Striving to Attain Perfection

You want to know how to make something go wrong? Try and make it perfect. It is impossible.Life isn;t perfect - that is what makes it interesting. Think about it - your best memories, are they of those times when everything was planned and plotted out and supposedly perfect? I definitely doubt that. They are those days when you ended up going to the park on a whim or you were supposed butthen it rained and youended up having a great in-house day. It is moments like those -the unplanned, the mistakes, the rained out moments - that stay with you.

Don;t plan for perfection, people. Just go and be who you are and do what you do. If you do those things, everything goes as life planned. Don't doubt that.

It was no fluke.

So, I went shopping last night for a few cute new things - it was necessary, believe me. So I got home from work, dropped off the mail, grabbed Allison's car key and took off. Thankfully, the world was traffic free (yay!) and I got to the mall by like 5:45. It was great. So I park easily (I was having great travel karma!) and get in the mall, make a beeline for Torrid, get inside and... ahhhh. Such cute clothes everywhere. Love it. So I start grabbing things to try on - a few skirts, some tops, a shrug or 2; you know, the usual. I gather my million size 18 things and I begin the trying on session. The first skirt gets put on - it is way cute but it just fits weird. The back kinda sticks out too much and stuff. I put my hands on the waistband and realize I can gather it quite a bit. I had a moment in the dressing room where I was just like, "Wait. No way. I think I need a... a size 16?!" It was so cool. I went out into the store and grabbed a 16 off the rack, brought it back in and, yep. It fit perfectly. I am so excited. I could probably squeeze into a 14 if I needed to. Not comfortably but still. Wow.

food stuff and me

I went through a weird phase a couple weeks ago - I didn;t really eat. I had no appetite at all. I would say it was really like 4 weeks ago but it lasted for a few weeks. I was content to live on lattes and protein drinks. I had no desire for solid food at all. I definitely got a lot of shit for it from certain people (Jason, ahem!) and have been labeled a non-eater. I do eat. I don't eat as much as I should on some days, or what I should be eating, I guess.

I really do try. I am now one of those freaks who will "forget" to eat. Who the hell does that?? Well, I do, now. I have tried to just be all strict about my foods every day - protein drink as soon as I get to work, latte mid morning, cottage cheese and pineapple for lunch, protein or string cheese at like 4 (sometimes another latte), and then dinner. Now dinner can get a little shifty. Most of the time I try to at least have soup. I do end up with leftovers a lot, obviously. Last week it was beans and cheese. This week it is Chinese food. I just wish I cooked. I wish I could say I was having leftovers of chicken breast and green beans or delicious homemade veggie soup or something.

I keep saying I will try to do that kind of stuff and it still just fall sby the wayside. Where di my whole recommitment thing go? I did have 2 protein drinks yesterday - that was a recommitment. And I will do the same today. I am trying to find my energy in vitamins and protein rather than caffeine. Baby steps, right?

I just need to keep looking at each day as its own. If I look at it as the rest of my life ti gets overwhelming and small at the same time. It is easy to skip a vitamin if i know i will take one every other day for the rest of my life. I can;t be thinking like that. I need to do this every day. Yes, it is hard. Much harder than I though tit was gonna be. 82 pounds, though. 82 pounds since August. I think I can do what I need to do today for 82 pounds.

New Hair!

I went and got my hair done last night - cut and color - with a new guy and I love it!

I also am posting a scomparison pic from when I redid my hair originally last summer. Such a difference...

yay!!!!

I just got the best phone call ever. :) My friend Mandie - one of the greatest people i have ever known in all of my life - is now engaged to Jason, one of the greatest guys I have had the pleasure of knowing (although not nearly as well but I intend to remedy that). I am so f'ing excited!!!! This is so great!!

Mandie's Jason seriously wins a fucking medal for the amount of effort he put into this. He had a limo surprise her at work, under the guise of her meeting some friend of a co-worker downstairs. He totally arranged it all with both her Boston and NY officess - so crazy! The limo had a dozen Dahlias in it -0 her fave flower - and took her to the Prudential Building, the site of a fateful meeting for them. She gets out of the limo and there is Jason. :) And he proposes. The ring is supposedly beautiful - I can;t wait to see it. Oh and Mandie said yes. :) Then Jason rented out a Duck Boat and they cruised around Boston Harbor. They are then going to dinner at the restaurant where they had their first date, 2 years ago today. :) Seriously - what a great fucking story.

