Really? This is what I was looking forward to?

I am back on the anti-dating campaign. Staying single, this one is, for some time to come. The great date from last week, remember him? Yeah. He never called. Why tell someone you want to see them again, ask when they are free, and then just disappear? So weird. I guess I am just more straightforward than that. If you aren't stoked on someone, just say thank, take care. That isn't so hard. Whatever. I guess East coast boys are exactly the same as the West coast ones. That makes it 2 for 2. I am not a second date kinda girl, I guess.

Weekend fun? Pretty much movies and naps. I did watch a FABULOUS documentary - Murderball. You all must see this movie. It was so good. It was funny and action packed and pretty freakin' cool. Most of the guys in the movie are way hot, too. :) Doesn't hurt, right? It's about a bunch of guys who play Quad Rugby - basically quadrapalegics smashing into eachother in these crazy, Mad Max wheelchairs. I watched every single special feature they had on that disc - I didn't want it to end. Put it on your netflix queue immediately.

Today I plan to enjoy this stormy day with my coffee in hand, reote inthe other hand, and tryong to shoo away these cats I live with who seem to feel the need to sit on me constantly - not near me, mind you, but on me. It gets old.

Weighed this am with the heavy heart of an awful week and found that I am down more. 213.6 as of today. This makes it official - I am down over 50 pounds since surgery. I am so excited. I feel like I have gotten smaller int he last couple weeks too. The size 20 jeans are getting that look and I have been moving into my size 18s. I think I can feel my collarbones and my shoulders are definitely squarer than they been since I was in my early 20's. That part feels great. Knowing the weight is coming off again is keeping me going. I have been trying to get past a lot of food=comfort issues lately. I still want to order pizzas and eat pints of ice cream fr entertainment. I am trying to be more diligent in my calorie intake and cut down on snacking again. Exercise is still a hard task for me to tackle. I just can't figure out how to get it back in my life as a constant. I just feel like all I have to give right now is work then sloth. I come home and put on my pjs and turn on the tv. I just don't see me doing anything else. It's hard right now - it is glaringly obvious to me that I don;t have a friend base in this city. I do ok at work - I have one good friend there - but once the day is over, that is that. Al is in NJ right now but even when she isn't she has her gf that she is on the phone with a lot of the time. I just want the usuals around. I want people to hang with and socialize with and all that stuff. I wantthings to do, ya khnow? No one ants to do the stuff I would want to do so I have no one saying, C'mon, it's pub quiz night!", or "Hey, let's just hang out today." Such is life right now. Maybe spring will bring something new for me. Who knows?

Connie Made Me Cry.

The last person who made me cry in a work related capacity was Rip Torn.

Ya know, I thought I was impervious to her temper. I thought I didn't care when she yelled and screamed and accused me of fucking up everything all the time. I thought that I didn't care when she judged me solely on the last thing I did - only when it is a mistake - and doesn't think about any of the things I took care of for her aside from that one thing. She just pushes and pushes and gets so angry and doesn;t censor herself at all. I know that is wrong. I know that is unprofessional. I know that is why most of the people in this office hate her. I also know that she can;t always mean it. I know that it is just her being stressed out. I thought I knew how to brush it off but I guess this morning it was just too much.

Connie doesn't care about anyone's time but her own. Yesterday, in the span of 9 hours (I worked 8-6 yesterday and I mean I fucking WORKED)I made 54 packets, made travel arrangements for like 5 legs of a trip including for a building model, found her any image that she decided she wanted (I was fielding requests like, "I want pictures of Board members doing stuff), I helped with her Powerpoint presentation, I briefed her on the Board Retreat tomorrow, I dealt with private jets and airports. I dealt with Beverly Hills security and a very whiny French assistant in New York. Now, in all of the stuff I had to do over the course of yesterday, I would say about 90% of it could have been doen over the course of last week if Connie had just taken 10 seconds to make decisions, or at least tell me to do stuff!! The ground transportation arrangements?? Like she didnt know she needed that before?? She is so secretive about her shit then expects me to know what I am supposed to do. WTF???

