when it's awful...

...it's really, really shitty. Too much at one time can break anyone, even the strongest of us. The only thing that can hurt more than whne you yourself are hurting is when someone you love is hurting more. You just wanna make it all better and zap yourself to them in an instant, if only to do their dishes and sit on the couch with them. That isn't usually an option. I wish I had that power. I wanna make it all go away and I can't. I can make people laugh and forget sometimes; that is a gift. I don't get that allthe time though. Sometimes I just have to console and hope I said something that means something. I usually don't. I wish I could make everyone out there stop blaming themselves for problems that have nothng to do with them. Outside influences can be the worst offender sometimes. They can make you feel incapable and unlovable. They can take the strongest, most incredible people in the world and reduce them to dust. Why do we let that happen to us? Why do we second guess ourselves rather than the situation we are in or the people involved? No matter what, we are all victims of it. We have all shot ourselves down over issus that have nothing to do with who we are. I am as guilty as anyone, I know. I don't believe half the shit I write here.

I am in love...

OK. I know a few of you probably just got all excited and were like, "What?!! Neely's in love??!!" Calm down. My new love is not romantic in anyway. I am in love with Lush.

Now, let me tell you about fabulous, amazing Lush. They sell the most incredible bath products in the entire world. I was introduced to them by Allison and I am seriously addicted. I never thought much about it - baths were whatever. I mean, I loved them when I was little but since I have lived in apartments and stuff, who the hell has the time to clean the tub enough to bathe? Well, I finally live with people who love baths and actually want to use the tub, so it works out! Yay!

I have been taking baths like every single night for the last couple of weeks. I ordered some Lush stuff online but had to make a trip there the other day to supplement my order til it arrived. So far I have used the Honey Bee Bath Bomb. Wow. Seriously, this stuff makes your skin so f'ing soft. And it smells so good! It does leave a bit of a ring around the tub but, hey! It's worth it! Last night I delved into their Bath Melts and used the Creamy Candy melt. It is seriously like you have rolled around in themost incredible scented lotions and oils in the world. You come out so soft and smelling so good. I feel like such a girly girl!

OK. I have finished singing my praises. Just so you know, there is a Lush on Third Street Promenade and one in Boston. I know that covers some of my readership. If you need to find one near you, look here.

By the way...

My weight is a little stalled and I am not sure why. It's cool. I am not freaking out about it. It's all good. My contest is lagging because of it though. Here's one to celebrate my single pound I have lost since my last contest entry.

Hair Club for Neely

It started. I finally noticed that my hair is coming out faster than it used. I have always been a shedder; I have clogged more shower drains than a midwestern family of 5. This time, though, it is different. I have taken to comparing amounts I lose every shower. I am weird, I know. I just want to be sure that it isn't getting even worse. I want to know this is it and I will continue to only lose this amount at a time. I figure a few months of losing this much hair isn't gonna kill me. It'll be a new experience - thin hair. I will live. Now if I can just remember to get in ALL of my protein everyday, things will be way better. I am being negligent and I know it. I am sick and I am pretty sure it's because my body is too weak to fight it off. Well, that and some guy on Muni yesterday morning was coughing wihtout covering his mouth and totally spewing germies all over the entire bus. At one point he coughed, stood up, opened the window and spit out of it. It was disgusting.

To sum up: Protein - Need to eat more of it. Hair - Want to lose less of it. Disgusting Muni guy - Cover your mouth.

Like Caine in Kung Fu...

I broke my streak last night. I finally got my lazy ass up on that treadmill for the first time since my surgery. Fuck, it is probably the first time since I have been 29! Let me tell you, it felt damn good. As soon as I started walking, I was like, "Ahhhhhhhhhh." I walked for about 30 minutes or so (I am not sure exactly cuz at one point I dropped my ipod and when I bent down to get it I pulled the safety key out of the machine and stopped eevrything so it reset. It sucked.) and I actually enjoyed the sweating and everything. I think I just might bring it back into my daily routine. It does mean I will have to do laundry a little more often but, hey - I really need to do laundry a little more often anyways.

