Thinking back

When I first started this whole surgery adventure, I remmeber looking at people's blogs or websites or posts online and seeing things about how they had lost 100 poiunds in their first 6 months, blah blah blah. At 2 months out, losing like 30 pounds or whatever, I couldn;t imaghine this happening. In a million years. Here I am, 5 and a half months out, having lost like 86 pounds total and 65 since surgery. Am I at the high end of the scale? Definitely not. But I have managed to lose a considerable amount of weight. So what should I have done differently to speed this up? Exercise. I can;t say it enough. I would be so much lower than I am right now if I had just gotten past my laziness and started a regular exercise routine. I kick myself everyday that I didn;t start early and yet I still don't. Not sure what my problem is - I know I should do it. I have follow through issues. I know I do. Not everyone out there follows the best path for themselves - me especially. I have never done what's best for me - in any part of my life. I am a big self-sabotager. Not sure why, but I am. Well, either that or I am just the laziest person on earth. That could be it.

What else to share with the world? As of yesterday, I was at 198.4. That is exciting. My numbers are still going down. Hopefully I will never have to see that 2 infront of my weight ever again. I am down to a size 16 or so - some are too big, some are too small, but I am there. I can shop in some normal stores. I don;t have to go to the plus size section at old navy anymore. I can eat most stuff but still have issues with rice and bread.I shouldn;t be eating them anyway. I need to remmeber protein first, veggies second, carbs third, if at all. I still love food, is the problme. I love the taste and the feeling of chewing it and all that stuff. That will never go away, I suppose. Don;t expect it to, people. It doesn't.

Life is good. Life is going. Life is carrying me alng with it sometimes but I am holding on and managing to stay on the ride. I need to get back inthe driver's seat again. If I had a dollar for everytime I have thoguht something like that and not doen it, I wouldn;t have to stay at my crappy job anymore.

199.6

What kind of title is that? What does that even mean?? Well, my friends and fans, it means that I got ont he scale Saturday morning and looked down and saw that number. It was way early and was up for no reason and decided to weigh myself before I got in the shower and I literally gasped. I was alone at, like, 7:45 on a Saturday morning and, holy shit. I did it. I am below 200. Not a lot below but I don;t care!! And, best part - I still was today! I managed to not weigh myself yesterday cuz I didn;t want to see it any higher. But this morning I was, again, 199.6. Kind of an odd number to hover at but I don;t give a fuck! It is below 200 and I never wanna see that 2 again. Might I? Yes. I know that. But if so, only briefly. I am so proud of me. I am doing this. Even when I think I am not, I am.

Viva la 100's bitches!!! :)

advice

I got a great email today from a great woman with some great advice. I need to start looking into what is making me be all crazy. I am going to have to start adding and removing things from my daily life to test what is going on to make me feel this way. Sadly, one thing that I can cut out failry easily that I am sure will make somewhat of a difference is my love, caffeine. I don;t want to get rid of it but I think it is an easy test to take. Tomorrow morning that will begin. I already had my morning latte today.

I need to keep walking. I need to keep exercising and working out to feel better. I need to find something to get me to a new place - weight-wise and emotionally. My advisor suggested meditation or yoga but I just can;t get there. I think the time I spend walking and thinking is good for me. I need to take my ipod off every once in a while and just think, though. I have a lot to think about.

I am feeling kinda shaken and unknown right now. I don;t like that feeling. I felt like I knew what was coming for me and now I have no idea. I don;t know for sure that the weight is going to come off. I feel almost as if I am sabotaging myself right now. Why would I do that? Why now? It's my protective covering, I suppose. It's my wall. I don;t like to let down my walls. When I do, I tend to get hurt. They didn;t build walls around castles for nothing - they keep you safe. But they also keep you isolated. I don;t want to isolate myself. I want to be exposed and open so that all of the things that bring me happiness can find me. I hope I don;t put my walls back up. I hope I let my protective covering fall. It's a hard thing to do, though. You spend your whole life building this thing, this barrier, and now you have to dismantle it piece by piece. It's gonna take a while, I know. I am going to keep working on it though. I have to.

It is so hard to get well

So I attempted to start therapy on Tuesday. The doc was great, totally meshed, felt like maybe something will really come out of this and all that. Well, apparently he is out of my hmo network. How much could it cost, right? $180 a session. Fuck that. So yesterday I began my search for an in-network therapist. I managed to get a call back form one woman who I am going to meet with on Monday at 5. I am excited. Her office is also like way close to mine so it will be really easy to see her and everything. I hope this does what I need it to. I really do.