Here's to Mandie and Jason and their fab life together. I can;t wait to harass them as a married couple. Yay!!!!

Another Update

I figured it might be a good time to do the picture comparison, too. :) The bottom pic is me with Mandie and Bunny at Amy's wedding on September 30, 2005. The top pic is me in Vegas last weekend. It is hard not to see the change when you put those pics next to eachother.I will try to do a little retrospective of me over time. We'll see how much time I need to waste at work tomorrow. :) Maybe that will wait til the 6 month update.

An Update on the To-Do List

In August of 2005, I posted a to-do list of things I want to do post-surgery. Here's the update:

Cross my legs - done!
shop at betsey johnson
sit in the middle on an airplane - done! I was comfy and fine. And I can put the tray down now, too!!Ride piggyback
run
live on a hilly street
sit in any resaturant booth - DONE!
sit in a hammock with someone
sit in any seat on the train - People never move away from me anymore
use a regular bath towel - Except the ones at the Confort Inn, I do ok.
buy shoes that are pretty instead of comfortable - So fucking done.
go to vegas with 20 bucks and last an entire weekend
not fill out an entire chair - Chairs get oddly bigger when you lose weight
paint my own toenails comfortably - done and will be doing so tonight
try snowboarding/surfing
get up easily from indian style on the floor - Done. Getting out of the bath is a cinch now too.
hike - I want to and know I can, just haven't done it.
go to an amuseument park and not worry about fitting on all the rides - Know I can, haven't gone yet.
have a "little black dress"
borrow a sweatshirt/jacket from someone regardless of who it is
wear heels to work - Every day, baby!!
hop a fence (Why did I want to do this?? lol)
play on the swings at the park - I need to go to the park soon!!
eat in public and not feel like I am being stared at
do online dating and be overwhelmed by emails (Not really caring about this anymore)
run into someone from my past and not be recognized
sit and hug my knees
do yoga
see my shoulder blades
ride a bike
have "one size fits all" fit me too!
fit into a hospital gown - Done!
dance all f'ing night again
get picked up and swung around - picked up, yes. Swung? Gimme a few more months.
rollerskate in the park
see an outfit in a store window and know I could just go in and buy it
Get a mani/pedi and not be uncomfortable - Know I can, now I just need to get my ass in for one.

I feel good. I feel accomplished. Do I have more thngs I want to do? Absolutely. Do I know I still have a very long way to go? Sure. Am I proud of what I have accomplished so far? Totally.

I am feeling like my journey has taken a new path. I am strivign for health as much as vanity now. I don;t just want to be thin, I want to be healthy. I want to be active. I am renewing my commitment ot take my protein everyday and my vitamins and my calcium. I am going to try and eat more diverse foods and make healthier choices. I am going to make a decision to start exercising again - whatever I might choose as that exercise. I want to come out of this as strong as I can. I want to come out of this a better me, not just a smaller me.

bad moments

you know those days that start out great and then by the end of the day you are just like, "who the fuck was that person this morning??" I was so content. I was so happy. I was so on the road to feeling normal again. Well, now I feel awful. Not physically, just mentally and emotionally. I lash out at people who don;t deserve it AT ALL and I can;t concentrate to get any work done. I just hate feeling this way. I want to just feel like me. I don;t feel at all like me.

Photo Vegas continued

Here's a little taste of the craziness... That solo one of me giving the finger? That's at 11am on Saturday folks. Haven't gone to bed yet.

The Weight

It keeps dropping. I don;t know why, 4 months out, I am still surprised at it. Weird. So, this morning I weighed and was shocked to see that the damn thing said 203.2. Huh. Wow. I am almost under 200. I am totally excited. Shocked, but excited. Since August I am down 81.8 pounds and since surgery i am down 60.8 pounds. Holy shit, people.

photo vegas

until andrea sends me her pics, this is all you get. mind you this is at 12:35am on saturday and we stayed up til noon that day. the pix got way blurrier.

vegas report

well, a few things came out of this weekend.

First, I love Andrea and she is fucking rockin'. She is funny and smart adn so my hetero lifemate. She will laugh hysterically with me but also be a great ear when i need one so badly. Kudos to my Andrea on being amazing.

