Stomach Stapling and other Stories of Straying from a Stagnant State

Whoa....

2009-02-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

Uh, it's been kind of a long time. I know I am pretty much just writing this for myself now, but that's all good. I actually signed on here to create a new blog so I could post ebay pics... short, boring story... and thought I would look at my blog. It's been about a year since I last posted. So much has happened. Wow.

I look a little different, but not so much. Numbers have definitely changed, though. I struggle. A lot. I am in the high 170's right now. I owe that to total overeating of calorie-dense foods. I mow through cookies and chips, I have included fast food back in my diet. It's all stuff I know better than to do. I saw that I said I was 148 or something in my last post. That made me a little sad, to be honest. I don't even remember weighing that. 30 pounds less is crazy. I was wishing for 5-10 pounds less yesterday. I say I am trying but it's a lie. I am thinking about trying.

I have been more active than before. I have been playing tennis now and again. I am jobless so I am vowing to exercise. Vowing and doing aren't the same. Today's excuse is that my shoes are at my boyfriend's house.

Different bf than my last post. That guy cut and run. Whatev. This one... he is a keeper. Mike Miller... such an f'ing catch. We are both catches.

Still sober. 2 years and a week or so.

Signing off for now. I need to go post things on ebay to supplement my non-income.

Food is still a struggle and will always be, I suppose. Constant vigilance.

By the way...

2007-12-16T08:42:00.000-08:00

This is me now.

Um, wow.

2007-12-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

So, I got up this am after a blissful night of sleep (I only slept for 2 hours the night before) and decided I felt pretty skinny and that I should weigh myself. Now, last week I had to go a hole tighter on my belt so I know things are changing. I have noticed a much more pronounced thing goin' on with my collar bones too. So, I step on the scale (it's been 2 weeks since I last weighed) and I saw something miraculous. I weigh 148.4 pounds. I am in the 140's. It has been 10 years since I was in the 140's. The lowest I ever got with Phen Fen was 147 when I was 21 years old. Today I weigh 148.4 pounds and I am healthy. I am not eating flour, sugar and wheat. I am not obsessing over every bite of food I put in my mouth. I don't have the chaos that has surrounded food, whether I was heavier or thinner, my entire life. I feel pretty free from food obsession. It's amazing. I don't get on the scale every day. I don't weigh the once a month I supposed to but every 2 weeks is huge. I just keep saying the number to myself. I am really just amazed. I thought my journey was done. Even after my surgery, I was kind of resigned to the fact that I would still be kinda fat for the rest of my life - that the 160's, or maybe the 150's, would be where I had to live and I would just yoyo around there. That doesn't have to be. In fact, that isn't going to be. I get to keep losing until I am where I should be. I can be in my 130's and feel good and healthy. Do I wanna weigh 115? Sure - who doesn't? :) But do I HAVE to? Absolutely not. I just get to keep going to the point where I am healthiest and then I just get to live my life. It's amazing to imagine a life that isn't so dietcentric. I am excited about the life I get to lead.

On another happy note, I am dating someone. :) He is great. We've now been on 5 official dates. Like, real dates. He plans things and picks me up and opens car doors and walks on the side of the street where traffic is and does all kinds of romantic, sweet things. We went ice skating downtown last weekend, today we are going to the Getty Villa, Friday night we went to dinner... it's been really nice. I realize I have never really dated someone before. I kinda would just meet someone (always not in my city), get to know them a tiny bit on phone or email and then hook up and have a weird long distance/together 24 hours a day when we are in the same town relationship. I like doing things this way. I think I am finding I really like things a lot slower nowadays. It's been nice getting to know someone and having them get to know me. It's nice to have someone tell me I am a catch and believe them when they say it. There is definitely something to that whole "you have to love yourself in order to be loved" thing. At least it feels better that way.

Work is fantastic, life is great, sobriety is incredible and the world is a beautiful place. Who would have ever thought I would such a cheery person. God, I am annoying. :)

And now ti is time to sit down, turn on the XM Radio '40s station and read the sunday paper. I love being an 80 year old lady.

Life is good.

2007-12-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

Seriously, life is really good. The salon is open for business and all is going well. We are slow on the customer scene but it will build. We have a bunch of press on us coming out this month and I really think that will build a lot of buzz. I have been on the floor more, instead of helping on the desk. I still like being able to help them out on the clerical side but I was getting frustrated watching the other associates get to work on dollheads and techniques while I answered the phones. We have our holiday party/celebratory dinner tonight at Dolce. I am gonna go find a party dress to wear, today. I'm excited. :)

I have been seeing a really great guy. :) His name is John and he is great. We've been out 4 times now and it has been really fun. I have never "dated" anyone, really. Like we are slowly getting to know each other every time we go out. I have always gone into relationships long distance so this is a really nice change. He is smart, funny, kind, romantic and just a really good guy. I think I am a fan. Last night we went ice skating downtown in Pershing Square, had dinner at the farmer's market and coffee at the Biltmore. Fun date. :)

Things with my food and weight have been going great. I weighed last week and I was at 152. Amazing. I have lost half of me since my highest weight. Well, highest weight that I know of. I feel amazing. I feel cute and girly and healthy and successful. I am still not eating flour, sugar or wheat. I have had some moments of straying off my plan - just in terms of timing and quantity - but for the most part I have really been sticking to things. I am so glad I finally am dealing with my food stuff. The surgeries have had a huge part in it. It's interesting how they ended up not being the solution, but rather what led me to it. The mental and emotional and spiritual rewards from my weight loss and this whole journey are immense and priceless.

I spoke at my regular Thursday AA meeting last week. My sponsor is the secretary of the meeting and she asked me to speak. It was weird. I had to tell my whole story in 15 minutes. I don't remember anything I said, really. I am told I was funny and touching and everything so that feels good. I feel like such a part of that meeting and AA in general. It is just such a good feeling. I am so thankful for everything that has come out of this - my life is better than I could veer imagine it being. Like, I knew things would get better if I got sober but I had no idea how amazing I would feel. I am actually happy. I thought I just wasn't a happy person. I was so wrong.

Material Necessities

2007-12-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

I need to get some electronic accessories. I have pics on my camera fro the last few months that I need to share with you guys and I can't because I can't find my camera cord. I can't din my $9.99 camera cord so I don't post new pics. Something is wrong with that scenario.

I need to get some cell phone accessories. My phone - my pink razr that I coveted and spent way too much money on - has decided it no longer likes to charge using any of the devices I currently own or have been given, free of charge, by the guy at the AT&T store. It WILL charge using my friend Rachael's car charger that I have essentially stolen from her under the guise of borrowing it. A charger costs $29.99 and I refuse to buy one, even though I can only use my phone for like, 5 minutes every other day now because it is constantly dying and I can only charge it that tiny bit in my 5 minute commute to the salon. Again, it's a ridiculous scenario.

I need to buy some clothes. I can only wear black or white to work and I am finding I didn't prepare so well for this. I don't need fancy stuff or quality goods. I need a trip to Forever 21. For $100, I can probably score 6 shirts and that would pad my paltry selection quite well.

I need to get some gifts for folks for the holidays. Hannukah starts on freakin' Tuesday or something. Damn.

I need a bday present for a 7 year old. She likes princesses but I only buy kids books. Books are fun.

Looks like I just made today's to-do list. I also get to go to the Farmer's Market to buy my veggies for the week. I get to cook spaghetti sauce and meals for the week. I get to paint and work on new pieces that I am really enjoying getting creative with. I get to not go into the salon cuz they decided not to do a regular day today. I did get invited to lunch with the owners but I turned them down because a day off is rare in my world right now and I need to use it wisely. Even though I would have loved to hang with them - they are a hoot - I think I made a good decision on my day.

Enjoy your Sunday, my friends. Read your papers and run your errands and sing in the car and wear a comfy hoodie. I am really grateful for days like these. This is the true definition of Sunday.

Thanks Giving.

2007-11-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like this is the first year I really understand the meaning of Thanksgiving. It's not about stories of Pilgrims and Indians. It's not even about harvest or bountiful crops. It is somewhat about traditions and family, but both of those things can change form throughout your life. Thanksgiving is really something that should be able to be celebrated everyday. In the last month or so, I have been able to say thank you everyday. I am so grateful for the life I have. I feel normal (whatever that is) for the first time in my life. I can do things that everyone else probably takes for granted like plan a day's activities, return something to a store, go to work everyday, get out of bed and not be filled with a sense of impending doom. This is miraculous to me. I don't know how I got here - I certainly didn't do it myself. I finally have a normal life. I am finally able to just deal with life's everyday tasks and I love each and every one of them. Going to the grocery store is cause for rejoicing. Running errands and doing house-y things really make me happy. I feel like I am getting to know myself and what I like for the first time in my life. I am 31 years old and I am just meeting me; and you know what? I think I really like me.

So thank you to each and everyone of you. Thank you FOR each and every one of you. Thank you to whatever it is out there who watches over all of us and pushes us along. Thank you to family who helps me get by and friends who pick me up. Thank you for my talents, my skills, my abilities and my fortune. Thank you for making me able to live my life happy, joyous and free - I am only sorry there are people who didn't have that option and others who don't choose it. Thank you for my new body and for the strength to learn how to keep it. Thank you for my sobriety and all the gifts that have come with it. Thank you for finding me a salon which is a perfect fit for me. Thank you for helping me figure out that sometimes silence is the most beautiful music there is. Thank you for my confidence and self esteem. Thank you for new friends and old ones. Thank you for the chance to get rid of resentments and make amends. Thank you for my warm bed and beautiful home. Thank you, even, for the cat that wakes me up at 6am every day; even she makes me smile.

I hope that you all have a wonderful thanksgiving. I hope you can all find something to be thankful for and that you know that at least one person out there is thankful for you.

2 years

2007-11-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today is 2 years since my gastric bypass surgery. I truly have a different life. The changes are miraculous:

I am a size 8/10
I weigh in the 150's
I am sober
I am happy
I am not tired all the time
I am not in pain - ever, really
I don't see myself as a fat girl anymore
I got to have a lower body lift
The number of things I can do, that I couldn't do before, is extraordinary.

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I am so grateful for this life I have been given.

I am all over this...

2007-11-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

So I saw this article on Yahoo today. They found a molecule that turns hunger on and off. It would be amazing if the next generation didn't have to deal with obesity and food addiction. Check out the article here.

Well, socal is on fire.

2007-10-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

All I have been doing is watching Breaking News all day. Not true. I went to a meeting and some food but if I am here, I am watching the news. It's pretty fucked. Here is someting to take your minds off of the hellishness. Go look at the cutest things ever.

What we eat around the world...

2007-10-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

I found this online and thought it was pretty cool to see what families around the world spend on food and what food they buy. Yeah, Americans are not so healthy but Germans and Mexicans aren't doin' so hot with their nutrition either. Check it out.

Updates!

2007-10-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so much better. Wow. It's been 4 weeks and one day since surgery and I am a new woman. the only thing I have to be careful of is straining muscle stuff but otherwise, i am doing so well. I have so much more confidence, I can't even believe it. I am in a size 8 or 10, depending on the clothes, I wear a size 30 jeans and a size Large juniors or M women's tops. It is so cool. I feel good. I don't feel like the fat girl anymore. It's amazing. There are times I feel better than others but overall, and I have been waiting my whole life to say this, I think I feel normal. It's all I ever wanted.

I was taking Ativan to help me relax enought o get to sleep but last night I didn't take it and I think I might have actually slept better. I didn't wake up groggy at all and I feel rested. I think I need to stop taking it and just bite the bullet and learn to fall asleep again. It's hard because my go-tohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif-sleep position is on my stomach - that signals bedtime to me - and I can't lay like that so I get frustrated. I will try to just work with what I have for now.

I have been spending tons of time with my mom lately and it has been really fun. With my new job and my new body, I have gotten really into fashion and style and my mom is a great buddy in that! We shop together and look online at stuff - it's fun! We also geek out about books and puzzles too - don't worry! :)

I am starting my 4th step again this week. I am doing really well and feeling really good about my sobriety. My sponsor is the most amazing woman ever. We have so much fun together and she just helps me so much. I am looking forward to moving on with all the work I have/get to do to stay sober and really, kinda be a better person and have a better life. Baby steps.

Off to drink some coffee. I am doing a new person's hair today - she was a client when I assisted an advanced course at school and one of the stylists who was in the class gave her my email to contact for a cut. I am excited, I think. I am also nervous as shit. But I need to remember, she did come to the school to get cut the first time, so she is open to a beginner, and she doesn't know the difference. It's all about confidence. i know I have the skill to cut her hair. It might not be a perfect Sassoon cut but it will do her well. We'll do a color consult while I am there too so I'll do that tomorrow or next week. Yay for income!!!

Random but so amazing.

2007-10-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

I was stumbling around the internet tonight and ended up at this website: The Willard Suitcase Exhibit Online. It is an awesome exhibit, and book, that was put together around all of the suitcases that were found in the attic of an abandoned building at Willard Mental Institution in New York, after it closed. The suitcases belonged to former inmates throughout the years. The website is beautiful and the content is really interesting. The stories of the people, the amount of time they spent at the institution and the things they kept are all fascinating. Check it out.

Not for the squeamish...

2007-10-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

So, my surgeon gave me a picture of what they cut from my body and I have it right here. :) I really want to post it on here but I do worry that people might get a bit grossed out. I don't care! It''s so cool! I wish I could have made something out of the skin. :) Is that weird? ;) Well, here goes. Here is 10 lbs. of Neely that I have been carrying around my entire life and so do not need anymore. You can't have it though. Apparently it's considered a biohazard. Stupid medical waste.

I will have before and afters up here soon. I can't find my stupid camera cord. I am feeling good though and am healing well. I don't have to go back to the doctor til November now. My swelling is going down and I can shop. :) I had no idea how much I loved shopping. Wow. I can't wait til I make money again. :)

My birthday was Tuesday. I turned 31. It was mildly traumatic but ok. I am looking forward to the next year. I think that things will really change a lot and that is exciting. I can't wait to see where everything goes. I think it is going to be amazing to see what is in store for me!!

Thank fucking god.

2007-09-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Today I had my last drain removed. I don't know if I was gonna make it for a bit there. I am so thankful to have it out. The drain site was really hurting for the last few days and I was really just over it. I also had to wait til the drains were out to shower (I have been sponge bathing - yuck) and start wearing my compression garment. I also get to stop taking antibiotics. I don't know why I wanted to stop taking them so bad but just having to make sure I take them 4 times a day and with food and blah blah blah. That is done. Phew.

It's been kinda hard for the last few days for me. I have been in a lot of pain. I kinda feel like I have been hit by a truck and my stomach muscles feel like they are on fire at times. I think I was doing so well the first 2 weeks cuz I was managing my pain really well so I was up and around ok. Now, I am only taking tylenol, which is so not working. I am having a really hard time sleeping - both falling asleep and staying asleep. I know this is affecting my emotional state, too. When you don't sleep, you don't heal. I need to get better so I am going to try to be more regular with my Tylenol and taking my Ativan at night to help me relax and sleep. I think I was really not wanting to put substances in my body cuz I didn;t want to get used to the feeling. I know I just need to do what my doctor says and take my meds.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get myself out of this hole I am finding myself in. I went to a meeting yesterday and it felt really good. Things'll get better. I just need to focus on staying in the moment and seeing how things are improving.

Where's my paycheck?!

2007-09-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

I got this email today. Badly written, though it is, I couldn't be happier.

Congratulations!!!!!!
Team Members you have been chosen to be a part of the Doves Hair Art Team. We plan to open the salon early November and we would like to start by giving you training ahead of our start date.
We have planned a two days of training on October the 7th and 8th at R&D Wella.
6109 De Soto Avenue,
Woodland Hills CA 91367
At 10:00am.
On October 7th you will need to bring a notebook and pen for the morning segment which will be about System Proffessional which is wella’s prescriptive range of care and styling and in the afternoon at 1:00pm on the 7th of October arrange for two blow dry models, one who will need to be blow dryed straight from curly( long) and one second model who will need to be round brush styling to give volume and ready to go out.

Monday the 8th is all day color class (theory only)

We have also planned an intensive 2day class on the 14th and 15th of October with Chris and Sonya at the same address, all tools to be brought.
This class will be on mannequins and will be quite intense. It will be designed to cover all aspects of hairdressing and will help all of us to be on the same page as far as cutting, color and styling etc.
We are very excited about the new Dove Team and thank you for your enthusiasm and professionalism.

Yay!!! I got my job!!! I am getting paid crap but I get thousands of dollars in education and an amazing opportunity. My friend Rachael also got hired - that is a huge bonus. Out of 500 people, we made it. Not bad!

post op depression

2007-09-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure I am going through some post op depression. I am miserable. I am having some pretty fhitty anxiety about everything around me. I am just feeling shitty. I want to isolate. I want to eat. I want to drink. I hate feeling like this. I haven't taken a real shower in 11 days and I feel disgusting. I am clean-ish and stuff but I just wanna shower. I have one last drain left to remove and it just isn't going down. I need it to be at 30cc or less per day and it is still at 60 every day. It's not coming out anytime soon. Once the drain is out, I can shower and wear my regular compression garment but not until then. Now I still sponge bathe and wear my waist binder. I think I am just feeling so unsettled still. It's really taking its toll. Then, on top of those feelings, I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know post op depression is real - there is tons of stuff online about it and it was warned about and stuff. It still feels bad though.