My ups and downs

Normally, a title like that would indicate a post abotu my weight. Well, not today. Today I am here to discuss something else: my emotional rollercoaster I seem to always be on. I tend to start out the day in a great mood. I am smiling, I am happy, I am ready to take on the world. As the hours pass and the day goes on, things just kind of darken. It can take only minutes for my mood to shift into this fucked up hole that I can;t seem to climb out of. Why does this happen to me? I just want stability. Damn that is a running theme in my life. I have always just wanted stability, balance. I am such a fucking Libra.

So, yeah. My mood? Changing at the drop of a hat lately. I hate it - when I am in a crappy mood for no reason. I mean, c'mon - I am happy to be all grumpy and fucked up if there is a cause but for no reason at all? Hell no. I deserve more than that. Maybe therapy will help get me past that too. I fucking hope so.

ugly trackers are back!

I figured I would share with all of you the ugly weight loss tracker i just made. yeah, i am bored.



i was at 200.4 this morning. my body is taunting me.

Great weekend...

I was in LA this weekend for holiday goodness - Passover seder and all that jazz. I had a great time. :) Jason came to meet my fam on Friday night and he was a hit. He also LOVED my family which made me totally happy. A good rule of thumb is if you can hang with my fam, you will be able to hang with me. Well, it worked. Not only did he totally get along with moll and les, but Chuck awarded him Best Smile of the Night. :) That;s my wonderful man...

In turn, I met J's fam on Sunday. They switched their Easter plans around so we could do brunch so I could be there. It was so nice. His family was great. I met his mom who is so sweet. She is so normal! It was crazy - where the hell did my wonderfully weird, loud, crazy Jason come from?? His brother, who is SO his brother, and his siter in law were there with thei 2 boys. They were all great. I am used to being around boys who are totally insane but these guys were just great. We had brunch and went back to his brother's house so the kids could hunt for easter eggs. It was great. It was great watching J interact with his fam, it was great to be a part of it. It was all totally fun and easy and really really nice. I apprently passed the test, too. :) I am in.

I got to see Alan and Sherri which was great. I got to hang with Moll and Les, althoguh never as much as I want to. I got to see my mom but only for a little bit. Saturday nighth seder at my grandparent's was fun but weird without my dad there for the first time. I really missed him a lot. Oh! I totally found the afikomen at seder at Moll's on friday night!! That is only the second time in my life I have found it. I feel so accomplished.

After seder on Saturday night, I went to Elisa's 30th bday party. :) I am so glad I am 6 months younger! haha J met me there a little after I arrived. He brought me Tab energy drink!!!! He knows me oh so well. First thing he has ever bought me - rousing success. :) We hung til like 1:30 or so then drove back to his place and had a fun rest of our evening - even though we stayed up waaaay too late.

All in all? Great fucking weekend. I feel really good right now and I feel really happy. Oh, by the way - I woke up this am and opened my suitcase to get soemthing to wear to work today and discovered that Jason had slipped his old hockey jersey into my stuff without me knowing. :) Yes, it's on loan but it is so nice to have a piece of him with me at home. It was so perfect. I loved finding something of his among all these things of mine. He is so cool...

I am obese!!

I was online today and decided to look up my body mass index (BMI) to see where I am falling these days. Well, I am happy to say that I am no longer morbidly obese or super obese! How awesome is that?? I started this at 49, I think and am now down to a little above 35. Soon, I will only be overweight! I never thougth I would be so happy to be obese. I am also well below the point where I would qualify for gastric bypass surgery, unless I had SEVERE comorbidities like crazy diabetes and stuff. Yay for me!

I walked to work again this mroning after not moving all weekend. I was actually looking forward to coming in just so I culd do the walk. If the weather holds, I will walk home today too. Tomorrow the walk in isn't gonna happen cuz I have to look all nice for the board meeting but I will bring my tennies and walk home instead. I love this!!

Oh, my scale refuses to move below 200.2 and it even put me up to like 201.something this morning. Bastard.

Weekend whatever

So I spent the weekend with some serious downtime. I spent yesterday on a bit of a people-free thing. I just wsn't in the mood to speak or explain ro anything much at all. I napped a bunch and didn't really leave my bed for muhc at all. Depression? Probably. Reasons why? Not entirely sure. You all know me and my funks I fall into. I am digging my way out of it, though. I got up this morning and immediately got to doing the dishes - it was awesome. Then, for some weird reason, i decided i wanted to cook something. I know - I am scary. I had this jar of sauce from TJ's for a one pot chili so i defrosted some chicken and cut it up. I threw some olive oil and chopped garlic in a pot and fried it up. It smelled so good in my house!! I threw in the chicken and browned it. Yep, I actually browned meat. I know. It's crazy. I was a little in awe of me too. I threw in a can of kidney beans and finally the sauce and let it cook for a half hour or so then simmered it for a bit longer. It is actually kinda good. Now I just need to freeze some so I have it for later.