Second, Jason is really the greatest man I have ever met. I am contsatntly amazed at how clearly he sees things and how honest he is about everything. He is so incredible. He just gets me so well and I am so thankful that he still cares so much about me even though I am so obviously flawed. I can;t wait to get to spend my life with him.

Third, never doubt a hunch. All weekend I was convinced I was gonna get a royal flush on video poker - that is the best you can do. That is 4000 credits if you are betting max, which I was. Well, Sunday, working on day 2 of the same hangover, while sitting at the Thirsty Camel after giving up on blackjack cuz I was worried I might puke on the table, I did it. Andrea was standing next to me, I was dealt an ace, queen, ten of diamonds along with 2 other shitty cards. I threw away the 2 shitty cards and lo and behold - the jack, king of diamonds comes up. I almost peed myself. I won $1000 on quarter video poker. It was insane. It was a coup. A thousand dollars. That money redeemed the weekend. It made it ok that I had lost $600. It made it ok that Andrea and I were so sick from staying up til noon drinking on saturday. It ade it ok that I make some crappy judgement calls. It made it all ok. iT even made my hangover go away for like a good half hour. A thousand dollars.

So, here's to Vegas and the money I won. Here's to my Andrea who met her future husband this weekedn (he thinks he can beat me at trivial pursuit, isn;t that adorable??). Here's to Jason and all that he is. Here's to being hom and starting to finally feel normal again. I figure by the end of the week I will actually feel right.

A thousand dollars.

vegas vegas ve-gas!

so excited for vegas!!! i leave tomorrow night to go spend a wonderful, fun filled wekeend in vegas with andrea. woo hoo!!! i am hoping i win like i did last time. I will keep my betting strategy (courtesy of Canadian Rob) going and hope for the best.

We are going to dinner on Friday night at Mix at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay. It is absolutely gorgeous and the menu looked ok for my veggie friend. :) I am excited to have a lovely drink (chopin up, ice cold with a twist) and a delicious bit of food. I love that Andrea and I have discovered the joy of the fabulous dinner in Vegas. It is fun to get all pretty and go out on the town. :) Of course we always end up back at our beautiful Sahara. Oh she takes such good care of us.

Tonight I need to gather my outfits for the trip. I am hoping I can still wear some of the things I wore last time. How rad that they may all be too big on me!!? Yay! I really do feel different this time. I feel smaller and sexier and just more girly than ever. It doesn;t hurt that I found someone who thinks I am so hot and so cool, all at the same time.

Viva La Vegas, bitches!!!!!

i am sorry, what size are those pants??

So i just got some green cords inthe mail that i got on clearance on torrid.com. I opened them and was like, "fuck, i ordered a 16??" So I decided to try them on anyway. They totally fit me!!!! I can wear a size 16 pants. OK, maybe I can only wearthose specific 16 pants. I have to go shopping. I must find out! I don;t have any size 16s laying around - I don;t remember the last time I was that size. Holy shit. Thank god my mom is sending me a little something to out towards som clothes. This is fucking fantastic. Wow.

I'm comin' home...

I know there are a few of you out there who have been waiting a while to hear this but.. I am moving back to LA. Come September, you all get me back. I am going to live with my wonderful Andrea in the cutest house in the world, over in Burbank. I am finally going to get my shit together and get started on cosmetology school. I am thinking I will go to SMC but I am also going to look at Pasadena too. It will be a shorter commute. SMC's cosmetology program is supposed to be pretty good, though. I have time to figure it out.

So yeah, people. Get ready for me. If anyone knows of a cheap car for sale, tell me. That is the one crazy expense I am going to have. Keep an eye out, people. I need your help on this one!!

Oh yeah and I kow I am gonna get the eye rolling about moving here for a boy. I am moving to LA for my future. I am moving for school and my friends and a lot of other stuff. Jason is an important part of it but I am doing it for more than just him so y'all can shut up. By the way, have I told youhow amazing he is in the last 10 minutes? Cuz he is. :)

thine eyes...

There is something up with my eyes. I keep seeing all blurry and sometimes kind fo double. It also makes me dizzy which sucks. I will call the nurse on duty nuber tomorrow to see if they can tell me anything but I have no idea what is going on. It definitely doesn't feel good. I have also been totally exhausted as of late but not sleeping well, also. It's pretty frustrating. Ugh.