I also have my second interview with The Doves tomorrow. I have to do a model's cut and color. I am bringing my mom - I have done her hair a ton of times so it will at least be familiar. I feel liek she really doesn;t need a hair cut, though. I will just take off a tiny bit, I guess. I am so nervous. I don't know what i will do, really, if they don't hire me. I have totally put all my eggs in one basket here. And ot working for so long has eroded at my confidence and made me feel just yuck. I want my daily routine back. I want to be working again. I am over this. It feels so bad.

Sorry for such a dark update. I am just really in a crappy headspace right now. I feel a little better having spilled it here, though. I need to just get through tomorrow. I need to be going to meetings again. I need to be focusing on AA a lot more too. Wish me luck.

Healing time.

2007-09-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Oy, this is taking some time. I am in a much better headspace than I was last time I wrote. I had my little mental breakdown and am on the way to recovery, I think. I had my check in appointment yesterday so I actually got dressed and left the house for the first time. If you are ever taking care of someone going through this, I really recommend getting them out of the house. Just tot he store or anywhere. It helps to feel more human.Sitting around in my pajamas all the time is not good for the mind. I had a weird bout of agorophobia when I was getting ready to go to the doctor yesterday. I got kind of scared and anxious about having to be out in the world around people. It scared me to feel like that. I think that is motivating me to get myself together and get out and do stuff while also making sure to rest and heal my body.

I finally saw myself in clothes - it was amazing. My body looks like anyone else's. And my little tush is really cute. :) I am excited to see how I fit into clothes and what size I actually wear. I am just doing the yoga pants thing for now. It is amazing to put pants on, though, and not have to cover my fat stomach. I don't have to worry about my saggy stomach in front. The pants just go on. I can't wait to get this last drain out so I can just put stuff on normally.

Yesterday was one week since surgery and I went in to the doctor for a check in. I did get 3 of the drains taken out yesterday at the doctor but one drain is still putting out a lot of fluid so it will be in for a while longer. Dr. Orringer was thrilled with the results. We are already talking about getting the next surgery planned. He said he is thinking that he might be ok with a scar down my middle so that he can take out a little last bit of skin that is right downthe center of my stomach. We'll see what happens. I am more than ready to get the next step started. It's weird - having this done has actually motivated me to exercise. I am really looking forward to getting back on the treadmill. I like the idea of my body not bouncing around when I work out. I am excited about that and excited to get the rest of my body matching this new me. The dr. said he was amazed at my progress and that i was healing os well and I was a great patient. Felt good. :)

Today i am gonna try to get to a meeting. I am just gonn aatry and get up and about as much as I can. Wish me luck!

ow.

2007-09-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I am home and healing. I will do the whole description thing soon but I figured I would do a quick check in first. I am kinda glum, I guess. I am bored but don't want any company. I just want to be better. Everything definitely hurts but it's not awful, I guess. I washed my hair this am and took a faux shower. I felt gross. I am just bored, I think. Everything is annpying me. I am about to kill the cat. My computer keeps randomly going to sleep. There is nothing on tv. My netflix is taking forever. I think I need to just deal with my meds and take something to relax and for the pain but I get all anxious that I am using stuff wrong. I don't wanna fuck up but I also need to be taking meds as I need them. I dunno. I am just bored and irritated, I think.

This is it for a while...

2007-09-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

I go into surgery in approximately 11 hours. I am as prepared as I am ever gonna be, I guess. I just packed my stuff to take with me. Not really sure what I need. I brought socks and undies and facewash and lotion and crap. I tried to buy pjs at Ross today but ended up empty handed. I can never decide on anything when I am there. Now I wish I had bought something. Ugh. Oh well. If I need anything I can always send someone home - I only live, like, 10 blocks from the place I will be. I am sure it will all be fine. Whatev.

I am excited and nervous. I am expecting everything and nothing, all at the same time. I don't know what is going to come out of all of this but I really just hope... I don't know what I hope. I just hope.

See you all on the other side.

The time is nigh...

2007-09-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

You can tell I am getting close to the date of surgery just by the level of irritation and pissed off-ness I am displaying in my everyday life. Everything is annoying. Every little thing around me is totally, ugh, I don't even know how to describe it. I hate feeling this way. This feeling is the polar opposite of serenity. I am over-analyzing everything. I am overthinking even the most minute details in my life. I am feeling guilt and shame and all this crap about things that don't even matter. I feel like my life is way out of control. It kind of is, I guess. The time is finally here and I feel like I wanna do all this stuff but I can't or won't (I am not sure which). I don;t even know what it is I necessarily want to be doing - it just feels like I should be doing something.

Today, I was going to go help my friend Elisa clean out stuff from her dad's house and move it back to hers. I also have to get my color done before surgery and today is the only day I can do it. Totally meaningful task versus totally superficial, but necessary to me, task. I hate those kind of decisions. I am going to try to do both. Makes me feel like a selfish asshole and that is a terrible way to feel. Blech.

I also wanted to hang out with the potential guy before my surgery but I don't know when that will happen, if at all. In my new panic filled mindset where I no longer have the power to make good decisions, I am being all crazy in my head about things with him instead of just letting stuff happen. My solution for now is to just be crazy in y own world and not involve him in any of it. It's better that way.

I ate my weight in food at the fair on Saturday. That is also making me feel like shit. My goal in going to the fair was to eat 0- I knew it, I planned it that way, goos fun, right? Well, it didn;t make me feel so great afterwards. Food is entertaining but I get obsessed. I hate it. After all my treadmilling, i think I lost like .2 pounds this week. Yes, that is two tenths of a pound. I ate enough to balance out all that workingout. Oh well. At least i didn;t gain. I just think I have gotten to the point where I know I have a serious probem with food - just as serious as I do with other substances. I hate that but I need to figure something ut with all fo this. It just feels bad inside. I didn;t work out yesterday cuz I was hanging with Jason but I will go get on the treadmill in a few minutes and hopefully walk for a long time. Or at least just do it. I am sure I have a podcast to distract me.

Sorry for the negative feeling to this post - I am just feeling crazy. I did have a great time at the fair with moll on saturday. We saw tiny, teeny baby pigs that i wanted to steal. We also saw the biggest cow ever. We paid an extra buck to see this giant steer and I thought, ok, how big could it be? It was huge. HUGE. I was in awe. I could have stayed there and stared at it for an hour, I swear. It was insane. I have never seen anythng like it. There is no way to understand it unless you see it. i didn;t. Huge. We went on the giant slide and ate funnel cake (it was delicious) and deep fried smores and I got a turkey leg and a corn dog. See what I mean about food? Oy. But it was so much fun. We walked around for, like, 6 hours straight. I say everyone shoudl go to the County Fair. So worth it.

Off to my pseudo busy day. 2 more days and this is done. I am so finished with waiting. Ugh. I want my sanity back.

We're off to the fair!!

2007-09-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am taking Moll to the LA County Fair today for an early bday celebration. I am very excited. We're gonna go see the baby animals and all the as seen on tv stuff - we might buy a crazy mop or the Debbie Meyers Green Bags! I am quite excited for a day of Americana. Gotta love traveling inland a little.

One day closer to surgery. I haven't been sleeping well at all. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and then staying up for an hour or so. It's annoying. This morning it was 5am-6:30ish. I have gotten in some extra tv time - that's been a bonus. Not so much. Hopefully the sleeping trouble will go away soon.

Good 2nd date last night. That's a first for me. He knows I am having surgery and all about the bypass and stuff. I had to tell him. We're in a "talk soon" place now. I think all will be well. We get along really well and seem to have lots in common. It's nice to just let stuff happen and not be all crazy about it. Amazing how well that works in all aspects of my life.

Still treadmilling. Not so motivated this am but I did it anyway. The fried foods I might (plan to) eat at the fair today will at least be a tiny bit counteracted.

Waiting for time to pass sucks. I have spent a lot of time looking at my body and checking out things that aren't gonna be there anymore. I have spent my whol elife - seriously, since I can remember - with my fat, hangy stomach. It has always been there, sticking out around my underwear, ruining the chance of anything looking even remotely sexy or cute. That is going to be gone. I have always wondered what it was like to just have your midsection be continuous - not have it divided by a fat roll. I will finally know what that is like. I can't get my head around that yet. I don't think I will really be able to get it until it's been there for a while. I have realized how much the skin really is getting in the way of exercise. I have been jogging for bits of time on the treadmill and it is just painful with my skin all loose. My arms rub against my sides too and it hurts after a while. In a year all will be better, I hope.

I have been painting a lot, oddly enough. Bought some little canvases and paints at the store and have just been being artsy. It's actually been really fun. Who knew?

Enjoy your day - wish you were coming to the fair!!

I am not such a patient patient.

2007-09-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

I am doing the countdown dance again. Last time I did this, I was so busy with work and preparing at the Museum that I didn't really have time to think about it so much. Not this time around. All I do is think about surgery. I get excited then nervous. I get terrified then totally blissful. I think about how incredible it is going to look then I think about how not up to my expectations it might be. I am all over the place. I have to remember it is going to be better than now. Anything is better than now.

In my treadmill/exercise extravaganza as of late, I have realized my first REAL impediment this skin is causing. When I pump my arms as I walk, my skin really rubs. Like, my arms and my side really get not so good feeling. It is shitty. The side skin will be addressed in surgery 2 and maybe the arms soon after that. I hope so.

By the way, I have decided not to put before and after pics from surgery on this site. I am more than happy to share them with anyone who wants to email me for them but there are some people who might still read this who I don't necessarily want seeing me butt naked in my before and afters. Maybe I will put up some censored ones so you can get an idea. We'll see.

Off to another day. Treadmill, nail painting, sponsor meeting (yay!), hair cutting (mine, this time), and then a lovely date to watch the latest season of nip/tuck on dvd. Second date. Interesting. Wish me luck!

"Always expect better things ahead."

2007-09-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

I read that this morning and it just made sense. I used to be of the "expect the worst; then anything else will be a pleasant surprise" school of thought. Fuck that. I say expect the best and then deal with any bumps you might face along the way. Why expect the worst? To settle for failure before it even happens? To lower your standards? To demean yourself by thinking you don't deserve the best? No way. Everyone deserves the best if they really want it and work towards it. You just have to put in the work. That is all. And the work? Not so tough. Just do good in the world and for yourself and others. Simple.

I am such a freakin' optimist. Damn.

By the way, surgery is one week from today. One week from right now, I will be cut in half. Actually, from right now they will probably be sewing my new bellybutton in or maybe cutting off the excess neely. :) I hope I can get them to take pictures of the skin they cut off of me - I seriously want a picture of it. I just wanna see what I don;t have to carry around anymore. I am getting so excited. Ack!

4 years

2007-09-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

4 years ago yesterday, my friend Ari died. I was so caught up in my stuff and so unaware of what day it even was to notice until last night. I miss Ari very much. I miss him in little everyday things that happen. I miss him when I don't get to share stuff in my life with him. I miss him when I am going through so many changes and he isn't here to see it. I miss him when I think of things I should have told him years ago and will never have the chance to. I miss him when I find things that help me out in my life and I know could have helped him but he won't ever get to find out about. I miss the stupid things we had in common. I miss the fucked up friendship we had because there were so many things we didn't have in common. I miss the peacefulness when I finally realized that he was just going to be in my life forever and I could finally stop fighting for him. I hate the feeling of knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth that could ever be.

Ari, I miss you more than you could have ever assumed I would. I found all the stuff from when you died when I was moving - the obituaries people sent me from Boston after I put an ad on Craigslist asking for them; the obits from LA; the thing from your funeral here; letters I wrote to you right after you died. I even found the tape of messages you left on my answering machine that you hated me for having. I can't bring myself to listen to those just yet. In time...

I miss you, Ar. I love you. I hate this day. Such a waste. Such a dumb mistake.

Commitment revision (i.e., let's make reasonable goals instead of needing everything to be so fucking black and white)

2007-09-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

Um, I hate to admit mistakes but I may have been a bit overzealous in yesterday's commitments. I did do the treadmill (52 minutes, 2.75 miles, 383 calories) and I did stop eating earlier than usual (10:15pm or so) but I need to see that reasonable goals make for a successful outcome. I tracked all my calories (1400 in total yesterday) and my WW points (28, I think) but I was so aggravated and generally pissed off by day's end that I needed to get a little laxer on myself. Then, when I woke up today and logged onto the WW website, I found this article there:

The dog days of summer are over, Labor Day has come and gone. The kids are back in school and work is cranking up again. As you ready yourself for fall, you might realize that summer's ice cream cones, barbecues and vacation meals may have weakened your weight-loss resolve.

Now is the perfect time to get "back on track!" We asked several Leaders in the New York City area how to do just that. Their overwhelming response was to start small. Losing weight can sometimes seem overwhelming, but breaking down a sizable goal into mini-goals can make the process more manageable.

Many try to do too much too soon. A better tactic is to take one small step, which moves you closer to the next small step. Soon all of those steps add up and you're cruising along!

Our Back on Track Challenge can help you re-start your weight-loss efforts. Each week, for the next four weeks, we'll suggest a single, simple habit for you to practice during that week. As you move forward, we challenge you to continue with the habit from the previous week, while adding a new one.

Week 1: Step Back on the Scale
Our challenge to you this week is simply to get back on the scale. Whether at home or in the meeting room, you'll find out exactly where you stand. It may seem scary, but with that information, you can assess the situation and start to do something about it. After you find out the results, visit the "Back on Track" Message Board and share your experience . If the scale is too intimidating, just get to a meeting. It's a step in the right direction.

Duh. This takes time. I needed to use a patch to quit smoking, what makes me think that quitting my bad eating habits will be any different? It is ok for me to start this with exercise and healthier choices. I will eat popcorn for a snack instead of bowls of cereal. I won't get frozen yogurt every day. I will try to find more creative ways to spend my time, other than eating. That is all I need to do. I need to do whatever I can do - it is a step in the right direction.

On a more serious note...

2007-09-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

...I am out of control with my eating. I quit smoking for surgery, and I know that is a really good thing, but I am using food now; I am no longer eating it. I just eat constantly. I snack like it is going out of style. I need to get this under control. I have gained like 5 pounds, I think, in the last 2 weeks. That is unacceptable. Thankfully, I woke up fed up today. I started to write down what I eat and track it on the ww site online. Even if I don't do perfectly, at least I am holding myself accountable for it. I don;t want to be heavier than I already am for this surgery. I really wanna be as low as I can be but I am just eating so much. All I do all night is eat. I am feeding a hunger that is so not physical. It is so dumb. So today I am committing to 3 things, just until surgery for now:

Track all the food I eat - even the not so good stuff.

Treadmill every day - I don't have to run a marathon but I have to walk for at least 45 minutes.

No more eating after 9pm. I can be fine all day and then consume 2000 calories (I don't really know how much) between 9 and 2am. Not ok.

So that is my plan. I am determined to do everything I can to stick to it. It is so not going to be easy. I think i am really going to have to go moment by moment on this, especially the not eating at night. I have had to give up other things that I couldn;t ignore were unhealthy for me. Food, the way I am consuming it, needs to be placed in the same category for me. It all comes down to what kind of life I want to lead. I want to be free of this shit and I just need to face it and do it. And chew a lot of gum and drink a lot of Crystal Light. :)

Wish me luck.

Lemme geek out for just one second....

2007-09-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, not so surprising to all of you, I am sure, but when I am a big reader. Sure, I go through phases but I will always love books. I am even learning to accept my inherited nerdiest-license-plate-ever (N2BOOKS; thanks mom). Well, this has been going on my whole life. As would happen with anything you have a passion for, there are certain things within hat passion that stand out - favorite movies, foods, people... Well, books have done the same for me - the Harry Potters, Gone with the Wind, anything Howard Zinn writes, and countless others. Well, the other thing that gave me that feeling when I was a young 'tween was Stephen King. Reading IT was a huge turning point in my imaginative life. I read everything of his I could find after that. And this brings me to my favorite short story of his, The Mist. It was the first story (and way longest one) in his book of short stories, Skeleton Crew, and now, after a million years, they are finally making it into a movie. :) I am way excited. This story was so creepy and just so... good. I dunno. November 27th. I am there.

Serenity

2007-09-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

(Some of you who know me assumed this post was gonna be about something Whedon-esque. Sorry to disappoint.)

I found this quote online today and it really summed up what has helped me make the most changes in my life and reap some serious benefits:

"I will not wrestle with every problem today. Some problems will be
dealt with later and some will seem to solve themselves. I will
know that I am part of an upward development that is continuing."

It seems so easy - all you have to do is just let it go and know that it's all just gonna be ok. I admit, I can't alway find the courage to do this but when I can, and when I realize I just have been for a while, I can see how good things are. It is really cool.

Just try and take that in - everything is going to be ok. Better yet, everything is going to be so much more than ok - everything is going to be fucking awesome.

God damn I am bored.

2007-08-31T12:12:00.000-07:00

I am so done waiting. I am in this lame-o limbo place right now and it has officially gotten old. I have 12 days until surgery. I really don't have much to do until then except do hair occasionally and, well, not much else. Booooring.

