i am a lazy blogger
well, i am a lot more than that, but that is all i can think right now. It has been almost 3 months since I last wrote and that is fucked up. I am trudging on with my life but I am just kind fo floating through it. I get up. I go to school. I see people. Sometimes I don't. I always have coffee. That is my constant. I am wearing the patch to quit smoking again. I slowly failed at my last attempt and am taking it seriously again. I am not wearing one now cuz I am sitting on my sister's couch right now, sick as fuck, so I forgot to put one on. I am wishing I had one on right now.
I missed my one year anniversary fo my surgery. I probably was trying to ignore it because of how unsuccessful I am feeling as of late. I have formed new patterns since surgery. I have lost about 100 pounds but I am still leading the same life I did before, I just can't ingest as much food at any given time. That depresses me. I wanted so badly for this to be a new beginning. Maybe I tried to fix other parts of my life before the food. Maybe I assumed the surgery would take care of itself, cantrary to everything else I read about it before I had it fdone. I am the queen of denial. Whatever. Maybe I will find motivationin the new year. I sure has hell haven't stumbled upon it anywhere around here.
I am trying to make some decisions when it comes to what I deserve and need from the world and myself and the people I surround myself with. It's hard when you find something that contains everything you have every looked for except for that one crucial element that sometimes means more than everything else put together. Yeah. It's kind of the story of my life when shit like that happens to me. I just want to find one area where I get to have it all. I want one place where I don't have to try so fucking hard to make something happen. I want one little part of my life to just be easy. I guess it doesn't work like that.
My new sobriety date is the day that would have been my 6 month mark. December 8, 2006. I broke my sobriety cuz I was going through the whole "maybe I can drink" thing. I can, I just drink too much still. I dunno. I don't know if how I feel right now is because I have given up aa and stuff. I was definitely happier when I went. I just can't seem to find the time or energy or whatever to go in this town. i don't want to go with people i know. i don't want to go to meetings that people are all excited for me to go to. I don't work like that. I need to find things that are my own. I just need to go look for them. I'll stay depressed and whatever-y for now, I suppose. I will fix things soon.
Holidays were fine, nothing eventful. Did hannukah with the fam - no sisters or parents, they were out of town. Did xmas with jason's family. They are all great. It is so weird - J's dad and I have the most opposing political views ever, I do believe, but I just enjoy talking to him so much. Same with his wife. They are just from another world than me and where I grew up and everything but they are just awesome. J's mom is so sweet too. That's a good fam there.
I kind of unintentionally threw down the gauntlet with J. For some reason, I needed to know where we are going with all of this. I have never needed to know that before. I guess maybe it is a sign that he is forever guy potential. we are only 9 months out or so and I am already asking this? I dunno. I get emotional during the holidays. I also tewnd to ruin things. I have been totally fucked by the movies. I expect things to be a certain way, I think, and I get my hopes up so much and then I get all upset when I try so hard to meet those standards (which are completely unrealistic) and the other person in the relationship doesn't. I did it with eric and now i am doing that with jason. I try so hard to recognize my flaws and past patterns and try and change them and I just don't get them all sometimes. I am not perfect. I hate that. So yeah. I guess we will see what happens. Things will move in one direction or another. They have to. There is some scientist-y law abotu that.
Off to my dayquil/nyquil excitement. Ugh. I hate being sick. Happy new year to everyone out there (If anyone even still checks this) and I hope you all are looking forward to all that is to come.
I missed my one year anniversary fo my surgery. I probably was trying to ignore it because of how unsuccessful I am feeling as of late. I have formed new patterns since surgery. I have lost about 100 pounds but I am still leading the same life I did before, I just can't ingest as much food at any given time. That depresses me. I wanted so badly for this to be a new beginning. Maybe I tried to fix other parts of my life before the food. Maybe I assumed the surgery would take care of itself, cantrary to everything else I read about it before I had it fdone. I am the queen of denial. Whatever. Maybe I will find motivationin the new year. I sure has hell haven't stumbled upon it anywhere around here.
I am trying to make some decisions when it comes to what I deserve and need from the world and myself and the people I surround myself with. It's hard when you find something that contains everything you have every looked for except for that one crucial element that sometimes means more than everything else put together. Yeah. It's kind of the story of my life when shit like that happens to me. I just want to find one area where I get to have it all. I want one place where I don't have to try so fucking hard to make something happen. I want one little part of my life to just be easy. I guess it doesn't work like that.
My new sobriety date is the day that would have been my 6 month mark. December 8, 2006. I broke my sobriety cuz I was going through the whole "maybe I can drink" thing. I can, I just drink too much still. I dunno. I don't know if how I feel right now is because I have given up aa and stuff. I was definitely happier when I went. I just can't seem to find the time or energy or whatever to go in this town. i don't want to go with people i know. i don't want to go to meetings that people are all excited for me to go to. I don't work like that. I need to find things that are my own. I just need to go look for them. I'll stay depressed and whatever-y for now, I suppose. I will fix things soon.
Holidays were fine, nothing eventful. Did hannukah with the fam - no sisters or parents, they were out of town. Did xmas with jason's family. They are all great. It is so weird - J's dad and I have the most opposing political views ever, I do believe, but I just enjoy talking to him so much. Same with his wife. They are just from another world than me and where I grew up and everything but they are just awesome. J's mom is so sweet too. That's a good fam there.
I kind of unintentionally threw down the gauntlet with J. For some reason, I needed to know where we are going with all of this. I have never needed to know that before. I guess maybe it is a sign that he is forever guy potential. we are only 9 months out or so and I am already asking this? I dunno. I get emotional during the holidays. I also tewnd to ruin things. I have been totally fucked by the movies. I expect things to be a certain way, I think, and I get my hopes up so much and then I get all upset when I try so hard to meet those standards (which are completely unrealistic) and the other person in the relationship doesn't. I did it with eric and now i am doing that with jason. I try so hard to recognize my flaws and past patterns and try and change them and I just don't get them all sometimes. I am not perfect. I hate that. So yeah. I guess we will see what happens. Things will move in one direction or another. They have to. There is some scientist-y law abotu that.
Off to my dayquil/nyquil excitement. Ugh. I hate being sick. Happy new year to everyone out there (If anyone even still checks this) and I hope you all are looking forward to all that is to come.
posted by Neely at 4:35 PM
1 Comments:
i still check it.
you can talk to me, you know :(
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