Weight update - 207.4 as of this morning. I am getting so close to the one hundreds. I am so excited for that. My friend Kim cleaned out her old clothes and I wernt over there Friday night and tried on a bunch of clothes. I came home with 2 huge bags of clothes; I am stoked. I also had so much fun with Kim, she is really cool. I am glad she came to work with me. :)

Saturday I hung out with Sunny - I missed her so much. We went and saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party. It fucking rocked. The music in it was so good and Dave Chappelle is so funny - I almost spit coffee out my nose twice during the movie. Go see it or rent it when it comes out. It was so worth seeing.

That's myh Sunday. I am tired and I am getting into my bed right now.

Amazing People

My new favorite feeling is this freedom I have been given. Being involved with someone to whom I know I belong and will take care of me and keep me warm but at the same time, I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jaosn knows I will always come home to him. I know I will always come home to him - there isn't a doubt in my mind. I guess that is what happens when you meet that person that you just click with; that person you know you just get to be yourself with. Hell, I have to be myself. Being me is how I ended up here. I like belonging to Jason.

Hire me!

Please. Someone out there. You know you need an incredibly capable, smart, funny, responsible, motivated, computer literate and then some, office whiz to come work for you. I don;t care what the job is. Honestly. It need only pay upwards of $40k/year and be commutable for me. My only requirements are health insurance and I prefer you not be a raging psycho bitch who turns their mood swings on me. That si seriously my only requirement. Need a snow shoveler? Cool. Persnal shopper? I'm your girl. Sandwich artist? I have no problem with that. Just get me out of here.

I kind of yelled back today finally. It felt good. 6 months. I have to last 6 miserable months. Thank god the rest of things are going so well. I am down to 208.2 as of this morning. That is exciting. I stumbled upon Jason. That rocks. I am wearing really cute boots that I can finally wear cuz I got jeans that re long enough, even if they are a size too big. I downloaded good music to listen to to soothe my anger. I am now going to go to Starbucks for my nf sfv latte - I might go decaf though.

Fuckin' Thursday. I am pretty sure I am getting sick.

so here is the real deal...

I was in LA last weekend and somethng incredible happened. I think I may have met the man I have been looking for my entire life. He is amazing. He is funny. He is really really funny. He is so hot. He is remarkable. We met and it wa slike, yeah, ok, you are it. Seriously, kids? I am so happy right now I feel like I might explode. He is honest and smart and funny and cute and did i mention totally hot? His name is Jason, yu will probaby end up hearing about him a lot. (by the way, I will toleratew the first round of phone calls asking for more info. I understand that this is a weird forum to tell soem of you about this.)
So he lives in LA, Thousand Oaks, actually. Yeah, I know, another reason for me to come back to LA. Connie hasn;t exactly been making me want to saty in SF either so little does sh know, she is contributing to me getting closer to Jason. Isn;t that nice of her?
So this man is amazing, people. He is pretty much everything I have been looking for my entire life. Yeah. I said it.
Ever meet someone who does everything exactly how you wantit? I mean the physical, emotional, mental, humor, everything. He says things to me about stuff I haven;t even said outloud yet. I am constantly in awe of him and who he is...
Bunny kept telling me I would find him eventually. I nodded and was positive but I never really believed her. I figured I would have to settle eventually. After meeting Jaosn, I am not settling. I refuse. I don;t want something else when I know he is out there. You guys are gonna love him.

Updates!

Just thought I would let y'all know abotu my latest coup. I weighed this am after a not very food filled weekend and... 210. 2 fucking 10. I am down 75 pounds since last august. I feel good. I look good. I am coning up on somwe times when i get to see people I haven;t in a while. Things are progressing somothly, folks. Come on over and join in my bliss.

Found

I was in LA this weekend to be with my friend Elisa. To distract and humor and anything else she needed me to do. Well, guess what? I went for her but all I can do is thank her. She introduced to me to how things are supposed to be, I feel like. I know I am vague on here sometimes about stuff but it is usually just because I am not really wanting to put everything out to all of you all the time. Don't get me wrong, I obviously want my life out there to some extent; I wouldn't be putting my shit on display like I do if I wasn't ready to share. Let me just say this about this wekend: I am back in SF tonight knowing that I can trust and believe and give and all that will come of it is good. I was taught that by someone absolutely incredible and I am forever changed because of it. You know those moments in life when everything just stops? Well, I totally stumbled into that place and I am going to stay here for as long as I fucking can. I love it here.