My trip up north was fun. I did a lot of hair. I cut and colored my dad's wife and her daughter. It all turned out great. I also cut my dad's hair and beard which is always fun. :) In SF, I ended up cutting Allison's fringe into a straight across deal which was so cute. Then my old roomie Lisa's boyfriend had me cut his fringe then Lisa wanted hers cut. Her hair was super fun cuz she was way open to anything. Her hair was already pretty short and I know her style so I cropped it all down except the top and just made it all fun. It was rad. I made money off my dad and his fam but the sf ones were spontaneous and free. I also got to see my frined Kim who is doing the hair thing too, only through the apprentice program. She is doing so great and she looks amazing and she just rocks. I love that girl. All in all a very successful trip.

Being in SF was weird. I didn't get that feeling of awe when I came over the bay bridge. It was weird. I always got that feeling in the past. I felt way disconnected from the city. Al and I walked around the Mission a little and that helped a lot, actually, but it made me remember how much I liked SF. The people there are just different. The city is just different. I would consider going back, I think. Not now but maybe some day. Oh, and I got a fucking speeding ticket IN THE CITY! So annoying. They were just pulling people over on Park Presidio (main thoroughfare) and I got swooped into the net. Oh well. We'll see how much that costs. I haven't been pulled over since my DUI when I was 21.

Went on a good date last night. :) Nice boy. Cute. Gentlemanly. We'll see.

Off to go buy color for highlights I am doing later today. Whatever keeps me going. I am charging next to nothing but it's for family and it keeps me working. Oh and I got business cards! Woo hoo!

I did my final dr. appt to get all my preop stuff done - bloodwork and ekg and stuff. I keep feeling like they will find something wrong with me that will delay the surgery. I think I felt like this before my gastric bypass too, though. I never believe it is really gonna happen until I am in that room. Better to be prepared, right?

Yay Friday. :)

And Tuesday was a good day.

2007-08-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

I did the treadmill again this morning. I did 20 minutes again but at a higher elevation and a little faster at times. All good. Hopefully the same will happen tomorrow. Go me!

I am still off smoking - thank god for this surgery or it never would have happened.

I went for a job interview with Allen Pacheco today. He seems great and I would seriously consider the job if the Doves thing didn;t pan out. I have my second interview with them on September 24, by the way. I called and asked my doctor if he thought I would be ok, only 12 days out from surgery and they thought I would be fine since I am young and healthy.

This deserved its own paragraph, I thought. I started out this whole journey with a BMI of 50.5, which is Super Obese. I checked it again today and I am at 29.4. I am officially overweight! I am not obese of any kind anymore! I don;t mind being overweight at all. Fuck it. Just thought I would let y'all know that. :)

I heart smoking.

2007-08-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

But I still quit. I stopped last Thursday, August 16th, at 5:30pm. I am on the patch and think I am gonna step down to the 2nd stage this thursday. I am supposed to be nicotine free for 2 weeks before surgery so it'll have to be that way. I miss smoking. I really like smoking. It eases my mind and calms the nerves and gives me something to do when I have nothing else to do. I don't wanna crochet to replace it. I just wanna smoke. And eat. Ugh.

I got up and walked on the treadmill this am. I have almost done that a few times int he last week but today I really did. I only did 20 minutes but I got sweaty and I worked. So tomorrow I will do a little more. I really would like to lose 5 more pounds before surgery. I don't know if I can do it but I am sure as hell gonna try.

I have my preop appt on thursday at 1 so I'll let you know how it goes. I have an interview at some salon tomorrow afternoon that I probably won't work for but it is worht the effort. I have lunch plans today, meetings to go to, phone calls to make - I am very busy.I just need to keep getting my shit done and all will be well. I am assuming I will have to get a bunch of bloodwork done before surgery so that will fill up my time nicely in the next couple weeks. And I am going up north this weeknd to san jose to see my dad and to sf to see my lovely allison. I can't wait to give that girl a hug. It's been over a year now and it is weird wihtout her, although I feel like sh is always here. I will get to make some money doing my dad's wife' hair, and her daughter's highlights. I hope they know it costs some dough for that - their colors alone cost $40. I am thinking 60 for color, 80 for highlights and 40 for both cuts - that will be my discount. I have to give them a deal - it's my dad's fam. But I need the money and I am worht every penny - more, really. :)

Yay for things progressing!

Am I dreaming?

2007-08-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

I swear I must be because I never thought this day would come. I officially have a surgery date for my Lower Body Lift (LBL). On one of my favorite days of the year, both my sisters' bdays, I will be starting my new life. September 12, 2007 at 6:30 in the early this gets done. I will finally feel like I actually did this, you know? I will get to see what really is going on under all this skin. It's a good day for it - Moll and Les's bdays, early fall (my fave time of year) and it is erev rosh hashanah (the night before the Jewish New Year) so I get to start my next year totally new. I am so excited. My mo and Molly are both off work for the couple days after, too, so it works out well. I told Molly i owe her a bday this year. :)

I was waiting for insurance to clear some stuff but they would have made me go to another doctor and for the amount I am paying, the percentage they would have covered, if any, didn't make it worth it. I am also on a time frame - I need to be healed in time to really start working by October 1ish so mid-September had to be the time. This means that, if work allows and everything goes ok, I could do phase 2 by mid-december and be new again for the new year. If I could go into 2008 feeling better about my body under my clothes, I don't even know... I try and explain how it wiuld make me feel, and I try to think I even know how it is going to make me feel but I have no idea. People who have had it done talk about this freedom they feel. God, to not have to be so worried about my skin... to not feel it all the time. That will be nice.

So I quit smoking yesterday - I have the patch on right now and got up early cuz of the crazy dreams the patch makes me have. I started my regimen of vitamin c and iron yesterday also. I have my pre-op appointment on August 23rd at 1pm - that is next Thursday, I believe. At the appointment I get all my actual info. I pay them a huge chunk of money, too. Ugh. I booked my 2 nights post-op at Serenity, this aftercare facility I have to stay at for 2 nights instead of the actual hospital (you can come visit me there!!) where they monitor me and deal with meds and all that good stuff.

I can't wait to get all the drawings and stuff on me so I can see where stuff is gonna get removed and moved to. I have been looking at peoples' blogs and stuff online to see their processes and results and have even found a few who have similar bodies to mine and it is amazing. I mean, I am gonna wake up without all this yucky skin hanging. No more front butt!! People seem to get amazing results. I am not expecting perfection, just a new start. It will be like losing the weight all over again. For real.

Off to my day. I have really been enjoying writing in my blog again. Glad I am back. :)

Ok, one person still emailed me back.

2007-08-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

Fine. I got one person to email me back. And I got some reassurance from a friend. And I got up today and did my hair (which I am still not stoked on) and my makeup (a little better) and went and got waxed so I feel a bit more human. More like an attractive, female human, at least. It'll be a slow road, I am sure, but I will get my groove back.

Apparently, I am completely unattractive.

2007-08-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

I put up an ad on Craigslist yesterday. A simple w4m, straightfoward, just wanna meet somebody to hang with ad. Got a few good responses that were grammatically correct, more than one sentence, not written in all caps, and not including a picture of their naked parts. I wrote a couple of them back, put in some pics of me or a link to my myspace so they could check out all the different pics I have on there - usual stuff. Not one single response. They all just disappeared. Huh. I had no idea I was so ugly. Not the boost to my ego I was looking for, I have to admit. I kinda had this idea in my head that, sans all the weight, I am kinda cute. I was apparently wrong. I am the kinda girl that you are stoked about meeting until you see what she looks like and then you never email back. I think 8 guys chose that option over the last 24 hours.

My ad was clear - I have short hair, I am tattooed, I am not your average gal. I guess I should have written that I am not as cute as you want me to be. Or I want to be, I suppose. Maybe sitting around, unemployed, without makeup on for the last 6 weeks is having an effect on me - who knows. Maybe I am cute but I have bad pics right now. Maybe I look like a 45 year old saggy formerly fat lady with grandma hair. That's kinda how I feel, at least. Blech. I hate this. In the last 6 weeks I have had one date and it sucked. The guy was a jerk and obviously completely uninterested fromt he second he walked in the door. And now this. Needing some ego stroking please.

Maybe I will wake up less ugly tomorrow. Maybe my hair will grow really quickly and I will get my cuteness back. Right now, nothing is looking so great. I think today, even though I have nothing to do and am trying to find a reason to leave the house, I will do my hair in a new way to try and offset the desperate need for a haircut, and actually put on makeup. Even if it is just to go sit at starbucks and read my encyclopedia. I need somethin', people. This blows.

Being unemployed rocks.

2007-08-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

I went to palm springs by myself this week. My mom had booked a room but ended up moving this week so I took it for 2 nights. I had so much fun. I brought a bunch of books (I started my journey to read the encyclopedia, even if I did have to start with a 1978 version and the letter "I") and my computer and Buffy and had a blast. I went to the casinos a bit and won a bunch of money which i promptly lost. It's all good though. I came home with cash in hand. If you have never taken a vacation alone, I highly recommend it. I sat by the pool, swam, relaxed and just had some alone time. I was surprised how much i enjoyed it. And it was gorgeous in the desert. I was actually in La Quinta, at the La Quinta Resort. It butts up right against the mountains there and it was just gorgeous. Blue blue blue skies and red rock mountains. I didn't get any pics, sorry. But I am definitely gonna try to go again. It was beautiful.

My plastic surgery consult went great. My doctor was amazing. His name is Jay Orringer and he was my next door neighbor a million years ago. The second we started the exam, he opened my gown and just said "Yeah, this needed to be done yesterday." So he agreed I need to have surgery - it's not my imagination. He was really enthusiastic and took a ton of time checking me out and everything. It was a little odd being poked and prodded and stared at. He kept lifting skin and moving it around and squeezing bits and stuff. He measured me with calipers and weird devices. It was really odd standing there having someone look at all the bits of me that I am so disgusted with but knowing he would fix them helped.

Basically the plan is this: Lower Body Lift as soon as we can schedule it. I have to wait to hear if insurance will cover any of it and I also have to quit smoking for 4 weeks. I need to do that soon. A minimum of 3 months after that, he will do a breast lift and inner thigh lift. He is not going to do any implants, which I am very glad about. It will just be a lift. He is going to take tissue from my side, like next to my boob, and fold it in on itself to create fullness in my upper breast area. I should end up the same size as now, just in the right places and stuff. Inner thigh lift is pretty straightforward. Originally he vetoed doing my arms - the scars are really bad and almost never worth it. After he looked at mine, though, he agreed it was necessary. I don't just have saggy skin, I have wrinkled, dimpled, elephant skin on my arms. I hate it. I was willing to live with it if he really thought i should but my arms are really bad. So my arm surgery will be last in line, somewhere down the road. I am so excited about all fo this though.

Now for the scary part - the price. I had been looking at nationwide averages for ths stuff and figured it would be about $40k for everything. Not so much. The lower body lift is $22k alone. The breasts and thighs are $29k and I don't know what the arms will cost. Basically, this is my house. I am building my future in my body rather than property. I have thought about it a lot and I am ok with that. I am more than ok. I have been through so much to get to this point. I have worked damn hard and been through a lot - emotionally, mentally and obviously physically. I want this. I want to complete this process. This will make it real. This will make it all worth it. This will make my body complete. I can't run, I can't wear clothes that really fit me, I can't see the results of what I worked so hard to accomplish and that is demotivating. I want to see what is under all this skin. I want to be who I can be. Dr. Orringer couldn't stress enough how much this would change my life. I am so excited.

Other than that stuff, life is good. The apartment is coming together. Lesl was n town and she helped us do so much. I am really excited about this place. Moll and I have had fun and been doing well together. This seems like it is gonna work out great.

:)

Damn....

2007-07-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, I am exhausted. Like mentally, physically, emotionally just drained. So much has been happenign I have barely looked around to check in.

I got my cosmetology license. :) I am official. I have even worked a day at a friend's salon just to get my feet wet. It was interesting. I will keep working for her til I hear from the doves so I can earn some cash.

I moved! Molly and I are officially in our new, beautiful apartment. I love it here. I am attempting to arrange some stuff today. I did my clothes - that might be my big accomplishment for the day.

At 3pm today I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon. It's the same guy who did my mom's stuff (our old neighbor from growing up) and he idd a great job. I am only going to consult - I am not cleared by insurance yet or anythng. I just want to make this real. I want to know what to expect and what can actually be done. I know I am gonna leave there wanting to get it all done tomorrow, insurance be damned! But I have to wait and see if my insurance will cover some of it. I could stand to save a few thousand dollars, right? I know. Patience.

I had a blast this weekend at my friend Steve's bbq. I was having weird, overtired, sober antisocial feeling a lot of the time but I need to figure out how to just get past that shit. It's stupid and just ruins things for me. In the end I had a really good time and Jason made rockin' bbq and I sucked at poker. Shocking.

I am off to maybe unpack my bathroom. Send me good organizational thoughts, my friends. Not so much my strong suit, there.

I want this over!!

2007-07-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am taking my state board exam test tomorrow and I need it to be over. I am so nervous. I know I know the stuff but I can't seem to get out of this semi-catatonic state I seem to be on right now. I need to just let go of it all but I am worried abotu all the outside things that could go wrong. I could be late or get lost or my model could have some CADD (cut, abrasion, disease, or disorder) that I don't know about. I could just forget something totally stupid and fail cuz of that. I am just scared and need the anxiety to be done with. It's enough already. So tomorrow I will either be a licensed stylist or an utter failure. I love me some black and white-ness, you know,. so there it is.

The move is moving along. I am doing all my big stuff on sunday with actual movers so that will be a relief. I have been helping moll pack her stuff up and get it out of here. We'll do her big stuff at a later date. We have a few weeks til it all has to be done anyway. The apartment is beautiful though and we'll be having a poker night to initiate our new pad. I'll keep people informed as to when it will be.

Wish me luck on my test tomorrow. I need to be able to sleep again. This is getting old.

Crap, I am exhausted.

2007-07-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, I did it. I am done. I graduated. Holy shit. I am so glad it is over and, at the same time want to go back to school immediately. I am gonna miss it a lot. I really liked being able to bein that environment - learning new stuff every day and getting to really practice what I needed to. It will continue in my new job, wherever that ends up being. Having a year as an assistant means lots of continuing education so I am way looking forward to that.

I had my interview with The Doves on Monday and it all went well. They really answered my questions more than anything else. I had to hand in a 30 question interview thingy that I filled otu beforehand so they had all myinterview info (weaknesses, strengths, past work examples, etc.) so they answered my stuff. The salon opens in September but they will let us know in August and we will start working then. It will be Tuesday-Saturday, 10-6 for the most part. Minimum wage! No benefits but that isn't surprising. They just have this amazinf vision for a true team environment. They aren't looking for the uppity clientele - they want this to be an amazing salon where clients feel like they are part of the team, not like they are being waited on. That appeals to me so much. It is so much more my personality. They just seem like such good people and like they really want to create something different. I am really hoping this is the place for me. I will let you know what I hear.

Apartment news - I am moving in withmy sister Molly! We talked about it and realized it is somethng we would love to do if the space is right and we found one. I g sign the lease today and all is done. I am so excited. It's in West LA and it is beautiful. I think it's a good move.

I went way for a couple days post graduation with my mom. We went and hung at the Chumash Casino for a night and played nickel video poker. It was so much fun. We did spa treatments and gambled some more. Then we gambled some and ate. Then we gambled. Then we left. :) We wnt up to Pismo to stay with my aunt and uncle who have an RV. They bought a partial share in an RV park right on the beach that is so amazing. They get 45 days a year there and even more if they do off peak time. They are so cool. They just travel so much and have such a good time. I really like spending time with them - I wish I culd do it more. They have this whole 3 year plan. They are retiring next July then starting their journeys. They are doing a bike ride through Maine to see the fall foliage. Then they are doing an RV trip through Mexico with a group for 40 days or something. They are also travelling the country to go to every major league baseball park (my uncleis a huge baseball guy). They are gonna drive to alaska (my dream!). I might go up again before they take off at the end of the month. I also got to bond with their new Puggle puppy, Belle, and their fab chihuahua, Bean. We shared some special times. :) We did a beautiful 6 mile walk to Avila Beach. It felt so good to walk. It definitely remionded me that I would have hated it if I hadn't lost the weight. I would have been miserable. But instead, I was healthy and happy and loving it. I did get a crappy sunburn though. Stupid me.

I went back to Weight Watchers after, like, 3 months. Amazingly, I lost 1.6 pounds! I am back to being motivated. I think not being in school will help cuz I am not a slave to the vending machnes. No more crappy snacking. I want to get down 10 more by summer's end. Oh, and I have a doctor's appointment on the 20th to try and get what I need for insurance to cover surgery. We'll see what happens.

Off to a day of lease signing, old security deposit checking picking up, and general vegetation. I don't have to do much of anything over the next week except study for state board. Yay me!!!!

xxoo to y'all!

I didn't move!