The contest continues!

Well, I did drop some weight in Vegas due to my super low calorie, mainly vodka diet. Here's my newest ugly-ass ticker:

Oh Vegas...

How I love you. You are so good to me. You win me money. You make me laugh. You provide me with altogether too many cocktails. You help me meet new and fantastic people. Vegas, you are my hero.

Now. The whole story. God, can I even remember it all right now? We'll try.

Thursday:
Andrea and I got in within minutes of eachother and got our bags at the same time and then proceeded to cab it to our beuatiful Sahara. Our cab driver was a freak. He started to tell us how the pyramids were built by aliens. Luckily we were almost at the hotel by that point. We checked in without problems; found our room without problems; made our first drinks without problems. Life was sweet. We hung at the sahara that night and played Blackjack, of course, after a warmup of video poker. The usual routine, you know. We both did pretty well the first night. I walked away with my first black chip ever. It was awesome. We met Josh that night, too. He was rowdy and loud and fun and great. He made the table so much fun. We were in bed by 1:30 that night. We needed our beauty rest for the rest of the weekend.

Friday day:
We were up at 10:30. Hallelujah. It was actually really great. We had wanted to go shopping that day so it was perfect. We got up, played some video poker, had soem drinks and took off to the Alladdin to go to Sephora. We always go to Sephora without a goal and we always end up overwhelmed. I did manage to buy some foundation though. It's not MAC and I am a little uncomfortable with that but it is ok. I will learn to be ok with it.

We then walked around the shops and bought me my fabulous new ring. (See above pic.) :) It is fantasticly Vegas. I do find myself wanting to wear it all the time but that's a bit much. What else? Lunch at a great italian restaurant rocked. However, attempts at gambling outside of our dear Sahara taught us a nasty lesson and we cabbed it back home in record time. Ahhhh.. much better. We played Blackjack (single deck is so fun) for the afternoon adn I made some good cash. I walked away that day with 4, coount them 4! black chips. It was amazing. I was in awe. I have never ever in my whole life ever done that well. I started with $60 on the table, too. Yep. I was on fire. Andrea, unfortunately, was not. Vegas took her money this time. I stress the THIS TIME. She always gets it back. She is a keeper.

Friday night:
We left our gambling positions at around 6 to go up and get ready for our big night out. I was taking Andrea to Sensi at the Bellagio for dinner. It was a beautiful place that me, moll, les and mom went to for moll's bday in september. So we hung out and got pretty after Andrea napped for a bit (she's a napper, folks!) and went out on the town.

Dinner was great. They ended up being able to provide some vegetarian options for my girl so it all worked out. i was happy about that. My tuna tartare was fucking fantastic. I love that restaurant.

We went from dinner to the Mandalay for our adventure at Forty Deuce. Now, in the future will someone please remind us that we HATE those kind of places? Crowded, pretentious, full of all the people we hate, etc. We waited an hour with our $10 drinks, listening to bad music and watching the most annoying girls in the world dance on the stage (between shows, anyone can get up there. Bad rule.) Once the dancers came out we got 2 and then it went back to the DJ. Andrea and I were out of there way fast. We booked it and were just done. Sahara here we come!!

We get back to the sahara, get me out of my super cute but insanely uncomfortable shoes, and go back down to get our gamble on. We are scoping out the tables, deciding where to sit when, lo and behold there is our buddy Josh from the night before. We sat down at his table with him and his gf Kelly, this fantastic 71 year old black man named Harry and a quiet but very nice man named Joseph. Let me tell you, we had a fucking blast. We were yelling and cheering and hooting and hollering. We were by far the loudest table in the casino. Harry kept shouting out his Marine call, "Hoo-Ra!" and pounding fists with Josh. Kelly was crazy and was shouting "Bitches!" at anything that moved. OK, not true, but it was funny when she did it. We met Harry's 44 year old finacee and saw her gorgeous ring. We were a regular old family. I kept making side bets with Harry throughout the game. Um, I lost every one of them. Remind me not to do that anymore, k? Bad idea.

