3 years? ugh.

Tomorrow is my 3 year anniversary at this here job. That is fucked up. I found this job randomly on craigslist and I can't believe I am still here.

I have gone through some crazy shit while working here. My realtionship with Eric bloomed then withered. I lost my Ari. I lost Jon. I have been at my heaviest weight in my life and my lowest in years. I made a major life decision to go to school for something I love. I have been sober for 49 days today. I met a really great guy. I have really tried to work on myself, both in strengths and weakness. I feel like I have taken action to move ahead in my life and actually make somethng of it. I feel good about that.

Now I just need to sit back and let things happen. That is somethng I am working on too. It takes constant attention and awareness but I try. All I can do is try. Here's a little something I read this morning that I really liked:

"To live fully and creatively, to contribute what is only ours to give, requires that we be receptive, wholly, to the reverberations of each present moment. Even anticipation of what may transpire next can prejudice our minds, our level of awareness. Preconceptions cloud our senses. They prevent the actual situation from being fully realized. And it is only in the now, as sensed moment by moment, that we find our cues to proceed along the path chosen for us."

That is how I am trying to live my life. It is so hard. But I have a lot of help. Thanks.

Things get better

Not sure why or how it happened but I am feeling quite back to normal today. I do have a raging headache that I woke up with but all in all, I am feeling a part of this great energy that is the universe. I talked out some things I was feeling, I concentrated on letting go, I tried to look past all the little things and just do what I need to do. It worked. I really think it worked. Huh.

Tonight I shall go to a meeting, put up garage sale posters (garage sale tomorrow 9-3 at my place!) and maybe watch some kung fu. I won't wallow, I won't drink, I will try my damndest not to consume a small country's worth of snacks. I will continue smoking though and don't care a wee bit about it for now. It's all I got left. I have smoking and I have crystal light. I am a wild child. Oh shit, i almost forgot aboutmy precious caffeine. How could I ever forget about that?? Oh caffeine, how I love you. Desperately. Like I used to love cake. Liek I still love cake but without the mind numbing, bone crushing nausea that follows eating a piece of it. (writer sips coffee.)

On to my weekend. Gonna dilly dally here at the office for a while longer then head out to sip more coffee, read my book, and perhaps do some stepwork. Yee haw. Then I will go to my meeting, feel good about myself and retire to my quarters - after a traumatizing stint on the 22 Fillmore bus - to watch Kung Fu and talk to Jason. That's alovely Friday night. Tomorrow's garage sale starts at 9 and we have a lot fo shit to shlep downstairs. Ugh. My back is already killing me for no good reason. Oh well. I will try to make it through. There's always coffee and redbull to help me out.

Gratitude, Fear and Determination

So here I sit at 188 pounds. Well, that is a lie. This morning I was at 189. I feel liek I am never going to get any smaller. I feel like I have hit the point where my body is starting to rebel and give me the finger and say, "You aren;t going to succeed at this so you should just stop." I know it's not that easy - my body, if treated the way it should be, won;t just stop. My mind, however, can grind this whole thing to a halt. I can fail. I can fail if I make myself fail. I am scared I am doing just that.

When I lost weight on Phen Fen at age 21, I got down to 147. I had all these grand dreams of plastic surgery and tummy tucks and breast lifts and blah blah blah. Instead, I spent the next however many years slowly, then quite rapidly, gaining the weight back plus about 80 pounds more. I didn;t make it. I was so determined and I thought I finally saw the end in sight and I blew it. I am terrified of doing that again. I am scared that I will never get to the point of actually getting to have plastic surgery. I will never get to have the body I want or feel the way that I want. I won't get to wear a tank top without a bra or go jogging or wear the size I should really wear. I will always have this loose skin just hanging on me. I can't seem to get past feeling like that. I can't get past that fear.

I want so much to just be normal. I want to reach that goal I have been striving for. I want to look like everyone else and feel like everyone else does. Then I start thinking about how far I have to go - 50 pounds - and how much it will cost to get there - altogether, my surgery will probably end up to be upwards of $40k - and it all seems unattainable. How do I convince myself that that is doable? How do I just accept that it will somehow work out? I just have to. I just have to be ok with what is happening today and accept that there is some plan being worked on for me. yeah, I need to work on believing that.