2007-07-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

So, I am not moving into that amazing apartment. You know that whole too good to be true thing? It was. After 3 attempts to get my keys (Thursday night she forgot to call and ask me to come friday, then friday she was there but left my keys in her apartment so she said she would leave them in a drawer for me and leave the apartment open the next morning but when i arrived the next morning - the second official day of my lease - the apartment was locked and no one answered any of the numbers I repeatedly called until 40 minutes later. I finally got in at 12:45pm.) I got into the apartment and found it wasn't cleaned at all. The carpets weren't vacuumed, let alone steam cleaned, there were cobwebs everywhere, the kitchen drawers were so dirty there was actually weed left in there from the last tenant.

When I was talkign to hertrying to figure out what to do abotu it, the manager went balistic. I suggested I have someone come clean next week and I just deduct it from next month's rent and she started to scream abotu how she would lose her job if I did that and was that what I wanted. She accused both my mom and I of trying to ruin her life. She yelled about how she was sick and it wasn't her fault she couldn't get thngs doen in time. The last tenant moved otu the 21st - this was the 30th. The bathroom wall was patched with packing tape which I assured her was fine - they could fix that next week. No worries. I am easygoing girl, ya know? I have no problem with things that are no fault of yours. The workers do a crappy job repairing? Ok, maybe it takes soem time to get it done. No problem. But 8 days to vacuum?

Every apartment I have ever moved out of (I am counting 11 right now) I have had to steam clean the apartments or else the management company took the charge out of my deposit and did it themselves. That is how it works. This lady insisted, and I am serious that this is what she told me, that she had 2 people come smell the carpets (who does that??!!!) cuz she has no sense of smell, and they said it had been cleaned. Um, yeah. She also explained, abotu the dirty kitchen, that she can't see anything without her glasses so she hadn't noticed how filthy it was. Um. Put your glasses on, woman.

As I pointed out that the apartment was too dirty to move into she went into hysterics, I guess you could call it. She said she was gonna have a panic attack. She told my mom to shut up. She backed into a corner. She again insisted all we wanted was to ruin her life and get her fired. I just wanted to move into my apartment. There were supposed to be movers coming in 2 hours. That certainly wasn't gonna happen. After she insisted she couldn't talk to my mother but she felt she could talk to me (freak.) she again asked how we could solve the problem. She said she would go get a steam cleaner now and I pointed out it wouldn't help cuz the carpets would be wet when the movers came. She first freaked on me again then later said that people did that all the time and we could leave my stuff out on the sun porch til the carpets dried. I am not moving my shit onto a sunporch that won't even hold my fucking couch. I suggested we just call that weekend off, I eat the cost of my movers, and we reset my movein date to the following Saturday. She screamed that she would get fired and her boss couldn't find out about this. She said she would clean - again. Mind you, my lease is already 36 hours in and I have a filthy apartment that can't be moved into. No f'ing way am I just gonna trust her to have the place clean and come back with a moving van full of stuff. Uh uh.

Picture 10 more minutes of panicking, yelling, accusing, going off about how she had, even in her horrible illness, tried to help someone else out and she got screwed for it (I don't even know what that means). She went off about healthcare and how this country just throws away sick people like trash. She yelled about having no money to buy food. She told me how she would lose her job and be out on the street if her boss found out about this. She talked about having a nervouse breakdown. She accused us of conspiring to ruin everything for her and that being our primary purpose that day. It went on for a while. It was really astonishing. She finally decided she needed to go get her boyfriend because he would be calm. And how is he even involved in this? By the time he got there, we had called my stepdad, a lawyer, who said to just get out of there. We took some pics of the mess and got our stuff to leave. The boyfriend came up to talk to us and I told him how the lady has totally freaked out on me. His response? "Yeah, she freaks out on me sometimes too." Um... I am not her fucking boyfriend!!!! I am a brand new tenant. I thanked him for his helpfulness and kindness, left my keys with him, and let him know I would be contacting the property manager monday to arrange getting out of the lease.

Yep. That was Neely's move-in extravaganza. So insane. My mom and I spent the rest fo the day apartment hunting and we found some good stuff. I applied for a place this morning so hopefully that will pan out. Who knows? At this point, I am ok. I have a place to live. I have my stuff in storage. The movers were the nicest folks ever and didn't charge me. If you need a mover, call them. They are Starving Artists Movers. I spoke with Celestin Cornielle and his email is celestinonline@msn.com. I will use them for my move when it happens. I am sure I will end up with a better place out of this, all in all. And hopefully i will live closer to what I hope will be my place of future employment with The Doves in Santa Monica. I will keep you all up to date.

Fucking A that was ridiculous.

A long needed update (don't worry, I am happy!)

2007-06-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, it has been too long. I have some info to convey and some news to share.

I graduate from Vidal Sassoon Academy 2 weeks from Friday. After 10 long months of ups and downs, I am finally there. I love what I am doing more than I ever imagined and I really feel I have gained the confidence to go out and work in this field. I will now move on into an assistanship position at a salon over the next year or so. I will be living on tips and minimum wage but I am so lucky and so grateful to have people in my life that are supporting me through this. I have applied and been granted a preliminary interview with The Doves. Sonya and Christopher Dove are the US Creative Directors for Wella International, a major company in the hairstyling world. After running a London salon for 13 years and working extensively with Wella, they have decided to open a salon in Santa Monica, on Main Street. They came to Sassoon on Monday morning and spoke to our class about the salon and what they are looking for in terms of associates (they don't call them assistants) and I was awestruck. They're devotion to their craft and their excitement at what they want to create was just crazy. I was seriously giddy after we met with them. I came home that night and filled out the pre-ap on their website. I am totally overwhelmed with this and can't wait for the chance to meet with them. They did include an incredibly intimidating 30 question interview packet that I have to fill out before I meet with them. I have homework to do! :) I am so fucking excited. These people are major stars in the industry. This is like getting a meeting with Spielberg. I am freaking out. In a very good way. :)

Other great news? I just signed a lease on my very own apartment! I will be living in a studio in Palms. My very own space again. I am so excited. I feel like I am getting my life back. Although I have loved getting to spend this time living with my mom, I am ready to sleep in my own bed. I haven't even touched my own stuff in almost a year. I will tell you more once I move in. I promise I will keep you updated.

I have 150 days sober today. I am working with this amazing new sponsor who I just love. She is so fun and so smart and supportive. I am way lucky to have found her. I am really looking forward to working with her.

What else? I am happy right now. Some days I am not so good but right now, I am happy. My weight is not doing much lately but I need to get back on track with weight watchers. I also need to work on getting with my doctors to get my insurance company to approve my meeting with a plastic surgeon. I did try to get a referral but was promptly denied so I have a ways to go. Wish me luck.

I am off to bed. I have my last late day at school tomorrow. Ack! I have loved all the things I have gotten to learn and I can't wait to to keep on learnng - hopefully with the Doves. :)

friday the 13th ain't so bad.

2007-04-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Ya know, today is supposed to be so unlucky but fuck that. Things are going ok, I must say.

What's to tell?

I have 83 days sober today and I am really doing great with it. I am working on my steps and going to at least 6 meetings a week and finding a new social circle and meeting amazing people. I am feeling really lucky right now. I am working on doing my personal inventory (like all the bad shit i have done and stuff like that) and it is fucking hard but it is also really good for me to be writing about. We all need to be honest with ourselves.

I am down almost 13 pounds in the 3 months I have been doing Weight Watchers.. I am feeling good and am down to a size 12 pants and size large shirt. It feels so good to know I am down to this. I know I still have some to go but it is here. I am at 168 right now. I need to start looking into doctor consultations for my plastic surgery. I can't wait for my new body.

I love doing hair. I am obsessed with it. I love color, I love cutting, I love every moment of it and am so glad I get to do this forever. I get giddy just thinking about it. I posted some pics of stuff I have done, both cut and color. Hope you enjoy. :)

I have added some new adornments to my body - a beautiful piece on my forearm and a really pretty set of barbells on the nape of my neck. I love both and do not regret either for even a moment. I also chopped my hair off and am LOVING that. I know - it's alot of change in a very short time but I am letting go of the fear and just doing stuff. My hair will grow, piercings come out and my stars? They will be with me forever. I love them. I also included some pics for you of those.

What else? Single life is ok. It has been over a month since I spoke with Jason and I asked for that. I needed time to get past some crap and am hoping this time apart has done that. We'll know soon, I guess. This has been so hard but I am finding being single really nice right now. I have almost no time in my life outside of school and aa and social stuff so it is better for me anyway. Some days I don't feel so strong about it but right now, it's ok.

Enjoy the latest pics of me and my work and my decorations. Love to all y'all. :)

news

2007-03-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

so i know it's been a long time but i have been trying to fix some things in my life. it has been working out ok and not ok, depending on how you look at it. let's start with the good stuff:

Today I have 46 days of sobriety. again. i woke up January 24th and realized I was miserable and needed to do something about it. i had been drinking again for a couple months and it was not doing anything good for me and i was so unhappy and couldn't figure out why. this trip around has been absolutely amazing. i have made some incredible friends and have been getting really involved. i have commitments at 2 meetings every week (I have to greet people when they come in so i am forced to intro my self to people and stuff) and i have been getting to meetings every day, except the last 2 saturdays due to plans with family. i am happier than i was and am working towards a better life. i need this. aa helps me function and live my life the way i would like ti to be. i get to learn how to deal with everyday shit that overwhelms me. we all know i am a bit off kilter. i need help and this helps me. i am much happier in myu new sobriety. wish me luck.

i am going to weight watchers. i have been slowly gaining weight back and needed to get things under control. since mid january i haave lost about 10 pounds. i am back in my size 12 pants and can pretty much rock a size large shirt. it is awesome. i am feeling better and am so happy to see the scales going down again. phew. that was scary. i am gonna make an appointment to get a referral to a plastic surgeon soon for a consult. i just want to know what i have to look forward to. i want to know procedures, cost, healing time, etc. i am planning to try and get in for some plastics after i graduate school in the beginning of july. i would love to be able to start my new life with the body i have under all of this skin. I know I will probably need my tummy done, my boobs lifted, my thighs lifted and, if i am brave, my arms. i will keep you posted.

School is going so incredibly well. I love every moment of every day I am there. I have been doing really cool color work and some really great cuts too. I have cut and coloredd my mom's hair now and i cut molly's too. they both look great. i never knew i would love doing this so much. i have no doubt i made the best decision of my life.

Now ontothe not so good news. Jason and I broke up. It's a long, sordid tale but we aren't together anymore. it is sad and disappointing and anger-causing and a million other things, but it is for the best. neither of us has time for this right now anyway. he has 2 jobs and life to deal with and i have school and sobriety. i hope we can find a frinedly place to land in all of this. it hasn't been easy but everything happens for a reason. it was a wonderful year we had together. i am not in the most loving place about it all but i don't wann abash him with things i will just be taking back in the coming months so i will leave things at that. but just an fyi for y'all. i am single again.

i am off to enjoy a beautiful sunny santa monica sunday. i missed my meeting on the beach i go to every sunday am cuz of a late night and the time change but i am gonna try to get to a 12:30 instead. wish me luck. i will try to update more often and keep y'all up to date on the world according to me. it's a weird one.

fine. i will cheer up. a little.

2007-01-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

look, shit has been bad, ok? i tend to get pretty overwhelmed by a sudden avalanche of shit rainging down on me. I think we all know me well enough to know that. I am at a new place. I am dealing with the shit, or at least attemtpting to. I go to weight watchers in like 20 minutes to see how this week went. we'll see. i talked to jason about some things i have been feeling and we'll see how that goes. i got the check from the insurance company for my car and they are supposed to tow it away today. my laundry is clean, there is food in the firdge and i have a computer with a wireless internet connection. i will try to shut the fuck up about the bad shit for a while. i get dark sometimes. it's just who i am.

hit and run

2007-01-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

they hit me. they ran. the cops caught them. my car don't move no more. good times.
at least i had my camera with me, right? this sucks.

This sucks

2007-01-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

I got rear ended in my car on saturday night and the other driver ran. Jason and I are fine, my car is not. The cops caught whoever it was - they had no license - and I am dealing with their insurance and my now-undrivable car. This si gonna be fun.

I weighed in for the first time at weight watchers this am. I gained a pound and a half. Yay.

I am a fuck up and lie about shit I don't need to lie about and end up ruining one of the best things in my life. I rock.

2007 is in the running for worst year ever and I am only half a month into it. So much for the whole turnaround thing I had going on. Fuck this shit.

2007

2007-01-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

Happy new year everyone. Let's hope I find myself with as much motivation as I had at this time last year. I'll dig it up from somewhere.

And happy 31st bday to ari on 12/30/06. Fucker woulda been 31. Someone who never knew him asked, just out of wanting to know more, "was he really that special?" Yeah. He was.

i am a lazy blogger

2006-12-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

well, i am a lot more than that, but that is all i can think right now. It has been almost 3 months since I last wrote and that is fucked up. I am trudging on with my life but I am just kind fo floating through it. I get up. I go to school. I see people. Sometimes I don't. I always have coffee. That is my constant. I am wearing the patch to quit smoking again. I slowly failed at my last attempt and am taking it seriously again. I am not wearing one now cuz I am sitting on my sister's couch right now, sick as fuck, so I forgot to put one on. I am wishing I had one on right now.

I missed my one year anniversary fo my surgery. I probably was trying to ignore it because of how unsuccessful I am feeling as of late. I have formed new patterns since surgery. I have lost about 100 pounds but I am still leading the same life I did before, I just can't ingest as much food at any given time. That depresses me. I wanted so badly for this to be a new beginning. Maybe I tried to fix other parts of my life before the food. Maybe I assumed the surgery would take care of itself, cantrary to everything else I read about it before I had it fdone. I am the queen of denial. Whatever. Maybe I will find motivationin the new year. I sure has hell haven't stumbled upon it anywhere around here.

I am trying to make some decisions when it comes to what I deserve and need from the world and myself and the people I surround myself with. It's hard when you find something that contains everything you have every looked for except for that one crucial element that sometimes means more than everything else put together. Yeah. It's kind of the story of my life when shit like that happens to me. I just want to find one area where I get to have it all. I want one place where I don't have to try so fucking hard to make something happen. I want one little part of my life to just be easy. I guess it doesn't work like that.

My new sobriety date is the day that would have been my 6 month mark. December 8, 2006. I broke my sobriety cuz I was going through the whole "maybe I can drink" thing. I can, I just drink too much still. I dunno. I don't know if how I feel right now is because I have given up aa and stuff. I was definitely happier when I went. I just can't seem to find the time or energy or whatever to go in this town. i don't want to go with people i know. i don't want to go to meetings that people are all excited for me to go to. I don't work like that. I need to find things that are my own. I just need to go look for them. I'll stay depressed and whatever-y for now, I suppose. I will fix things soon.

Holidays were fine, nothing eventful. Did hannukah with the fam - no sisters or parents, they were out of town. Did xmas with jason's family. They are all great. It is so weird - J's dad and I have the most opposing political views ever, I do believe, but I just enjoy talking to him so much. Same with his wife. They are just from another world than me and where I grew up and everything but they are just awesome. J's mom is so sweet too. That's a good fam there.

I kind of unintentionally threw down the gauntlet with J. For some reason, I needed to know where we are going with all of this. I have never needed to know that before. I guess maybe it is a sign that he is forever guy potential. we are only 9 months out or so and I am already asking this? I dunno. I get emotional during the holidays. I also tewnd to ruin things. I have been totally fucked by the movies. I expect things to be a certain way, I think, and I get my hopes up so much and then I get all upset when I try so hard to meet those standards (which are completely unrealistic) and the other person in the relationship doesn't. I did it with eric and now i am doing that with jason. I try so hard to recognize my flaws and past patterns and try and change them and I just don't get them all sometimes. I am not perfect. I hate that. So yeah. I guess we will see what happens. Things will move in one direction or another. They have to. There is some scientist-y law abotu that.

Off to my dayquil/nyquil excitement. Ugh. I hate being sick. Happy new year to everyone out there (If anyone even still checks this) and I hope you all are looking forward to all that is to come.

Begin anew

2006-12-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have neglected pretty much everything - my blog, my health, my friends, my finances, my needs, myself. Well, fuck that shit. I am starting it all over. I am up this morning waiting to go walking for a friend. I am wearing my patch to not smoke. I made my own coffee so it is free. I am not drinking I am striving toward healthy food and I am looking forward to more relaxation and attendance to my needs and wants. I will express what I want and need in life. I will do what I have to to stay healthy and happy and focused in this journey. It isn't easy. It takes a lot of work to do more than just exist. It takes constant work and I want to do it. Don't take my silence as a sign of absence right now - I am just concentrating really hard. I am going to go exercise now.

Happy Birthday to me.

2006-10-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

OK, I know I have been massively MIA and I am so sorry. I have been wrapped up inthis insane school schedule, coupled with life, three-wayed with not really having real internet access, and poof! Disappearing Neely! I will try to fill y'all in on some summation type basis:

Today I am 30. 30 years old. Trente anos. That shit is fucked up. I am doing ok and am feeling like mytransitions have all been coming along over the last year so maybe this is a bit anticlimatic. No more drinkin', no more crazy fatness, no more dead end job, no more pathless life. It's all still going forward. I am loving it. I was lucky enough to get the surprise of my whole family here for mybday - Buddy got my dad and Les here. It was the greatest gift ever to have both my parents and bothm y sisters here for this. I am really lucky. I had a great bbq, courtesy of mom, and a great time, courtesy of a ton pf people. I can't do a real link cuz somethin' ain't working but here's a link to pics: http://www1.snapfish.com/share/p=38921159830388027/l=212825114/g=11186012/otsc=SYE/otsi=SALB

I quit smoking today. It's ok so far. Wish me luck.