I don;t know how much longer I am going to last here. I will stay until I get my friggin' retroactive raise from OCTOBER and then the planning continues. I am sure I am not going anywhere... I will just whine about it and keep taking it. Pathetic.

Mood Swings

When things are good, they are so freakin' good. Mind you, I am having the craziest work week of my life here. There is a major major event every day this week, all of which I am required to set up. You know what, though? I don't care! I am gettign shit done and then it will all be over in 3 days. Where is the craziness in that? I am feeling quite a bit of my Libra balance right now.

Met a great boy, too. Had a great date. Seeing him again this week. It gives me hope about the guys in SF. He is is originally fromt he East coast so it's not giving me too much hope. :)

What else... ooh! As of Saturday I was down to 216.6. C'mon everyone, let's do the math. I am down 68.4 pounds since August and 47.8 pounds since November 15. I am on a good road here. It feels good. I am starting to feel like a new me. I am glad to have gotten to the point where my previous weight doesn't phase me. I will tell anyone what I used to weigh (obviously!) and not even care. The new boy asked, politely of course, and I told him. I just don;t care. I don't weigh that anymore. I will never weigh that again. That is some person I don't even know anymore. She was cool, don;t get me wrong; I am just cooler. :)

Calm down everyone...

I am taking my meds again. Don't worry. After a panicked phone call from my mom this morning, I realized I should tellyou guys that all is ok. Work is more hectic than it has ever been for me but I am managing. I have a date on Sunday with a new guy who seems pretty cool and hopefully another date with the great guy from last week. I am hoping for the best but expecting the worst, per usual.

I had a blast tonight hanging with Steve who is in town from Humboldt. He rocks. Tomorrow we are going to flea markets and stuff, I hope. Tomnorrow night I am supposed to go out with my friend (coworker) Jenn and her friends for her bday. Tjen Sunday I am going to see Tash and Louis and the girls. I am excited. I am loking forward to a good weekend. Hope you all have the same. :)

Who needs their meds?

Um, I need my meds. I am on day 2 sans lexapro and, well, not good. I ran out and then called inm y rx and then forgot to get it and now I have it but didn;t take take it at work and now I am home and don;t have any. I am starting the feel the stifling effects of me with out my meds. I had a date planned for tonight - nothing big, some guy who answered my CL ad, and I cancelled it. I can't imagine formaing sentences right now. Fuck, I don't even want to speak right now. It is amazing that I decided to write something at all but I figured this was therapeutic or something. Besides, I have shit to share.

I went for my 3 month ceckup wit my surgeon today. All is good. e is appy wit my progress. According to their scales I was 221. According to my ome scale this morning I was 218.4. The teens. Huh. Interesting place to be. I was thrilled earlier but now I can't think of how to be happy so I will be matter of fact about it. I also went shopping the other night with Allison and I bought my first piece of 14/16 clothing. It is a fluke, I know it, but it still was cool. I bought some great stuff (thanks Bunny).

I think I need to have some dinner, wash my face and just be done with today. I will take my meds tomorrow, don't worry. I alse rediscovered my fave album of years ago, American Thighs by Veruca Salt. Damn I love this album.

Our only summer.

Today is one of those days that, even sitting at my computer with my back to my window which faces a stucco wall, I can still feel exactly how beautiful it is outside. I have the perfect breeze coming in on me. It is the perfect temperature at my desk, for once! I can feel exactly what it woul dbe like to be lying on a chaise, under the protection of some beautiful cabana, next to one of those incredible sparkling pools you only see in movies about LA that were made in the 80's. It's times like this that i forget how much I hate putting on a bathing suit. I forget how I prefer the rain and cold to a bright, sunny afternoon. I forget that I am paler than anyone I have seen in quite a while.

I want to be laying under that amazing Cypress tree in the middle of the Botanical Gardens. I want to take a nap in the sun. Maybe this afternoon calls for a walk and a possible tan line.

Who's nervous?!