About mid-way through our extravaganza, Andrea started talking to a guy at the table behind us and he eventually joined our table. Meet Brad. Wonderful, fantastic Brad. He was so much fun. We all played at that table well into the morning and then decided to go to the Caravan Cafe to get our traditional end of the evening meal. Not as fun post-surgery. I can eat like 2 bites of cheeseburger, sans bun. And they stop making soup at 5am. Lame. Well we sat and ate with drunken, funny Brad. Moreso, he sat and ate. He ate his omelette, he finished Andrea's omelette, and if we hadn't gotten into a convo about mad cow disease, I am sure he would have eaten my cheeseburger. He was hi-larious. He knew his room number but had no idea which tower he was in. We had to find his friend Gino to figure it out so we could put him to bed. We had so much fun that night.

We did get to our room only to discover, to our absolute horror, that the sun had risen. It was truly shocking. Damn those casinos!

Saturday:
Well, I am not splitting this one into am/pm cuz we didn't get up til after 3. :) We were feeling pretty good for how late we were up and the amount of alcohol we consumed. I had a slow time getting used to the whole awake thing and almost retired to the room for a quick nap but I was a trooper and pushed on. Good thing I did because I sat down at a single deck blackjack table and proceeded to win about... um... $300. Yep, that's right. I said it. I had a freaking winning streak like no other. (Thanks to Canadian Rob who taught me a new betting strategy. I credit him entirely for my winnings this weekend.) Andrea, again, got the crap beaten out of her but she had some great people watching time. Cyril, our dealer, took all of her money and gave it to me. Not so nice of him.

We stayed at the Sahara all night that night. We hung out with Brad and his friend Gino and gambled at various spots around the casino. Brad pooped out early so we lost him around... I honestly haven't the slightest clue what time he left. Huh. Funny. Well, fast forward however many hours and however many vodka rocks and a bottle of water (my constant cocktail order) and we sat down at a table with these very cute boys. Well, 2 out of 3 but he went to bed early. They were all chiropracty students from Minnesota who were in Vegas for some kind of conference. They had obviously been drinkign for hooouuuurrrrrrrrssss by the time we sat down but they were so cute and so funny. I got to sit there and just crucsh on them while I won more money. What else can you ask for? Oh! I know! You can ask for the head rabbi of a temple in the valley to be sitting directly across from you at 5am on a Sunday playing Blackjack. Yep. He knew who my dad was and everything. So freaking funny. Rabbi Jerry - you rock!

I lost Andrea at around 5:30 that morning. She needed to sleep. I should have gone with her. I did manage to almost double my money - always good - but I was pretty much hallucinating by the time I left the table to go back to the room. My friends, I have an important public service announcement. Never, ever drink vodka and redbull for 14 hours straight. I wasn't all that drunk, mind you, but I felt like I had been smoking crack for 3 days. I didn't really sleep that night. I laid in bed and listened to my heart beat. Thank god I was pounding water like it was going out of style or I would've ended up mighty sick the next morning after my big 2 hours of sleep. Did I mention how much fun I had though?

Sunday, the final frontier:
Last days are always sad. You get up all flustered and early, trying to actually check out by the time you are supposed to. It never happens. We got out of the room around 1 or so and made a grand attempt at eating at Paco's Tacos (I will never remember what that place is actually called!) but, alas... they are open 5pm-11pm. So sad. We settled ont he Caravan Cafe, even though it was kind fo sacrilege to go there at the beginning of a day instead of an end. We bucked up and went for it. We, of course had to do some gambling on our way outta Dodge so we blackjacked it for a bit. I lost horribly but Andrea built herself a nice little stack of chips, I must say. It made me happy.