I am in my 5th week at Vidal and it is insane. The first 4 weeks were all Vidal haircutting. It was amazing. I had great teachers and I have already done 3 cuts on my mannequin heads. We are now in State Board prep class. It is dullsville. But it is everything we will need to know to get our licenses at the end of this. I am so glad now that I went to vidal instead of SMC. This is an amazing education that I really wouldn't be getting anywhere else. Thanks, Mom.

I made a friend at school named Lauren. :) I really like her alot. She is good peeps. We're soulmates cuz our pens died atthe same time. Just joking. Sorta. ;)

Things have been so great living in the same general area as Jason. We only get to see eachother ont he weekends but even that is such a better thing. He is really such a great guy - so funny and so smart and so honest. I ddon't wanna ruin his rep with his boys but it is really nice to have someone who is so open about how he feels. I am usually the one who gets all "typical guy", offering solutions when he just wants support, trying to fix everything, etc. I have some communication skills to work on. This is what a relationship builds from, though, and I really like what we're building. :)

I miss my sf friends so much. I even miss connie. Quite a bit, actually. I might need to try to get a weekend trip goin'. We'll see. Allison is settled in NJ and in school and we so don't get tot alk enough at all. I miss that girl with a fiery passion. Damn.

Weight loss is slow and I expect it to be even slower with me quitting smoking. I need to get onthe exercise train (how many times have you heard me swear to that??) but I need to find some time for it. I need to budget my time better, it hink. School is just so long and I have found I keep haing things to do nt he weeknights. Ack!!!

Well, that is me right now in a brief synopsis. Not funny, not lengthy, not much. But it is something.

Ooh la la...

2006-08-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

So I went over to Vidal today for my interview/aptitude test/tour. It was odd but exciting. The ladyI was supposed to interview with was out. Lame. She apparentlybroke her wrist but will be back to morrow so I will go over there then. All good. OK, the aptitude test was weird. It had the expected synonymns section and math problems but there was this section where they woul dlist 4 things you could do and you had to pick which one you would like to most do, assu,ing you could do it. There were things like this:

a. Start a program to eliminate juvenile delinquincy
b. help an underprivileged family budget their lives
c. Design a new plastic container
d. teach a class

Ok. Weird. Obvious a sa motherfucker but weird. I almost felt like I waas gonna get penalized for not being shallow enough. They asked if youliked to read and if so, books or magazines. I answered yes and mostly books. You then had to listgt he magazines you read. Um... People? Us? Time? No. Don;'t write Time. Cosmo? I was scared I might be too cerebral for this, which is a laugh. Oh well. We'll see. It's not like they wanna give back my already paid tuition. I probably could have answered I only read Mother Jones and I still would have been accepted.

Weirdcest part fo the test was the color/shape section. You had to recognize which shapes were the original shape, just turned around. Not bad. But there were questions like "which color would make an overweight person appear slimmer?" and "Which of thesse patterns should you wear if you have a large bottom?" I was like, um.... yer gonna look fat regardless. No color every made me look skinny. I am sure I got thast whole section wrong.

All in all it was a successful day. I am going at 3 to go see David Boreanaz, my beloved Angel, on the Craig Ferguson show. Yee haw. And I have a cut and color appointment at Vidal after my interview tomorrow, now. So cool. I hope they don;t fuck it up. I think I am going to be sitting in front of a classroom. Lol. I am gonna have to do it to someone else someday so I might as well know how they feel. AND the wonderful girl atthe counter is not charging me. She told me not to tell anyone but no one reads this thing anyway, right? :)

Enjoy my newfound enthusiasm, people. I am hoping it lasts. I am feeling balanced and calm and also excited for things to come. But I am not ignoring the moment though. There are no ordinary moments. You have to enjoy every god damned one of them.
xoxo

I am home.

2006-08-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

We did it. Somehow we managed to get everything I own into the truck and get me down here. OK. Let me be fair. jason managed to get everything I own intot he truck and move me down here. I basically drove and did as told. Those were my parts. I did really well at those though!!

Jason was seriously crucial to this move. You should see the spacial skills that man has. He definitely rivaled my dad. It was awe inspiring. There was some stuff I just couldn;t lift, like the giant tv mentioned in my last blog entry that STILL DIDN;T SELL!! Jason managed, withthe help of a piece of cardboard, a pillow, and my very minor assistance, to move the tv out of the living room in my house, downthe stairs, downt he outside cement stairs and down the sidewalk and into the truck. Dude. It was incredible. Motherfucker's like Macguyver! We got it all packed up pn Friday with Beth and Kim's help and were able to settle in for chinese food and the last of my dvr'd tv. So sad.

Saturday am we got up, had breakfast at Just For You and were on the road by 9:15. We were totally on schedule. We rocked out the drive in abotu 6 hours and met up at Shag's house with all of J's friends - these guys are amazing. Seriously. They unloaded that piggity-packed truck in, like, 20 minutes. They are a machine. A well oiled machine. We hung out saturday night and ate pizza and played poker and stuff. I had a mild outbreak of overtiredness which Jason handled beautifully. He is a fucking catch. Damn.

Sunday was a chill day for the most part thatinvolved coffee, breakfast, kung fu and dinner at J's dad's house. It waas fun to meet his dad and his wife. They are great people and I had a great time. I was invited back whenever I like - even without Jason. :)

I am now sitting at my mom's desk typing this until we get the wifi sitch up and running. So far today I have unpacked most of my clothes. I am about to start on the bathroom stuff. My mom made me the nicest room ever. Les was here this weekend and they went to Ikea and got a new dresser for me and rearranged the room and made it all so nice. I feel so happy and so lucky to be able to be here. Such a blessing...

There is nothing wrong with my tv...

2006-08-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

So why won't anyone buy it? I have this great huge TV that is going for a very reasonable price and all I get are flakey folk who either don't show, change their minds a million times, or just never call back. Ugh. I have dealt with some serious flakes in my CL adventures. Yesterday I had a guy call who wanted all my free stuff I had listed. This was at 11am. I finally called him at 3 and he said he was on his way but stuck in traffic. At 4:30 or so I get a call from him that he had been in a "fender bender" and had to go cuz the police had just gotten there. Um, ok... He never showed. Luckily some freako dude showed up this am after I relisted everything and took it all away. Now all I have left is this TV. This massive TV that I don't want to move. I tried to lift it yesterday to get rid of the table it sat on and realized I am so not as strong as I used to be. It was a scary realization. I lost a lot of muscle in this last year - that is so obvious now. It really freaked me out.

What else? End of work was great. I got a goodbye lunch that wasn't very ceremonial at all. But whatev. I did get a $200 gift certificate to Burke Williams Spa so that rocked. And Connie was so cute and se gave me a starbucks gift card for every day of the week so I can stay caffeinated throughout my school day. We had a great goodbye full of hugs and love and niceties. When she and I are good, we're great. Too bad they still haven't hired anyone...

Packing has been ok. I am at that awful point where I just have random shit left and I am ending up with boxes with some pretty strage combinations. Sheets, a scale, cds and a fork? Sure, those go together. As long as it's packed, at this point...

J gets here tomorrow and we'll pack the truck, have some last minute SF fun and then drive down on Saturday. We have helpers on the other end (Thanks guys!!) and then, done. Phew.

This is it til I am settled, kids. Wish me luck. Here goes nothin'....

a little over 1 year, a little under 100...

2006-08-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I am just gonna call it a hundred, people. Yesterday am I weighed in at 185.6 pounds - putting me at a 99.4 pound loss over the last year. I believe my first appointment with my surgeon was August 4th of last year so I am really right there in terms of coinciding. A hundred pounds in a year. Wow.

Over the last year I have discovered a lot of stuff. I am a total food addict. I knew this before but in seeing how hard I have, at times, seen myself try to slip back into my old ways I now know it for a fact. I need to stay constantly aware of how I am treating my body. I am long past the miracle phase of this surgery and its aftermath. I need to exercise. I need to eat meals, not snacks. I need to stay busy but not so busy I don;t eat properly. I need to stay up on my protein so my muscles andbones stay healthy. I need to keep taking vitamins and calcium so I can be sure to supplement the malnutrition that comes along with this surgery. I can;t risk goingthrough this to get healthy and in turn make myself fall apart. Never forget that - even when it seems like everything is fine. You can;t see things on that level in yourself. You can be eating away your insides and not even know it until it's too late.

I got sober this year. I gave up food and embraced alcohol in a way I never had. This apprently happens to aa lot of people, especially women, after gastric bypass. For some reason, you can drink more wihtout getting that woozy sick-drunk that comes before the surgery. I have 61 days today without a drink or any sort of drug (except nicotine and caffeine). It's been really, really hard. It has made me insane at times and made me utterly peaceful at others. It has brought on some serious snacking and also made me think about my food addiction. I am very proud of myself and the choice I have made to get control over this. I do get some people not understanding what I am doing or why I need to. Yes,this is a lifelong change. This isn't somethng I am doing so I can go back to drinking "normally" again. I can;t drink or use drugs normally. Hell, I can;t even drink coffee normally. Once I get that good feeling, I always just want more. It's who I am. I see that and I want that not to be a part of my chaos. I want a little more serenity in my life, please. I want my alcoholic mind to shut the fuck up sometimes so I can hear what's going on around me. I am working my ass off to get that so that I can have a successful, happy life. I want this. I will do whatever I can to find this.

I made the decision to stop standing still and letting time pass by. I decided to be proactive and get mys shit together and create a future for myself. I am ricking my comfort in my cushy nondemanding job so that I can branch out and make something of myself. I am thrilled. I could never have done this woithout the weight loss. I never would have been comfortable with the idea of being on my feet all day at work. I wouldn;t feel ok with looking good enough (whatever that means to me) to be in the beauty industry. I needed to get to a space I was comfortabl ein with myself and how I look so I could help other people do the same. I am excited t learn new skills. I am excited to delve deeper into skilld I have developed on my own. I get to play with my look and be adventurous in my style. I can be whoever I want to be on any given day and I can't wait for that. I get to learn all sorts fo stuff that I get to make moeny doing but really enjoy the hell out of at the same time. I never thougth that was even an option. Crazy....

There has been so much more that has gone on in the last year but I am at a loss to explain it all now. Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful and supportive. I don;t knwo where I would be without the urging of some, the backing off of others, and the love that all of it brought to me and what I have been through. I am still Neely, even in all of these changes. Parts of me that lay dormant for so long finally get to come out again, some for the first tme. Parts of me that were out there, shielding the real me, are being laid to rest - hopefully forever. I am still totally crazy - that will always be there. :) I just hope that it stays a positive crazy. My quirks are charming right? They are what make me me. And besides, I am so damn cute and lovable, how could you resist me?? :)

I like cream cheese.

2006-08-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

My whole life I have hated cream cheese. Blech. Yuck. I was always the weirdo who had to ask for butter at the brunch. Well guess what? I like cream cheese now!! When Al and I had our garage-less garage sale a few weeks ago, i went and got her a bagel and cream cheese at our weird, only open for 12 minutes every other day but sunday neighborhood coffee shop. I was starving so I asked for a bite and, guess what? I f'ing loved it. So weird. This has continued. I can only eat a half a bagel ata time anyway but i have managed that on a couple different occassions. Bests o far was from Noah's last weekend. Yum.

Other news. I am addicted to online poker. Not the kind that involves real money - don;t worry. I figured a game is a safe transferrance, right? As long as I don't follow it into the money realm. I do keep getting caught playing by my boss. But I am getting my work done so screw it. Whatever. I love poker. I suck at it in real life but damn do I enjoy it online.

I am moving 2 weeks from tomorrow. Holy shit. I am so not prepared. Molly is coming up this weekend to help me get packed and stuff - thank god!! I am sure I will feel better once everything is started. I am just kinda freaking out this very moment. I am not freaking out. I shouldn;t use those words. Just aware of the fact that time is getting short. I will be fine. All will be well.

I will have 60 days sober on Saturday. Yay me. Moll will be here to see me get my chip. Hee hee. I am excited. I am doing ok with it all. I am kinda stalled on my steps cuz my sponsor has been mega busy but it's going ok. I will be starting my 4th step when I move down. That's a doozy but it will be good to be working on something during my transition. I am pretty good at making lists of what I hate about myself. I shouldn;t get such a sick pleasure out of it but I do, a little. No way as much as I would have before. That is actually a really big relief.

We still haven't hired my replacement at work. Connie will never find anyone she likes. Out of a stack of resumes 2 inches thick, she pulled one. One. My last day is a week form tuesday. She might want to get on it. All I can do is do my best to leave things in an organized way. Then I am gone. Sorry, Charlie.

To sum up: I like cream cheese and poker. I need to pack. My work needs to hire a new me. I am sober. I feel the need to apologize to someone named Charlie.

3 years? ugh.

2006-07-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 3 year anniversary at this here job. That is fucked up. I found this job randomly on craigslist and I can't believe I am still here.

I have gone through some crazy shit while working here. My realtionship with Eric bloomed then withered. I lost my Ari. I lost Jon. I have been at my heaviest weight in my life and my lowest in years. I made a major life decision to go to school for something I love. I have been sober for 49 days today. I met a really great guy. I have really tried to work on myself, both in strengths and weakness. I feel like I have taken action to move ahead in my life and actually make somethng of it. I feel good about that.

Now I just need to sit back and let things happen. That is somethng I am working on too. It takes constant attention and awareness but I try. All I can do is try. Here's a little something I read this morning that I really liked:

"To live fully and creatively, to contribute what is only ours to give, requires that we be receptive, wholly, to the reverberations of each present moment. Even anticipation of what may transpire next can prejudice our minds, our level of awareness. Preconceptions cloud our senses. They prevent the actual situation from being fully realized. And it is only in the now, as sensed moment by moment, that we find our cues to proceed along the path chosen for us."

That is how I am trying to live my life. It is so hard. But I have a lot of help. Thanks.

Things get better

2006-07-14T15:48:00.001-07:00

Not sure why or how it happened but I am feeling quite back to normal today. I do have a raging headache that I woke up with but all in all, I am feeling a part of this great energy that is the universe. I talked out some things I was feeling, I concentrated on letting go, I tried to look past all the little things and just do what I need to do. It worked. I really think it worked. Huh.

Tonight I shall go to a meeting, put up garage sale posters (garage sale tomorrow 9-3 at my place!) and maybe watch some kung fu. I won't wallow, I won't drink, I will try my damndest not to consume a small country's worth of snacks. I will continue smoking though and don't care a wee bit about it for now. It's all I got left. I have smoking and I have crystal light. I am a wild child. Oh shit, i almost forgot aboutmy precious caffeine. How could I ever forget about that?? Oh caffeine, how I love you. Desperately. Like I used to love cake. Liek I still love cake but without the mind numbing, bone crushing nausea that follows eating a piece of it. (writer sips coffee.)

On to my weekend. Gonna dilly dally here at the office for a while longer then head out to sip more coffee, read my book, and perhaps do some stepwork. Yee haw. Then I will go to my meeting, feel good about myself and retire to my quarters - after a traumatizing stint on the 22 Fillmore bus - to watch Kung Fu and talk to Jason. That's alovely Friday night. Tomorrow's garage sale starts at 9 and we have a lot fo shit to shlep downstairs. Ugh. My back is already killing me for no good reason. Oh well. I will try to make it through. There's always coffee and redbull to help me out.

Gratitude, Fear and Determination

2006-07-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

So here I sit at 188 pounds. Well, that is a lie. This morning I was at 189. I feel liek I am never going to get any smaller. I feel like I have hit the point where my body is starting to rebel and give me the finger and say, "You aren;t going to succeed at this so you should just stop." I know it's not that easy - my body, if treated the way it should be, won;t just stop. My mind, however, can grind this whole thing to a halt. I can fail. I can fail if I make myself fail. I am scared I am doing just that.

When I lost weight on Phen Fen at age 21, I got down to 147. I had all these grand dreams of plastic surgery and tummy tucks and breast lifts and blah blah blah. Instead, I spent the next however many years slowly, then quite rapidly, gaining the weight back plus about 80 pounds more. I didn;t make it. I was so determined and I thought I finally saw the end in sight and I blew it. I am terrified of doing that again. I am scared that I will never get to the point of actually getting to have plastic surgery. I will never get to have the body I want or feel the way that I want. I won't get to wear a tank top without a bra or go jogging or wear the size I should really wear. I will always have this loose skin just hanging on me. I can't seem to get past feeling like that. I can't get past that fear.

I want so much to just be normal. I want to reach that goal I have been striving for. I want to look like everyone else and feel like everyone else does. Then I start thinking about how far I have to go - 50 pounds - and how much it will cost to get there - altogether, my surgery will probably end up to be upwards of $40k - and it all seems unattainable. How do I convince myself that that is doable? How do I just accept that it will somehow work out? I just have to. I just have to be ok with what is happening today and accept that there is some plan being worked on for me. yeah, I need to work on believing that.

