4 years

4 years ago yesterday, my friend Ari died. I was so caught up in my stuff and so unaware of what day it even was to notice until last night. I miss Ari very much. I miss him in little everyday things that happen. I miss him when I don't get to share stuff in my life with him. I miss him when I am going through so many changes and he isn't here to see it. I miss him when I think of things I should have told him years ago and will never have the chance to. I miss him when I find things that help me out in my life and I know could have helped him but he won't ever get to find out about. I miss the stupid things we had in common. I miss the fucked up friendship we had because there were so many things we didn't have in common. I miss the peacefulness when I finally realized that he was just going to be in my life forever and I could finally stop fighting for him. I hate the feeling of knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth that could ever be.

Ari, I miss you more than you could have ever assumed I would. I found all the stuff from when you died when I was moving - the obituaries people sent me from Boston after I put an ad on Craigslist asking for them; the obits from LA; the thing from your funeral here; letters I wrote to you right after you died. I even found the tape of messages you left on my answering machine that you hated me for having. I can't bring myself to listen to those just yet. In time...

I miss you, Ar. I love you. I hate this day. Such a waste. Such a dumb mistake.