Sundays are better than Saturdays for me for some reason. I can't wait for it to be tomorrow so I can get moving again and walk to work. I can't seem to motivate on the weekends to do much of anything. Give me too much time to think and I tend to dig myself into a hole. I am trying to dig my way out, don't worry. I am past the point where I will let myself wallow. Tomorrow, first thing, I am calling the therapists I got referalls for and setting up an appointment. I need some head shrinkage. It can't hurt and at this point, I am pretty sure it will do a lot for me. I need it.

Walk on home, boy.

I did it again. I walked to work this morning. I love this. I walked 2 miles on Wednesday, 4 miles yesterday and then 2 miles so far today. It is feeling damn good. Not the mopst exciting blog entry ever but I wanted to share my excitement. :)

I Walk the Line

Well, I walk in a straight line. Mostly. Last night I started on a new endeavor. I decided that on days when weather allows, I am going to walk home from work. It's about 2 miles and it took me about 40-45 minutes. It was great. It felt good to just walk and clear my head and enjoy the sunshine. It isn't hilly so I wasn;t all yucky sweaty ro anything. I did work up a sweat but I was still comfortable in my jacket. It was great.

You know what's even better? The fact that I did it again this morning!!! I woke up at 6:45 or so to take Allison to the aiport. I got up and got ready, drove her to sfo, came back, dropped off her car, grabbed a scarf and gloves and I was off. It was, again, totally great! It just felt good to be moving. It took me like 42 minutes or somethng - time I should have used to come in early and finish the sork I have been putting off for weeks - but I decided it was worth it for me to invest that time in myself. I am worth it.

So yeah, that's 4 miles in the last 2 days. I have exercise back in my life! Yay! I am so happy with things right now. I am working hard on my weight loss and my health, I am so happy having Jason in my life, I am loving my plans for the future, I am working hard to plan for things and trying not to let anythng get out of control. Last night, per jason's, um, advice, I spent 30 minutes just cleaning my room when I got home. I didn;t have to clean it all, I just did 30 minutes. That was it wasn;t such an overwhelming task. I then spent 30 minutes finishing another project I had been wanting to complete. Just spending those little blocks of time - what amounts to one tv show, really - made things so much easier. I felt a little more relaxed in my surroundings and a lot more in charge of my life. That chaotic noise that usually swirls around me quieted down a bit. I needed that. I like the quiet.

i am useless when i am tired

I need to sleep. Not sleeping makes me emotionally unstable. I hate the beginning of daylight savings time.

Countdown

I am starting to get antsy. I have been slowly creeping down towards the under 200 mark and it feel slike it will never get here. This morning I was 200.8 pounds. Ack! I just want to lose that one more pound. I am not going to weigh myself until Friday, I think, so that it will just happen like *poof* next time I weigh. I am so excited.

I tried on a bunch of Allison's skirts last night in size 16 - they all pretty much fit me. It is so weird to me. I can go into so mnay more stores now and buy clothes. I don;t need to just got to Lane Bryant and Torrid. I am excited to got New York and Co. Allison always finds such cute stuff there. I just wish my body shape wasn;t so warped. I mean, I definitely have some weird stuff going on in terms of skin. Like, I am pretty sure my bra size is totally off because of it all - I just want to get down to a 38 something so I can shop at Victoria's secret or anywhere like that. In time, I know.

What else? I have been feeling pretty good. Jason fed me delicious things all weekend and with the exception of a half a sandwich I ate too close to my coffee, I did great. The sandwich incident wasn't even so bad - just too much food in too short of a time. My own fault but something to be paid attention to nonetheless. I do notice that most of my puking episodes involve alcohol to some extent. I don;t know if I just don;t pay attention to how I eat when I am drunk, tipsy, whatever, or if physically my body doesn;t want food. I had an episode monday night after our museum opening - I had been drinking wine and then came home and had soup. The soup did not stay down. I might also be more apt to bring food back up to relieve any sick feeling when I am drunk. I just get impatient and instead of waiting out the yucky feeling, I just get it out of me. Hmm. INteresting thought.

That is me for now. I am happy and healthy and learnign new things about me everyday. I am still jumping through hoops to try and get into therapy - sometimes the HMO system sucks. I will keep pushing.