Ok, now the gratitude. Everything is falling into place for me. I am working on my app for Vidal Sassoon. I am writing my autobiography while I write this blog. I need to write a letter of reference for someone to sign for me (I hate doing that.) I need to shrink some pics and send them to the application lady. That is all moving along. My mom... my wonderful mom... has offered me the use of her spare room while I am in school - at least part of the time. Did I mention she offered it rent free? Did I mention she lives 3 blocks from the school in beautiful Santa Monica? She si amazing. She is just this amazing woman who can swoop in and offer things that literally make me feel lighter in this whole thing. I am so thankful for her and everything she does for me. I am a very lucky kid. She is also working with me to deal with my tuition - not pay for it all, mind you, but help me figure it out so that I can do it. Again, I feel parented and that is somethng I really need going into this right now. It is helpful yet not smothering; supportive but totally allowing me my independence. I don;t know how she does it. She is pretty amazing.

I gave notice at work and it went so well. Connie was an angel. She was sad I am leaving but so proud that i am moving forward to do something so rewarding. She sent out a great email to the staff about me. Here it is:

Some good news and some bad news…….
The good news is that in about a year, we will all be able to get free haircuts from Neely.
The bad news is that we’ll have to travel to LA to get them.
On August 15, Neely is beginning a new journey that will bring her back to the LA area, where she will be reunited with her family and where she will begin training at the Vidal Sassoon Academy. It’s an exciting decision at an exciting moment for Neely – you just can’t keep from being so happy for her.
There is no doubt -- I will miss her enormously and am not quite sure how I’ll survive without her!!!!!
Neely has been with the Museum for three years – and she has weathered and helped lead us through many challenges…..and we will always be grateful for many contributions – but especially her spirit, her energy, her humor, her intelligence, her care, her thoughtfulness, and her love of popular culture!!!!!
Please join me in thanking neely (we’ll have a proper send-off in august)…..and please join me in wishing her well……
At least we have her for another 4 weeks!!!!
Here’s to Neely!!!!!!!!!!!!

So nice, that Connie can be. Now I just need to find my replacement and get all my shit together before I leave. Good times.

Determination. Where do I find it? I just need to keep working. I need to recognize the bad shit and not do it. If I need help, I have to ask for it. If I feel bad, I have to tell someone. If I am hurt, I need to say something. If something is wrong, I need to be honest about it. Sounds easy but it is hard and takes effort. I am willing to put in the effort though - this all seems pretty fucking worth it.

If you had my surgery, please read this - a much needed update and admission.

2006-07-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

Things have been hectic but great. I just haven't found a place to update in a while - I am sorry. So, here is my deal:

Weight/Food/etc.:
I am down to 188.8 as of this morning. Only 3.8 more to go and I am down 100 pounds since I started this whole thing. It is slow going as of late. I have been having some issues. I am snacking a lot. I think I have fallen into believing in the "magic" of the surgery. This is a bad thing. The weight comes off no matter what for a really long time so you start to feel invincible. You assume it will keep going no matter your patterns and you don't notice old habit screep back in. I tend to find ways to eat more. I take breaks mid meal so I can fit more in later. I eat small amounts fo sugary foods or crappy snacks. I can down wheat thins like nobody's business. These are all things I need to stop. Like now. These things are the reason I am only down as much as I am. Does it sound like a lot? Sure. Could I be losing more and be healthier in general? Absolutely. The key to keeping all of this off, I have heard time and again, is changingthe habits. I can go back to how I used to be. I need to realize that and really know it. I need to accept my powerlessness over food - I mean, hello! I had major surgery to control this and I am learnign how to train my body to eat that way agina? Stupid me needs a freakin' brain bypass. I am trying. I am paying attention. I am needing to get my shit together.

It is really easy to just get used to the surgery and its benefits without grasping new ways of living. I haven;t jumped on the exercise/healthy living train. Sure, I do more things than I used to but none of them include actual exercise. All of the times I have committed to going to the gym? Not once. The treadmill? It is a glorified clothesrack lately. That whole walking to and from work? It's been weeks, if not months since I have done it. It's important that I train my body. I need to get new habits. I need to figure out how.

My skin is becoming a pretty big burden. It just hangs on me. My stomach is just this jiggly mass. My arms? They have elephant wrnkles. The tops of my thighs are crazy fleshy pockets. And don't even get me started on my boobs. I will need plastic surgery in a major way and I am only 29. I am going t have to do some serious planning since I will lose my insurance when I leave my job in August. If anyone out there has $30k or so to spare so I can get half of me trimmed off, let me know. :)

Now the major thing. I wanted to share this because I think it's somethng that a lot of people will come up against in all of this. I think it is called addiction transferrance or something. I have always been a fan of altering substances, as many of you know. I went through my bog old pot phase for my early 20's. Did a drug or 2 in my Santa Cruz days. Always had some sort of alcoholic beverage involved throughout those years. And there was always food. Food soothed me, entertainmed, consoled me... you name it, food was there and it helped. I lost that when I had surgery. I lost my constant.

About 3 weeks after surgery I decided to see if I could dirnk alcohol yet. I did it. It went down quite fine. I could drink. Big mistake. So, in my attempt to compensate for my not being able to eat, I kinda started to drink. A lot. This seems to not be so very uncommon for people in my situation. There are message boards for bypass patients and addictions. There is talk around the Boards of how much do you drink, what did you drink this weekend, etc. Well, I feel like I topped them all. I am done. I stopped drinking. I had several last hurrahs over the last few months and I am done. It will be 30 days on Friday. There are a few of you who I was hoping to get to and tell outside of this area but time is passing and I really feel like I needed to get this down for anyone else who is reading this post or pre-surgery. It's something to keep an eye on. It is major and it can change your life. In the last 11 months I have lost 97 pounds, made major life decisions in terms of career, schooling and location, met someone amazing, and have the first string of 30 sober days I have had since I started drinking when I was 13 or so. Interesting times, to say the least.

Just to sum that up - if you are having surgery or have already had it and have even the slightest tendency towards addiction to anything (hello? food!!) just keep an eye on it. The calories alone are enough to steer you clear - I was probably taking in about 500 calories in wine alone every night. So not worth it at all.

And now on to...

Life:
I am moving to LA August 18, 2006. I give my notice at work this week and I am terrified but so excited. I decided, with some help from some people, to go to Vidal Sassooon in Santa Monica. It is incredibly expensive but it is worth it. Their structure will provide me with a very rigid schedule and that is exactly what I need. I will have to get past the whole Student Loan terror and just go for it. I am going into debt to secure a profitable future. It's an investment. I need to remmeber that. I will be in LA atthe end of July to check out the school. School will start on September 5th for me. So exciting! I can't wait for the new chapter of my life to begin.

What else? I was in Philly for a family Bat Mitzvah. I didn;t drink through the whole weekend and it felt good, I suppose. It was hard, don;t get me wrong. I love to drink. I want to drink. I can't drink. Crappy.

I just got spend a really great 5 days with Jason. :) He came up Friday and we played in SF and did touristy things. We went to Pier 39 and had chowder in a bread bowl. We walked around and looked at Alcatraz. We went to the Musee Mechanique, which I love. We got souvenir pennies and took pictures in a photo booth. It was so much fun. :) We also went to the Botanical Gardens - my favorite place. I got to show Jason all the places I have lived in the city and all the stuff I used to love/love now. It was a great time full of lots of time just getting to be together, watching TV and playing video games. I suck at video games, by the way. I need to play with people who suck worse than me. ;) J left this am which blows but I will see him in 3 weeks and then 3 weeks later, I am there. All is good. All is very very good.

So there it is, folks. That's where I am right now - sober, still losing, happy, focused, determined, and ready to go. Wish me luck. :)

Decisions

2006-06-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

I realized that I am in the middle of this crazy whirlwind right now and am starting to get stressed. I am, all at the same time, too busy and too lax. I have so much to do to plan for my move and school and everything but I feel like I am just treading water. It's getting pretty scary, really. I have been on my budget plan for some time now but feel like I am not getting anywhere. I do have a credit card very close to paid off, so that is good, but I have another that isn't anywhere near it. I am in a one step forward, one to two steps back mode. My savings is building a bit but I know it isn;t nearly enough. I have done all this research on schools but I don;t know what I will end up with. I have gotten scared lately that SMC's classes are going to fill up and I won't get the schedule I want and will have to extend my time in school even more. I don't want that. I have done some research on schools that are more expensive but I am guaranteed classes and they start every 2 months or so. Do I bite the bullet and take out loans to pay for school? Who the hell knows. Everything is all undecided and it drives me nuts. Ack!!

On to anothe rtopic - my weight/body/food. I am at 194ish right now. Not a huge loss in the last while but I feel smaller. I am in a size 16 jeans and an xl shirt from old navy. It feels great. :) I love being able to do little things like borrow a sweatshirt or just run out and buy a shirt anywhere if I need one. It is such a freeing feeling. I do, however, need to get my shit together and stop fucking around. I have been eating a bunch of junk lately and snacking a lot - 2 huge no nos. I keep pushing the envelope and I need to stop. I also need to get back on some sort fo exercise trip. My walking to and from work has all but stopped. A day here or there but nothing more. I woul dlove to get outside this weekend but it's so hard by myself. I just don;t know what to do, where to go, etc. I need motivation in human form. It's just how I work.

Other than that crap, things are going pretty well. I am in therapy and I a enjoying it. I found a good therapist who gives me tools and assignments - something I need so bad. I so didn;t want someone who was just gonna nod at me and "uh huh" a lot. I needed someone who would make me commit to changing stuff in my life. I need change right now. I want change. I have been standing around for so long, it feels like. I am ready to go forward.

OK! OK!

2006-05-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

Look, I am sorry I have been so absent. I have been having a crazy last couple of weeks and just couldn't find the time or the voice to write things down. Here is a brief recap and a promise to get back on the horse. I promise. :)

I went to Boston and had a fucking blast. We did Mandie's 30th bday on the Cape - a totally debaucherous weekend filled with lots of booze and delicious grilled meats by Jason. :) We sang alot. Loudly. We danced alot. Wildly. We laughed a lot. Uh, pick an adverb. I had so much fun with everyone - I love Mandie's Jason. He is so much fun. He is hilarious and smart and so obviously loves Mandie - she is a lucky kid. He put together an amazing weekend and everyone there had the most incredible time. Here's a big thanks to Jason and a big happy bday to Mandie. I would be a sad girl without her.

I hung in Providence for a couple days to detox from the weekend of debauchery. Les and I just got to chill - it was great. I also got to see Josh and I was glad. I miss him.

I went back to Boston and had 2 fabulous days with Bunny. :) We toured the burbs of her youth - I love seeing where people are from. We had a great dinner with kenny, amy, craig, jason and mandie. So much fun. And then, the piece de resistance, Bunny gave me her 5 hour walking tour of Boston. I loved it!!!! All my times I have been there have been for something so I never just saw the city and walking ti was perfect. We went to Legal Seafood for lunch - I had lobster. :) We went to old cemeteries, walked the freedom trail, saw the Holocaust memorial, walked through Boston Commons and the Public Gardens... It was so much fun. We had an amazing time.

I went down to Boca for my dad's wife's daughter's bat mitzvah. It was actually totally fun. Moll, Les and I danced our asses off. :)

Work has been mega stressfula nd last week was totally awful. I managed to clear things up by Friday though and I went into my weekend without the sense of impending doom that has been following me. It was a huge relief. I never realized how incredibly awful stress is. I always am pretty good at letting the little stuff go, I think, so when big stuff comes down, it is a bit of a shock. I just need to keep up at this point, though, and all should go along without a hitch. That and I always need to remember to just breathe.

This past wekeend I went to LA for a huge event. Wedding? No. Bris? No. Huge sale at my faveortie store? No. UFC!!!!! Alan, wonderful, great, amazing, fun Alan, got us tickets to go see UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship, for those of you not in the know.) It was a huge fight and I got to go with jason, his brother Steve, and J's friend since forever, Shag (his name is also Steve but J calls him Shag so I am just going with that.) The seats were fucking fabulous - 9 rows up in the first level. We could see everything. We could seriously hear every punch and kick land. The sound of someone getting knowcked out? Uh, pretty fucking cool. We had a great time. Paris Hilton was there. lol. So was Cindy Crawford, the Rock, David Spade, Mike Tyson and a slew of UFC fighters. I got to see my Tito all dressed up in his suit. He looked adorable. It was definitely a once in a lifetime evening. I haven't had that much fun is forever. It was great.

My weekend with J was a lot of fun, too. We got to just hang out and spend time together doing dumb stuff like walking around a mall and shopping and stuff. It was nice to just get to be together without a lot of rushing around. He is amazing, ya know. So funny and so cute and so smart and just so interesting and fun to be with. Alliosn got to meet him too - it was great. I love being able to intro him to people. I am just so proud that I get to have him in my life and I wanna show him off as much as I can. He is fun to show off too. :)

OK, I am back to work now, sans sense of impending doom. :) I will try and update more regularly, I promise. My life is quieting down a little bit so all should be a little chiller. Yay for stuff - life's pretty cool right now. :)

Things I hate

2006-05-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

Money
My job
Ignorance
Snobbishness (snobbery?)
Intolerance
The impossible
Stress
Pens that only work half the time
Cookies in my office
Bills
HMO's
My boss
Jealousy
Slow jams
Cleaning/organizing
Public transportation
Garbage
The second Wednesday of every month
People who under or overestimate me
Meek people
The raise I was promised and am never gonna see
My computer monitor
Distance
What could have been
Procrastination
Self-doubt
Not being able to afford things when I need them
Being pressured into somethng
Feeling trapped
Money

Don;t all get crazy and call me at once. I am ok. I had a really shitty day and am feeling crappy right now. When I am feeling less crappy, I will be able to come up with more than a list of crappiness.

Thinking back

2006-04-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

When I first started this whole surgery adventure, I remmeber looking at people's blogs or websites or posts online and seeing things about how they had lost 100 poiunds in their first 6 months, blah blah blah. At 2 months out, losing like 30 pounds or whatever, I couldn;t imaghine this happening. In a million years. Here I am, 5 and a half months out, having lost like 86 pounds total and 65 since surgery. Am I at the high end of the scale? Definitely not. But I have managed to lose a considerable amount of weight. So what should I have done differently to speed this up? Exercise. I can;t say it enough. I would be so much lower than I am right now if I had just gotten past my laziness and started a regular exercise routine. I kick myself everyday that I didn;t start early and yet I still don't. Not sure what my problem is - I know I should do it. I have follow through issues. I know I do. Not everyone out there follows the best path for themselves - me especially. I have never done what's best for me - in any part of my life. I am a big self-sabotager. Not sure why, but I am. Well, either that or I am just the laziest person on earth. That could be it.

What else to share with the world? As of yesterday, I was at 198.4. That is exciting. My numbers are still going down. Hopefully I will never have to see that 2 infront of my weight ever again. I am down to a size 16 or so - some are too big, some are too small, but I am there. I can shop in some normal stores. I don;t have to go to the plus size section at old navy anymore. I can eat most stuff but still have issues with rice and bread.I shouldn;t be eating them anyway. I need to remmeber protein first, veggies second, carbs third, if at all. I still love food, is the problme. I love the taste and the feeling of chewing it and all that stuff. That will never go away, I suppose. Don;t expect it to, people. It doesn't.

Life is good. Life is going. Life is carrying me alng with it sometimes but I am holding on and managing to stay on the ride. I need to get back inthe driver's seat again. If I had a dollar for everytime I have thoguht something like that and not doen it, I wouldn;t have to stay at my crappy job anymore.

199.6

2006-04-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

What kind of title is that? What does that even mean?? Well, my friends and fans, it means that I got ont he scale Saturday morning and looked down and saw that number. It was way early and was up for no reason and decided to weigh myself before I got in the shower and I literally gasped. I was alone at, like, 7:45 on a Saturday morning and, holy shit. I did it. I am below 200. Not a lot below but I don;t care!! And, best part - I still was today! I managed to not weigh myself yesterday cuz I didn;t want to see it any higher. But this morning I was, again, 199.6. Kind of an odd number to hover at but I don;t give a fuck! It is below 200 and I never wanna see that 2 again. Might I? Yes. I know that. But if so, only briefly. I am so proud of me. I am doing this. Even when I think I am not, I am.

Viva la 100's bitches!!! :)

advice

2006-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

I got a great email today from a great woman with some great advice. I need to start looking into what is making me be all crazy. I am going to have to start adding and removing things from my daily life to test what is going on to make me feel this way. Sadly, one thing that I can cut out failry easily that I am sure will make somewhat of a difference is my love, caffeine. I don;t want to get rid of it but I think it is an easy test to take. Tomorrow morning that will begin. I already had my morning latte today.

I need to keep walking. I need to keep exercising and working out to feel better. I need to find something to get me to a new place - weight-wise and emotionally. My advisor suggested meditation or yoga but I just can;t get there. I think the time I spend walking and thinking is good for me. I need to take my ipod off every once in a while and just think, though. I have a lot to think about.