We ended with a round of video poker and then the big trip to the cashier. See, you have to do the whole dig through the purse and pockets thing cuz god forbid you end up back at home with like a $25 Sahara chip and nowhere to spend it. We managed to get all the money in and back in our hands ina spendable fashion. I went home with about $490 of my $500 i had taken out. That included cabs, make-up, food, everything. I rocked this weekened. :)

OK, to sum up: Great weekend. We are already planning our next one; we are thinking April.

A contest!

I have decided to have a little ocntest with myself. I am reinstating the little thing that counts down how much i have lost and whatever. I decided to use my weight from where I started in August, not just post-surgery. That isn;t the contest. The contest is that everytime i post one on here, I will try to find one even uglier than the last one!! Yay! Go middle-America and your desire for ugly/cheezy/american flag decorated crap! Here is my first one:

up it comes!

so this will be a never ending battle, I assume. I eat fine for a while and then I don;t and then I puke. I puked twice this weekend. I was dumb and ate too fast both times - my own stupid fault. I guess this will just happen from time to time. Food gets stuck and if ti is too painful or too much to wait it out, up it comes. I have gotten kinda good at it, oddly enough. Well, maybe it's not a new talent but my body knows more what to do in the situation, I guess. It's ok... I am definitely getting my claories and vitamins and protein in and everything so all is ok.

Hung with my dad this weeknd and had so much fun. He is great. It is hard when we are apart for so long and we get kinda disconnected. This weekend, though, we just sat around and watched TV and hung out and chatted - good times with my dad. He is up for a job in SF and I would be so happy if he got it; I would love to just get to hang out with him more. It would be cool to have family inthe area too, not to mention I might get my sisters here even more often!!! Yay! He will know by the end of the week, I think so cross your fingers and toes!!

I go to Vegas on Thursday with my Andrea and I am so f'ing excited I can't even believe it. I keep picturing us at the tables just playing blackjack for hours. This is gonna rock. Andrea bought me my outfit for Forty Deuce on Friday night (it is so hot!!) and she also bought me some great jeans and stuff so I will be all set for the trip. I also went to DSW when I was in LA for New Years and bought 4 - yes, 4! - pairs fo girl shoes. :) I bought a pair of boots, a pair of round toed heels for skirts, a pair of pink patent leather prada shoes for jeans and a paird of square toed heels for pants. I did so well. I also bought another pair of shoes when I went to the mall with Allison last week that i will wear with my super hot outfit! I am really excited to go to Vegas without my tennies. I just don;t see any need for them. My boots are totally comfy enough for walkin' (and made for that, if the song is correct) so that is all I need for casual wear. I am feeling changed. I am feeling really really good.

and so comes the funk...

iknow itisn't the truth; i know it is only what i am feeling exactly at this moment. iknow this can't go on forever. i will succeed. i am not failing myself. i will succeed, i just need to find the me inside it all. i will exercise. i will eat right. i will stop pitying myslef for what i haven't done qnd start congratulating myself for what i have accomplished. this will happen eventually, i am just stuck in my usual ways. it is hard. this is hard. i don't know where to start and end and begin and follow and everything else in between. i find a moment of visualziton, followed by an hur of chaotic thought. this is me, i guess.

The big 3-0

December 30th was Ari's 30th birthday. The reason I am writing this so late is cuz, well, I have been away/trying not to deal with it all but now here I am. He would have been 30. Stupid fuck. He would have had a great party or travelled to some incredible place and it would have been amazing and fun and celebratory. Instead it's a day that people get to cry. Dumb, dumb boy. I miss him like I would miss my limbs if I lost them. That is a gross thought but it is absolutely true. Not a moment goes by, still, that he isn't involved in in my mind. Maybe it is his fault that I am in this crazy funk right now; maybe I am having residual post-bday mourning. Would it be so shocking? Um, no. It would be so me.