of bowls of cereal. I won't get frozen yogurt every day. I will try to find more creative ways to spend my time, other than eating. That is all I need to do. I need to do whatever I can do - it is a step in the right direction.

On a more serious note...

...I am out of control with my eating. I quit smoking for surgery, and I know that is a really good thing, but I am using food now; I am no longer eating it. I just eat constantly. I snack like it is going out of style. I need to get this under control. I have gained like 5 pounds, I think, in the last 2 weeks. That is unacceptable. Thankfully, I woke up fed up today. I started to write down what I eat and track it on the ww site online. Even if I don't do perfectly, at least I am holding myself accountable for it. I don;t want to be heavier than I already am for this surgery. I really wanna be as low as I can be but I am just eating so much. All I do all night is eat. I am feeding a hunger that is so not physical. It is so dumb. So today I am committing to 3 things, just until surgery for now:

Track all the food I eat - even the not so good stuff.

Treadmill every day - I don't have to run a marathon but I have to walk for at least 45 minutes.

No more eating after 9pm. I can be fine all day and then consume 2000 calories (I don't really know how much) between 9 and 2am. Not ok.

So that is my plan. I am determined to do everything I can to stick to it. It is so not going to be easy. I think i am really going to have to go moment by moment on this, especially the not eating at night. I have had to give up other things that I couldn;t ignore were unhealthy for me. Food, the way I am consuming it, needs to be placed in the same category for me. It all comes down to what kind of life I want to lead. I want to be free of this shit and I just need to face it and do it. And chew a lot of gum and drink a lot of Crystal Light. :)

Wish me luck.

Lemme geek out for just one second....

Ok, so, not so surprising to all of you, I am sure, but when I am a big reader. Sure, I go through phases but I will always love books. I am even learning to accept my inherited nerdiest-license-plate-ever (N2BOOKS; thanks mom). Well, this has been going on my whole life. As would happen with anything you have a passion for, there are certain things within hat passion that stand out - favorite movies, foods, people... Well, books have done the same for me - the Harry Potters, Gone with the Wind, anything Howard Zinn writes, and countless others. Well, the other thing that gave me that feeling when I was a young 'tween was Stephen King. Reading IT was a huge turning point in my imaginative life. I read everything of his I could find after that. And this brings me to my favorite short story of his, The Mist. It was the first story (and way longest one) in his book of short stories, Skeleton Crew, and now, after a million years, they are finally making it into a movie. :) I am way excited. This story was so creepy and just so... good. I dunno. November 27th. I am there.

Serenity

(Some of you who know me assumed this post was gonna be about something Whedon-esque. Sorry to disappoint.)

I found this quote online today and it really summed up what has helped me make the most changes in my life and reap some serious benefits:

"I will not wrestle with every problem today. Some problems will be
dealt with later and some will seem to solve themselves. I will
know that I am part of an upward development that is continuing."

It seems so easy - all you have to do is just let it go and know that it's all just gonna be ok. I admit, I can't alway find the courage to do this but when I can, and when I realize I just have been for a while, I can see how good things are. It is really cool.

Just try and take that in - everything is going to be ok. Better yet, everything is going to be so much more than ok - everything is going to be fucking awesome.