I am feeling kinda shaken and unknown right now. I don;t like that feeling. I felt like I knew what was coming for me and now I have no idea. I don;t know for sure that the weight is going to come off. I feel almost as if I am sabotaging myself right now. Why would I do that? Why now? It's my protective covering, I suppose. It's my wall. I don;t like to let down my walls. When I do, I tend to get hurt. They didn;t build walls around castles for nothing - they keep you safe. But they also keep you isolated. I don;t want to isolate myself. I want to be exposed and open so that all of the things that bring me happiness can find me. I hope I don;t put my walls back up. I hope I let my protective covering fall. It's a hard thing to do, though. You spend your whole life building this thing, this barrier, and now you have to dismantle it piece by piece. It's gonna take a while, I know. I am going to keep working on it though. I have to.

It is so hard to get well

2006-04-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I attempted to start therapy on Tuesday. The doc was great, totally meshed, felt like maybe something will really come out of this and all that. Well, apparently he is out of my hmo network. How much could it cost, right? $180 a session. Fuck that. So yesterday I began my search for an in-network therapist. I managed to get a call back form one woman who I am going to meet with on Monday at 5. I am excited. Her office is also like way close to mine so it will be really easy to see her and everything. I hope this does what I need it to. I really do.

My ups and downs

2006-04-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

Normally, a title like that would indicate a post abotu my weight. Well, not today. Today I am here to discuss something else: my emotional rollercoaster I seem to always be on. I tend to start out the day in a great mood. I am smiling, I am happy, I am ready to take on the world. As the hours pass and the day goes on, things just kind of darken. It can take only minutes for my mood to shift into this fucked up hole that I can;t seem to climb out of. Why does this happen to me? I just want stability. Damn that is a running theme in my life. I have always just wanted stability, balance. I am such a fucking Libra.

So, yeah. My mood? Changing at the drop of a hat lately. I hate it - when I am in a crappy mood for no reason. I mean, c'mon - I am happy to be all grumpy and fucked up if there is a cause but for no reason at all? Hell no. I deserve more than that. Maybe therapy will help get me past that too. I fucking hope so.

ugly trackers are back!

2006-04-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

I figured I would share with all of you the ugly weight loss tracker i just made. yeah, i am bored.

i was at 200.4 this morning. my body is taunting me.

Great weekend...

2006-04-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

I was in LA this weekend for holiday goodness - Passover seder and all that jazz. I had a great time. :) Jason came to meet my fam on Friday night and he was a hit. He also LOVED my family which made me totally happy. A good rule of thumb is if you can hang with my fam, you will be able to hang with me. Well, it worked. Not only did he totally get along with moll and les, but Chuck awarded him Best Smile of the Night. :) That;s my wonderful man...

In turn, I met J's fam on Sunday. They switched their Easter plans around so we could do brunch so I could be there. It was so nice. His family was great. I met his mom who is so sweet. She is so normal! It was crazy - where the hell did my wonderfully weird, loud, crazy Jason come from?? His brother, who is SO his brother, and his siter in law were there with thei 2 boys. They were all great. I am used to being around boys who are totally insane but these guys were just great. We had brunch and went back to his brother's house so the kids could hunt for easter eggs. It was great. It was great watching J interact with his fam, it was great to be a part of it. It was all totally fun and easy and really really nice. I apprently passed the test, too. :) I am in.

I got to see Alan and Sherri which was great. I got to hang with Moll and Les, althoguh never as much as I want to. I got to see my mom but only for a little bit. Saturday nighth seder at my grandparent's was fun but weird without my dad there for the first time. I really missed him a lot. Oh! I totally found the afikomen at seder at Moll's on friday night!! That is only the second time in my life I have found it. I feel so accomplished.

After seder on Saturday night, I went to Elisa's 30th bday party. :) I am so glad I am 6 months younger! haha J met me there a little after I arrived. He brought me Tab energy drink!!!! He knows me oh so well. First thing he has ever bought me - rousing success. :) We hung til like 1:30 or so then drove back to his place and had a fun rest of our evening - even though we stayed up waaaay too late.

All in all? Great fucking weekend. I feel really good right now and I feel really happy. Oh, by the way - I woke up this am and opened my suitcase to get soemthing to wear to work today and discovered that Jason had slipped his old hockey jersey into my stuff without me knowing. :) Yes, it's on loan but it is so nice to have a piece of him with me at home. It was so perfect. I loved finding something of his among all these things of mine. He is so cool...

I am obese!!

2006-04-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

I was online today and decided to look up my body mass index (BMI) to see where I am falling these days. Well, I am happy to say that I am no longer morbidly obese or super obese! How awesome is that?? I started this at 49, I think and am now down to a little above 35. Soon, I will only be overweight! I never thougth I would be so happy to be obese. I am also well below the point where I would qualify for gastric bypass surgery, unless I had SEVERE comorbidities like crazy diabetes and stuff. Yay for me!

I walked to work again this mroning after not moving all weekend. I was actually looking forward to coming in just so I culd do the walk. If the weather holds, I will walk home today too. Tomorrow the walk in isn't gonna happen cuz I have to look all nice for the board meeting but I will bring my tennies and walk home instead. I love this!!

Oh, my scale refuses to move below 200.2 and it even put me up to like 201.something this morning. Bastard.

Weekend whatever

2006-04-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

So I spent the weekend with some serious downtime. I spent yesterday on a bit of a people-free thing. I just wsn't in the mood to speak or explain ro anything much at all. I napped a bunch and didn't really leave my bed for muhc at all. Depression? Probably. Reasons why? Not entirely sure. You all know me and my funks I fall into. I am digging my way out of it, though. I got up this morning and immediately got to doing the dishes - it was awesome. Then, for some weird reason, i decided i wanted to cook something. I know - I am scary. I had this jar of sauce from TJ's for a one pot chili so i defrosted some chicken and cut it up. I threw some olive oil and chopped garlic in a pot and fried it up. It smelled so good in my house!! I threw in the chicken and browned it. Yep, I actually browned meat. I know. It's crazy. I was a little in awe of me too. I threw in a can of kidney beans and finally the sauce and let it cook for a half hour or so then simmered it for a bit longer. It is actually kinda good. Now I just need to freeze some so I have it for later.

Sundays are better than Saturdays for me for some reason. I can't wait for it to be tomorrow so I can get moving again and walk to work. I can't seem to motivate on the weekends to do much of anything. Give me too much time to think and I tend to dig myself into a hole. I am trying to dig my way out, don't worry. I am past the point where I will let myself wallow. Tomorrow, first thing, I am calling the therapists I got referalls for and setting up an appointment. I need some head shrinkage. It can't hurt and at this point, I am pretty sure it will do a lot for me. I need it.

Walk on home, boy.

2006-04-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I did it again. I walked to work this morning. I love this. I walked 2 miles on Wednesday, 4 miles yesterday and then 2 miles so far today. It is feeling damn good. Not the mopst exciting blog entry ever but I wanted to share my excitement. :)

I Walk the Line

2006-04-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I walk in a straight line. Mostly. Last night I started on a new endeavor. I decided that on days when weather allows, I am going to walk home from work. It's about 2 miles and it took me about 40-45 minutes. It was great. It felt good to just walk and clear my head and enjoy the sunshine. It isn't hilly so I wasn;t all yucky sweaty ro anything. I did work up a sweat but I was still comfortable in my jacket. It was great.

You know what's even better? The fact that I did it again this morning!!! I woke up at 6:45 or so to take Allison to the aiport. I got up and got ready, drove her to sfo, came back, dropped off her car, grabbed a scarf and gloves and I was off. It was, again, totally great! It just felt good to be moving. It took me like 42 minutes or somethng - time I should have used to come in early and finish the sork I have been putting off for weeks - but I decided it was worth it for me to invest that time in myself. I am worth it.

So yeah, that's 4 miles in the last 2 days. I have exercise back in my life! Yay! I am so happy with things right now. I am working hard on my weight loss and my health, I am so happy having Jason in my life, I am loving my plans for the future, I am working hard to plan for things and trying not to let anythng get out of control. Last night, per jason's, um, advice, I spent 30 minutes just cleaning my room when I got home. I didn;t have to clean it all, I just did 30 minutes. That was it wasn;t such an overwhelming task. I then spent 30 minutes finishing another project I had been wanting to complete. Just spending those little blocks of time - what amounts to one tv show, really - made things so much easier. I felt a little more relaxed in my surroundings and a lot more in charge of my life. That chaotic noise that usually swirls around me quieted down a bit. I needed that. I like the quiet.

i am useless when i am tired

2006-04-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

I need to sleep. Not sleeping makes me emotionally unstable. I hate the beginning of daylight savings time.

Countdown

2006-04-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get antsy. I have been slowly creeping down towards the under 200 mark and it feel slike it will never get here. This morning I was 200.8 pounds. Ack! I just want to lose that one more pound. I am not going to weigh myself until Friday, I think, so that it will just happen like *poof* next time I weigh. I am so excited.

I tried on a bunch of Allison's skirts last night in size 16 - they all pretty much fit me. It is so weird to me. I can go into so mnay more stores now and buy clothes. I don;t need to just got to Lane Bryant and Torrid. I am excited to got New York and Co. Allison always finds such cute stuff there. I just wish my body shape wasn;t so warped. I mean, I definitely have some weird stuff going on in terms of skin. Like, I am pretty sure my bra size is totally off because of it all - I just want to get down to a 38 something so I can shop at Victoria's secret or anywhere like that. In time, I know.

What else? I have been feeling pretty good. Jason fed me delicious things all weekend and with the exception of a half a sandwich I ate too close to my coffee, I did great. The sandwich incident wasn't even so bad - just too much food in too short of a time. My own fault but something to be paid attention to nonetheless. I do notice that most of my puking episodes involve alcohol to some extent. I don;t know if I just don;t pay attention to how I eat when I am drunk, tipsy, whatever, or if physically my body doesn;t want food. I had an episode monday night after our museum opening - I had been drinking wine and then came home and had soup. The soup did not stay down. I might also be more apt to bring food back up to relieve any sick feeling when I am drunk. I just get impatient and instead of waiting out the yucky feeling, I just get it out of me. Hmm. INteresting thought.

That is me for now. I am happy and healthy and learnign new things about me everyday. I am still jumping through hoops to try and get into therapy - sometimes the HMO system sucks. I will keep pushing.

Striving to Attain Perfection

2006-03-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

You want to know how to make something go wrong? Try and make it perfect. It is impossible.Life isn;t perfect - that is what makes it interesting. Think about it - your best memories, are they of those times when everything was planned and plotted out and supposedly perfect? I definitely doubt that. They are those days when you ended up going to the park on a whim or you were supposed butthen it rained and youended up having a great in-house day. It is moments like those -the unplanned, the mistakes, the rained out moments - that stay with you.

Don;t plan for perfection, people. Just go and be who you are and do what you do. If you do those things, everything goes as life planned. Don't doubt that.

It was no fluke.

2006-03-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

So, I went shopping last night for a few cute new things - it was necessary, believe me. So I got home from work, dropped off the mail, grabbed Allison's car key and took off. Thankfully, the world was traffic free (yay!) and I got to the mall by like 5:45. It was great. So I park easily (I was having great travel karma!) and get in the mall, make a beeline for Torrid, get inside and... ahhhh. Such cute clothes everywhere. Love it. So I start grabbing things to try on - a few skirts, some tops, a shrug or 2; you know, the usual. I gather my million size 18 things and I begin the trying on session. The first skirt gets put on - it is way cute but it just fits weird. The back kinda sticks out too much and stuff. I put my hands on the waistband and realize I can gather it quite a bit. I had a moment in the dressing room where I was just like, "Wait. No way. I think I need a... a size 16?!" It was so cool. I went out into the store and grabbed a 16 off the rack, brought it back in and, yep. It fit perfectly. I am so excited. I could probably squeeze into a 14 if I needed to. Not comfortably but still. Wow.

food stuff and me

2006-03-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

I went through a weird phase a couple weeks ago - I didn;t really eat. I had no appetite at all. I would say it was really like 4 weeks ago but it lasted for a few weeks. I was content to live on lattes and protein drinks. I had no desire for solid food at all. I definitely got a lot of shit for it from certain people (Jason, ahem!) and have been labeled a non-eater. I do eat. I don't eat as much as I should on some days, or what I should be eating, I guess.

I really do try. I am now one of those freaks who will "forget" to eat. Who the hell does that?? Well, I do, now. I have tried to just be all strict about my foods every day - protein drink as soon as I get to work, latte mid morning, cottage cheese and pineapple for lunch, protein or string cheese at like 4 (sometimes another latte), and then dinner. Now dinner can get a little shifty. Most of the time I try to at least have soup. I do end up with leftovers a lot, obviously. Last week it was beans and cheese. This week it is Chinese food. I just wish I cooked. I wish I could say I was having leftovers of chicken breast and green beans or delicious homemade veggie soup or something.

I keep saying I will try to do that kind of stuff and it still just fall sby the wayside. Where di my whole recommitment thing go? I did have 2 protein drinks yesterday - that was a recommitment. And I will do the same today. I am trying to find my energy in vitamins and protein rather than caffeine. Baby steps, right?

I just need to keep looking at each day as its own. If I look at it as the rest of my life ti gets overwhelming and small at the same time. It is easy to skip a vitamin if i know i will take one every other day for the rest of my life. I can;t be thinking like that. I need to do this every day. Yes, it is hard. Much harder than I though tit was gonna be. 82 pounds, though. 82 pounds since August. I think I can do what I need to do today for 82 pounds.

New Hair!

2006-03-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

I went and got my hair done last night - cut and color - with a new guy and I love it!

I also am posting a scomparison pic from when I redid my hair originally last summer. Such a difference...

yay!!!!

2006-03-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

I just got the best phone call ever. :) My friend Mandie - one of the greatest people i have ever known in all of my life - is now engaged to Jason, one of the greatest guys I have had the pleasure of knowing (although not nearly as well but I intend to remedy that). I am so f'ing excited!!!! This is so great!!

Mandie's Jason seriously wins a fucking medal for the amount of effort he put into this. He had a limo surprise her at work, under the guise of her meeting some friend of a co-worker downstairs. He totally arranged it all with both her Boston and NY officess - so crazy! The limo had a dozen Dahlias in it -0 her fave flower - and took her to the Prudential Building, the site of a fateful meeting for them. She gets out of the limo and there is Jason. :) And he proposes. The ring is supposedly beautiful - I can;t wait to see it. Oh and Mandie said yes. :) Then Jason rented out a Duck Boat and they cruised around Boston Harbor. They are then going to dinner at the restaurant where they had their first date, 2 years ago today. :) Seriously - what a great fucking story.

Here's to Mandie and Jason and their fab life together. I can;t wait to harass them as a married couple. Yay!!!!

Another Update

2006-03-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

I figured it might be a good time to do the picture comparison, too. :) The bottom pic is me with Mandie and Bunny at Amy's wedding on September 30, 2005. The top pic is me in Vegas last weekend. It is hard not to see the change when you put those pics next to eachother.I will try to do a little retrospective of me over time. We'll see how much time I need to waste at work tomorrow. :) Maybe that will wait til the 6 month update.

An Update on the To-Do List

2006-03-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

In August of 2005, I posted a to-do list of things I want to do post-surgery. Here's the update:

Cross my legs - done!
shop at betsey johnson
sit in the middle on an airplane - done! I was comfy and fine. And I can put the tray down now, too!!Ride piggyback
run
live on a hilly street
sit in any resaturant booth - DONE!
sit in a hammock with someone
sit in any seat on the train - People never move away from me anymore
use a regular bath towel - Except the ones at the Confort Inn, I do ok.
buy shoes that are pretty instead of comfortable - So fucking done.
go to vegas with 20 bucks and last an entire weekend
not fill out an entire chair - Chairs get oddly bigger when you lose weight
paint my own toenails comfortably - done and will be doing so tonight
try snowboarding/surfing
get up easily from indian style on the floor - Done. Getting out of the bath is a cinch now too.
hike - I want to and know I can, just haven't done it.
go to an amuseument park and not worry about fitting on all the rides - Know I can, haven't gone yet.
have a "little black dress"
borrow a sweatshirt/jacket from someone regardless of who it is
wear heels to work - Every day, baby!!
hop a fence (Why did I want to do this?? lol)
play on the swings at the park - I need to go to the park soon!!
eat in public and not feel like I am being stared at
do online dating and be overwhelmed by emails (Not really caring about this anymore)
run into someone from my past and not be recognized
sit and hug my knees
do yoga
see my shoulder blades
ride a bike
have "one size fits all" fit me too!
fit into a hospital gown - Done!
dance all f'ing night again
get picked up and swung around - picked up, yes. Swung? Gimme a few more months.
rollerskate in the park
see an outfit in a store window and know I could just go in and buy it
Get a mani/pedi and not be uncomfortable - Know I can, now I just need to get my ass in for one.

I feel good. I feel accomplished. Do I have more thngs I want to do? Absolutely. Do I know I still have a very long way to go? Sure. Am I proud of what I have accomplished so far? Totally.

I am feeling like my journey has taken a new path. I am strivign for health as much as vanity now. I don;t just want to be thin, I want to be healthy. I want to be active. I am renewing my commitment ot take my protein everyday and my vitamins and my calcium. I am going to try and eat more diverse foods and make healthier choices. I am going to make a decision to start exercising again - whatever I might choose as that exercise. I want to come out of this as strong as I can. I want to come out of this a better me, not just a smaller me.

bad moments

2006-03-22T16:23:00.000-08:00

you know those days that start out great and then by the end of the day you are just like, "who the fuck was that person this morning??" I was so content. I was so happy. I was so on the road to feeling normal again. Well, now I feel awful. Not physically, just mentally and emotionally. I lash out at people who don;t deserve it AT ALL and I can;t concentrate to get any work done. I just hate feeling this way. I want to just feel like me. I don;t feel at all like me.