It was great. Thanks for asking. :)

Nerve removal

Is it possible to have your nervousness removed?? I guess some people call it alcohol. Not wanting to go that route. I have a date tonight and I can't get past my nervousness. It is kind of warm out today so I am slightly sweaty and that always makes me flustered.
I don't know what to wear - I brought a possible shirt but it shows my arms too much and they are definitely the first victim in the loose skin battle. I could wear a sweater but it is like 75 degrees outside right now. I coul djust wear what I wore to work with is a long sleeved white tshirt from Target. I mean, I might as well be upfront about the fact that this is pretty much what I will always look like. Ugh, I hate this. I brought my flat iron and all of my makeup but not any face soap so I can have a clean slate. I will just have to work around what is already on my face. I have 9 lipsticks/glosses sitting on my desk and I hate every single one of them right now. I am not feeling like I am particularly skinny today, either, so that doesn't help with the confidence.
Whose bright idea was it to get out there and start dating again? That person is an idiot.

I might barf. Oh wait, I did.

So, I can't eat sushi. We went out for sushi to celebrate the completion of Allison's big grad school applications. We went to Blowfish. It was such a cool place. The decor was great, the drinks were fantastic (Chopin up, shaken iced cold with a twist) and the sushi tasted great. Well, it did upon impact but then all went wrong. I got that familiar feeling in my stomach/chest/wherever and I politely excused myself for a little bulemic episode. It's ok. At least I got to eat a piece of sushi. I came back and ate the inside of my negi hama roll (Chopped hamachi with green onions) and had another little bit of my sashimi. It was all good. I figure, in the future, I can always try to order the inside of a negi hama roll - sometimes sashimi is just too hardcore for me.

All in all, it was a learning experience and it was better to learn it with Allison and Lisa than out in the world.

Blood, Sweat and Beers

This weekend I watched a documentary that may have changed my life. Maybe that is going a little too far but I seriously laughed so freakin' hard, I will be preaching to folks about this film for years to come.

My friends, meet The Outdoorsmen.

These men are heroes of the regular Joe. They take one weeknd a year and go off into the woods for their own version of the olympics. The only difference is that they are anywhere from 30-40, some are kinda fat, and, oh yeah, they probably down a solid 36 beers each throughout the competition. Some of these guys have been doing thiss for 15 years. You have to be invited to join by one of the regulars and believe me, this created a motley crue of dudes.

If you have the means, or the netflix, I highly recommend you watch this movie.
Be warned, there is a bit of vomiting but, fuck, you would be vomiting too if you had to chug 3 beers in 30 seconds after running with your teammate on your back. Oh, I laugh just thinking about it.

One more thing...

I managed to get a bit below my crappy plateau (or is it a butte?). Here's the new chart o' ugliness:

OMG. The site I used to get my ugly trackers from is gone. This is awful.

My hopes are dashed. I weigh 222. Cool. Whatever. It means nothing without a fugly tracker.

Superbowl Sunday? Superbowl FUNDAY!

OK. From now on, I will be attending a Superbowl party every year. Allison always has one and since I have the pleasure of being her housemate, I attended this year's fiesta. Why haven't I gone before? Cuz I never go anywhere. Duh.

So, the party. Just picture Allison's artichke dip, chicken enchilada casserole, lot sof chips, lots of crappy beer in a can and some roqdy motherfuckers. It was a mostly lesbian crowd (big shocker!) but a couple of straight boys did show up. Everyone was a fucking hoot! Of course, Al and I were rootin' for the Steelers - you gotta love the blue collar boys. I ended up winning back my $5 I put into the pot, as well as a $10 side bet I made on the outcome. All in all, it was pretty sweet.

I did keep thinking about the fact that Kenny was actually AT the game. I gotta get in on that shit somehow. :) Allison and I decided that some year, when the Superbowl is in a city we want to visit, we will get there. Somehow, we will get there.

It's so fun being a crazy sports fan a few times a year!

Wanna date me?

I have been having the urge to start dating again. It's odd, really. First dates are usually so tedious and awful and as awkward as they come, but I am kind of craving the opportunity that always lies behind all of that. For a while I was just over it and decided I would wait until I got to a stable point in my whacky journey o' bypass but I think that I just want to get out there again. We'll see what happens.