Ok, now the gratitude. Everything is falling into place for me. I am working on my app for Vidal Sassoon. I am writing my autobiography while I write this blog. I need to write a letter of reference for someone to sign for me (I hate doing that.) I need to shrink some pics and send them to the application lady. That is all moving along. My mom... my wonderful mom... has offered me the use of her spare room while I am in school - at least part of the time. Did I mention she offered it rent free? Did I mention she lives 3 blocks from the school in beautiful Santa Monica? She si amazing. She is just this amazing woman who can swoop in and offer things that literally make me feel lighter in this whole thing. I am so thankful for her and everything she does for me. I am a very lucky kid. She is also working with me to deal with my tuition - not pay for it all, mind you, but help me figure it out so that I can do it. Again, I feel parented and that is somethng I really need going into this right now. It is helpful yet not smothering; supportive but totally allowing me my independence. I don;t know how she does it. She is pretty amazing.

I gave notice at work and it went so well. Connie was an angel. She was sad I am leaving but so proud that i am moving forward to do something so rewarding. She sent out a great email to the staff about me. Here it is:

Some good news and some bad news…….
The good news is that in about a year, we will all be able to get free haircuts from Neely.
The bad news is that we’ll have to travel to LA to get them.
On August 15, Neely is beginning a new journey that will bring her back to the LA area, where she will be reunited with her family and where she will begin training at the Vidal Sassoon Academy. It’s an exciting decision at an exciting moment for Neely – you just can’t keep from being so happy for her.
There is no doubt -- I will miss her enormously and am not quite sure how I’ll survive without her!!!!!
Neely has been with the Museum for three years – and she has weathered and helped lead us through many challenges…..and we will always be grateful for many contributions – but especially her spirit, her energy, her humor, her intelligence, her care, her thoughtfulness, and her love of popular culture!!!!!
Please join me in thanking neely (we’ll have a proper send-off in august)…..and please join me in wishing her well……
At least we have her for another 4 weeks!!!!
Here’s to Neely!!!!!!!!!!!!


So nice, that Connie can be. Now I just need to find my replacement and get all my shit together before I leave. Good times.

Determination. Where do I find it? I just need to keep working. I need to recognize the bad shit and not do it. If I need help, I have to ask for it. If I feel bad, I have to tell someone. If I am hurt, I need to say something. If something is wrong, I need to be honest about it. Sounds easy but it is hard and takes effort. I am willing to put in the effort though - this all seems pretty fucking worth it.

If you had my surgery, please read this - a much needed update and admission.

Things have been hectic but great. I just haven't found a place to update in a while - I am sorry. So, here is my deal:

Weight/Food/etc.:
I am down to 188.8 as of this morning. Only 3.8 more to go and I am down 100 pounds since I started this whole thing. It is slow going as of late. I have been having some issues. I am snacking a lot. I think I have fallen into believing in the "magic" of the surgery. This is a bad thing. The weight comes off no matter what for a really long time so you start to feel invincible. You assume it will keep going no matter your patterns and you don't notice old habit screep back in. I tend to find ways to eat more. I take breaks mid meal so I can fit more in later. I eat small amounts fo sugary foods or crappy snacks. I can down wheat thins like nobody's business. These are all things I need to stop. Like now. These things are the reason I am only down as much as I am. Does it sound like a lot? Sure. Could I be losing more and be healthier in general? Absolutely. The key to keeping all of this off, I have heard time and again, is changingthe habits. I can go back to how I used to be. I need to realize that and really know it. I need to accept my powerlessness over food - I mean, hello! I had major surgery to control this and I am learnign how to train my body to eat that way agina? Stupid me needs a freakin' brain bypass. I am trying. I am paying attention. I am needing to get my shit together.