Photo Vegas continued

2006-03-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Here's a little taste of the craziness... That solo one of me giving the finger? That's at 11am on Saturday folks. Haven't gone to bed yet.

The Weight

2006-03-22T10:40:00.000-08:00

It keeps dropping. I don;t know why, 4 months out, I am still surprised at it. Weird. So, this morning I weighed and was shocked to see that the damn thing said 203.2. Huh. Wow. I am almost under 200. I am totally excited. Shocked, but excited. Since August I am down 81.8 pounds and since surgery i am down 60.8 pounds. Holy shit, people.

photo vegas

2006-03-20T18:36:00.000-08:00

until andrea sends me her pics, this is all you get. mind you this is at 12:35am on saturday and we stayed up til noon that day. the pix got way blurrier.

vegas report

2006-03-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

well, a few things came out of this weekend.

First, I love Andrea and she is fucking rockin'. She is funny and smart adn so my hetero lifemate. She will laugh hysterically with me but also be a great ear when i need one so badly. Kudos to my Andrea on being amazing.

Second, Jason is really the greatest man I have ever met. I am contsatntly amazed at how clearly he sees things and how honest he is about everything. He is so incredible. He just gets me so well and I am so thankful that he still cares so much about me even though I am so obviously flawed. I can;t wait to get to spend my life with him.

Third, never doubt a hunch. All weekend I was convinced I was gonna get a royal flush on video poker - that is the best you can do. That is 4000 credits if you are betting max, which I was. Well, Sunday, working on day 2 of the same hangover, while sitting at the Thirsty Camel after giving up on blackjack cuz I was worried I might puke on the table, I did it. Andrea was standing next to me, I was dealt an ace, queen, ten of diamonds along with 2 other shitty cards. I threw away the 2 shitty cards and lo and behold - the jack, king of diamonds comes up. I almost peed myself. I won $1000 on quarter video poker. It was insane. It was a coup. A thousand dollars. That money redeemed the weekend. It made it ok that I had lost $600. It made it ok that Andrea and I were so sick from staying up til noon drinking on saturday. It ade it ok that I make some crappy judgement calls. It made it all ok. iT even made my hangover go away for like a good half hour. A thousand dollars.

So, here's to Vegas and the money I won. Here's to my Andrea who met her future husband this weekedn (he thinks he can beat me at trivial pursuit, isn;t that adorable??). Here's to Jason and all that he is. Here's to being hom and starting to finally feel normal again. I figure by the end of the week I will actually feel right.

A thousand dollars.

vegas vegas ve-gas!

2006-03-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

so excited for vegas!!! i leave tomorrow night to go spend a wonderful, fun filled wekeend in vegas with andrea. woo hoo!!! i am hoping i win like i did last time. I will keep my betting strategy (courtesy of Canadian Rob) going and hope for the best.

We are going to dinner on Friday night at Mix at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay. It is absolutely gorgeous and the menu looked ok for my veggie friend. :) I am excited to have a lovely drink (chopin up, ice cold with a twist) and a delicious bit of food. I love that Andrea and I have discovered the joy of the fabulous dinner in Vegas. It is fun to get all pretty and go out on the town. :) Of course we always end up back at our beautiful Sahara. Oh she takes such good care of us.

Tonight I need to gather my outfits for the trip. I am hoping I can still wear some of the things I wore last time. How rad that they may all be too big on me!!? Yay! I really do feel different this time. I feel smaller and sexier and just more girly than ever. It doesn;t hurt that I found someone who thinks I am so hot and so cool, all at the same time.

Viva La Vegas, bitches!!!!!

i am sorry, what size are those pants??

2006-03-14T16:25:00.000-08:00

So i just got some green cords inthe mail that i got on clearance on torrid.com. I opened them and was like, "fuck, i ordered a 16??" So I decided to try them on anyway. They totally fit me!!!! I can wear a size 16 pants. OK, maybe I can only wearthose specific 16 pants. I have to go shopping. I must find out! I don;t have any size 16s laying around - I don;t remember the last time I was that size. Holy shit. Thank god my mom is sending me a little something to out towards som clothes. This is fucking fantastic. Wow.

I'm comin' home...

2006-03-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

I know there are a few of you out there who have been waiting a while to hear this but.. I am moving back to LA. Come September, you all get me back. I am going to live with my wonderful Andrea in the cutest house in the world, over in Burbank. I am finally going to get my shit together and get started on cosmetology school. I am thinking I will go to SMC but I am also going to look at Pasadena too. It will be a shorter commute. SMC's cosmetology program is supposed to be pretty good, though. I have time to figure it out.

So yeah, people. Get ready for me. If anyone knows of a cheap car for sale, tell me. That is the one crazy expense I am going to have. Keep an eye out, people. I need your help on this one!!

Oh yeah and I kow I am gonna get the eye rolling about moving here for a boy. I am moving to LA for my future. I am moving for school and my friends and a lot of other stuff. Jason is an important part of it but I am doing it for more than just him so y'all can shut up. By the way, have I told youhow amazing he is in the last 10 minutes? Cuz he is. :)

thine eyes...

2006-03-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

There is something up with my eyes. I keep seeing all blurry and sometimes kind fo double. It also makes me dizzy which sucks. I will call the nurse on duty nuber tomorrow to see if they can tell me anything but I have no idea what is going on. It definitely doesn't feel good. I have also been totally exhausted as of late but not sleeping well, also. It's pretty frustrating. Ugh.

Weight update - 207.4 as of this morning. I am getting so close to the one hundreds. I am so excited for that. My friend Kim cleaned out her old clothes and I wernt over there Friday night and tried on a bunch of clothes. I came home with 2 huge bags of clothes; I am stoked. I also had so much fun with Kim, she is really cool. I am glad she came to work with me. :)

Saturday I hung out with Sunny - I missed her so much. We went and saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party. It fucking rocked. The music in it was so good and Dave Chappelle is so funny - I almost spit coffee out my nose twice during the movie. Go see it or rent it when it comes out. It was so worth seeing.

That's myh Sunday. I am tired and I am getting into my bed right now.

Amazing People

2006-03-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

My new favorite feeling is this freedom I have been given. Being involved with someone to whom I know I belong and will take care of me and keep me warm but at the same time, I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jaosn knows I will always come home to him. I know I will always come home to him - there isn't a doubt in my mind. I guess that is what happens when you meet that person that you just click with; that person you know you just get to be yourself with. Hell, I have to be myself. Being me is how I ended up here. I like belonging to Jason.

Hire me!

2006-03-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

Please. Someone out there. You know you need an incredibly capable, smart, funny, responsible, motivated, computer literate and then some, office whiz to come work for you. I don;t care what the job is. Honestly. It need only pay upwards of $40k/year and be commutable for me. My only requirements are health insurance and I prefer you not be a raging psycho bitch who turns their mood swings on me. That si seriously my only requirement. Need a snow shoveler? Cool. Persnal shopper? I'm your girl. Sandwich artist? I have no problem with that. Just get me out of here.

I kind of yelled back today finally. It felt good. 6 months. I have to last 6 miserable months. Thank god the rest of things are going so well. I am down to 208.2 as of this morning. That is exciting. I stumbled upon Jason. That rocks. I am wearing really cute boots that I can finally wear cuz I got jeans that re long enough, even if they are a size too big. I downloaded good music to listen to to soothe my anger. I am now going to go to Starbucks for my nf sfv latte - I might go decaf though.

Fuckin' Thursday. I am pretty sure I am getting sick.

so here is the real deal...

2006-03-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

I was in LA last weekend and somethng incredible happened. I think I may have met the man I have been looking for my entire life. He is amazing. He is funny. He is really really funny. He is so hot. He is remarkable. We met and it wa slike, yeah, ok, you are it. Seriously, kids? I am so happy right now I feel like I might explode. He is honest and smart and funny and cute and did i mention totally hot? His name is Jason, yu will probaby end up hearing about him a lot. (by the way, I will toleratew the first round of phone calls asking for more info. I understand that this is a weird forum to tell soem of you about this.)
So he lives in LA, Thousand Oaks, actually. Yeah, I know, another reason for me to come back to LA. Connie hasn;t exactly been making me want to saty in SF either so little does sh know, she is contributing to me getting closer to Jason. Isn;t that nice of her?
So this man is amazing, people. He is pretty much everything I have been looking for my entire life. Yeah. I said it.
Ever meet someone who does everything exactly how you wantit? I mean the physical, emotional, mental, humor, everything. He says things to me about stuff I haven;t even said outloud yet. I am constantly in awe of him and who he is...
Bunny kept telling me I would find him eventually. I nodded and was positive but I never really believed her. I figured I would have to settle eventually. After meeting Jaosn, I am not settling. I refuse. I don;t want something else when I know he is out there. You guys are gonna love him.

Updates!

2006-03-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would let y'all know abotu my latest coup. I weighed this am after a not very food filled weekend and... 210. 2 fucking 10. I am down 75 pounds since last august. I feel good. I look good. I am coning up on somwe times when i get to see people I haven;t in a while. Things are progressing somothly, folks. Come on over and join in my bliss.

Found

2006-03-06T00:24:00.000-08:00

I was in LA this weekend to be with my friend Elisa. To distract and humor and anything else she needed me to do. Well, guess what? I went for her but all I can do is thank her. She introduced to me to how things are supposed to be, I feel like. I know I am vague on here sometimes about stuff but it is usually just because I am not really wanting to put everything out to all of you all the time. Don't get me wrong, I obviously want my life out there to some extent; I wouldn't be putting my shit on display like I do if I wasn't ready to share. Let me just say this about this wekend: I am back in SF tonight knowing that I can trust and believe and give and all that will come of it is good. I was taught that by someone absolutely incredible and I am forever changed because of it. You know those moments in life when everything just stops? Well, I totally stumbled into that place and I am going to stay here for as long as I fucking can. I love it here.

Really? This is what I was looking forward to?

2006-02-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

I am back on the anti-dating campaign. Staying single, this one is, for some time to come. The great date from last week, remember him? Yeah. He never called. Why tell someone you want to see them again, ask when they are free, and then just disappear? So weird. I guess I am just more straightforward than that. If you aren't stoked on someone, just say thank, take care. That isn't so hard. Whatever. I guess East coast boys are exactly the same as the West coast ones. That makes it 2 for 2. I am not a second date kinda girl, I guess.

Weekend fun? Pretty much movies and naps. I did watch a FABULOUS documentary - Murderball. You all must see this movie. It was so good. It was funny and action packed and pretty freakin' cool. Most of the guys in the movie are way hot, too. :) Doesn't hurt, right? It's about a bunch of guys who play Quad Rugby - basically quadrapalegics smashing into eachother in these crazy, Mad Max wheelchairs. I watched every single special feature they had on that disc - I didn't want it to end. Put it on your netflix queue immediately.

Today I plan to enjoy this stormy day with my coffee in hand, reote inthe other hand, and tryong to shoo away these cats I live with who seem to feel the need to sit on me constantly - not near me, mind you, but on me. It gets old.

Weighed this am with the heavy heart of an awful week and found that I am down more. 213.6 as of today. This makes it official - I am down over 50 pounds since surgery. I am so excited. I feel like I have gotten smaller int he last couple weeks too. The size 20 jeans are getting that look and I have been moving into my size 18s. I think I can feel my collarbones and my shoulders are definitely squarer than they been since I was in my early 20's. That part feels great. Knowing the weight is coming off again is keeping me going. I have been trying to get past a lot of food=comfort issues lately. I still want to order pizzas and eat pints of ice cream fr entertainment. I am trying to be more diligent in my calorie intake and cut down on snacking again. Exercise is still a hard task for me to tackle. I just can't figure out how to get it back in my life as a constant. I just feel like all I have to give right now is work then sloth. I come home and put on my pjs and turn on the tv. I just don't see me doing anything else. It's hard right now - it is glaringly obvious to me that I don;t have a friend base in this city. I do ok at work - I have one good friend there - but once the day is over, that is that. Al is in NJ right now but even when she isn't she has her gf that she is on the phone with a lot of the time. I just want the usuals around. I want people to hang with and socialize with and all that stuff. I wantthings to do, ya khnow? No one ants to do the stuff I would want to do so I have no one saying, C'mon, it's pub quiz night!", or "Hey, let's just hang out today." Such is life right now. Maybe spring will bring something new for me. Who knows?

Connie Made Me Cry.

2006-02-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

The last person who made me cry in a work related capacity was Rip Torn.

Ya know, I thought I was impervious to her temper. I thought I didn't care when she yelled and screamed and accused me of fucking up everything all the time. I thought that I didn't care when she judged me solely on the last thing I did - only when it is a mistake - and doesn't think about any of the things I took care of for her aside from that one thing. She just pushes and pushes and gets so angry and doesn;t censor herself at all. I know that is wrong. I know that is unprofessional. I know that is why most of the people in this office hate her. I also know that she can;t always mean it. I know that it is just her being stressed out. I thought I knew how to brush it off but I guess this morning it was just too much.

Connie doesn't care about anyone's time but her own. Yesterday, in the span of 9 hours (I worked 8-6 yesterday and I mean I fucking WORKED)I made 54 packets, made travel arrangements for like 5 legs of a trip including for a building model, found her any image that she decided she wanted (I was fielding requests like, "I want pictures of Board members doing stuff), I helped with her Powerpoint presentation, I briefed her on the Board Retreat tomorrow, I dealt with private jets and airports. I dealt with Beverly Hills security and a very whiny French assistant in New York. Now, in all of the stuff I had to do over the course of yesterday, I would say about 90% of it could have been doen over the course of last week if Connie had just taken 10 seconds to make decisions, or at least tell me to do stuff!! The ground transportation arrangements?? Like she didnt know she needed that before?? She is so secretive about her shit then expects me to know what I am supposed to do. WTF???

I don;t know how much longer I am going to last here. I will stay until I get my friggin' retroactive raise from OCTOBER and then the planning continues. I am sure I am not going anywhere... I will just whine about it and keep taking it. Pathetic.

Mood Swings

2006-02-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

When things are good, they are so freakin' good. Mind you, I am having the craziest work week of my life here. There is a major major event every day this week, all of which I am required to set up. You know what, though? I don't care! I am gettign shit done and then it will all be over in 3 days. Where is the craziness in that? I am feeling quite a bit of my Libra balance right now.

Met a great boy, too. Had a great date. Seeing him again this week. It gives me hope about the guys in SF. He is is originally fromt he East coast so it's not giving me too much hope. :)

What else... ooh! As of Saturday I was down to 216.6. C'mon everyone, let's do the math. I am down 68.4 pounds since August and 47.8 pounds since November 15. I am on a good road here. It feels good. I am starting to feel like a new me. I am glad to have gotten to the point where my previous weight doesn't phase me. I will tell anyone what I used to weigh (obviously!) and not even care. The new boy asked, politely of course, and I told him. I just don;t care. I don't weigh that anymore. I will never weigh that again. That is some person I don't even know anymore. She was cool, don;t get me wrong; I am just cooler. :)

Calm down everyone...

2006-02-18T02:50:00.000-08:00

I am taking my meds again. Don't worry. After a panicked phone call from my mom this morning, I realized I should tellyou guys that all is ok. Work is more hectic than it has ever been for me but I am managing. I have a date on Sunday with a new guy who seems pretty cool and hopefully another date with the great guy from last week. I am hoping for the best but expecting the worst, per usual.

I had a blast tonight hanging with Steve who is in town from Humboldt. He rocks. Tomorrow we are going to flea markets and stuff, I hope. Tomnorrow night I am supposed to go out with my friend (coworker) Jenn and her friends for her bday. Tjen Sunday I am going to see Tash and Louis and the girls. I am excited. I am loking forward to a good weekend. Hope you all have the same. :)

Who needs their meds?

2006-02-15T18:18:00.000-08:00

Um, I need my meds. I am on day 2 sans lexapro and, well, not good. I ran out and then called inm y rx and then forgot to get it and now I have it but didn;t take take it at work and now I am home and don;t have any. I am starting the feel the stifling effects of me with out my meds. I had a date planned for tonight - nothing big, some guy who answered my CL ad, and I cancelled it. I can't imagine formaing sentences right now. Fuck, I don't even want to speak right now. It is amazing that I decided to write something at all but I figured this was therapeutic or something. Besides, I have shit to share.

I went for my 3 month ceckup wit my surgeon today. All is good. e is appy wit my progress. According to their scales I was 221. According to my ome scale this morning I was 218.4. The teens. Huh. Interesting place to be. I was thrilled earlier but now I can't think of how to be happy so I will be matter of fact about it. I also went shopping the other night with Allison and I bought my first piece of 14/16 clothing. It is a fluke, I know it, but it still was cool. I bought some great stuff (thanks Bunny).

I think I need to have some dinner, wash my face and just be done with today. I will take my meds tomorrow, don't worry. I alse rediscovered my fave album of years ago, American Thighs by Veruca Salt. Damn I love this album.