It is really easy to just get used to the surgery and its benefits without grasping new ways of living. I haven;t jumped on the exercise/healthy living train. Sure, I do more things than I used to but none of them include actual exercise. All of the times I have committed to going to the gym? Not once. The treadmill? It is a glorified clothesrack lately. That whole walking to and from work? It's been weeks, if not months since I have done it. It's important that I train my body. I need to get new habits. I need to figure out how.

My skin is becoming a pretty big burden. It just hangs on me. My stomach is just this jiggly mass. My arms? They have elephant wrnkles. The tops of my thighs are crazy fleshy pockets. And don't even get me started on my boobs. I will need plastic surgery in a major way and I am only 29. I am going t have to do some serious planning since I will lose my insurance when I leave my job in August. If anyone out there has $30k or so to spare so I can get half of me trimmed off, let me know. :)

Now the major thing. I wanted to share this because I think it's somethng that a lot of people will come up against in all of this. I think it is called addiction transferrance or something. I have always been a fan of altering substances, as many of you know. I went through my bog old pot phase for my early 20's. Did a drug or 2 in my Santa Cruz days. Always had some sort of alcoholic beverage involved throughout those years. And there was always food. Food soothed me, entertainmed, consoled me... you name it, food was there and it helped. I lost that when I had surgery. I lost my constant.

About 3 weeks after surgery I decided to see if I could dirnk alcohol yet. I did it. It went down quite fine. I could drink. Big mistake. So, in my attempt to compensate for my not being able to eat, I kinda started to drink. A lot. This seems to not be so very uncommon for people in my situation. There are message boards for bypass patients and addictions. There is talk around the Boards of how much do you drink, what did you drink this weekend, etc. Well, I feel like I topped them all. I am done. I stopped drinking. I had several last hurrahs over the last few months and I am done. It will be 30 days on Friday. There are a few of you who I was hoping to get to and tell outside of this area but time is passing and I really feel like I needed to get this down for anyone else who is reading this post or pre-surgery. It's something to keep an eye on. It is major and it can change your life. In the last 11 months I have lost 97 pounds, made major life decisions in terms of career, schooling and location, met someone amazing, and have the first string of 30 sober days I have had since I started drinking when I was 13 or so. Interesting times, to say the least.

Just to sum that up - if you are having surgery or have already had it and have even the slightest tendency towards addiction to anything (hello? food!!) just keep an eye on it. The calories alone are enough to steer you clear - I was probably taking in about 500 calories in wine alone every night. So not worth it at all.

And now on to...

Life:
I am moving to LA August 18, 2006. I give my notice at work this week and I am terrified but so excited. I decided, with some help from some people, to go to Vidal Sassooon in Santa Monica. It is incredibly expensive but it is worth it. Their structure will provide me with a very rigid schedule and that is exactly what I need. I will have to get past the whole Student Loan terror and just go for it. I am going into debt to secure a profitable future. It's an investment. I need to remmeber that. I will be in LA atthe end of July to check out the school. School will start on September 5th for me. So exciting! I can't wait for the new chapter of my life to begin.

What else? I was in Philly for a family Bat Mitzvah. I didn;t drink through the whole weekend and it felt good, I suppose. It was hard, don;t get me wrong. I love to drink. I want to drink. I can't drink. Crappy.

I just got spend a really great 5 days with Jason. :) He came up Friday and we played in SF and did touristy things. We went to Pier 39 and had chowder in a bread bowl. We walked around and looked at Alcatraz. We went to the Musee Mechanique, which I love. We got souvenir pennies and took pictures in a photo booth. It was so much fun. :) We also went to the Botanical Gardens - my favorite place. I got to show Jason all the places I have lived in the city and all the stuff I used to love/love now. It was a great time full of lots of time just getting to be together, watching TV and playing video games. I suck at video games, by the way. I need to play with people who suck worse than me. ;) J left this am which blows but I will see him in 3 weeks and then 3 weeks later, I am there. All is good. All is very very good.

So there it is, folks. That's where I am right now - sober, still losing, happy, focused, determined, and ready to go. Wish me luck. :)