a little over 1 year, a little under 100...
Well, I am just gonna call it a hundred, people. Yesterday am I weighed in at 185.6 pounds - putting me at a 99.4 pound loss over the last year. I believe my first appointment with my surgeon was August 4th of last year so I am really right there in terms of coinciding. A hundred pounds in a year. Wow.
Over the last year I have discovered a lot of stuff. I am a total food addict. I knew this before but in seeing how hard I have, at times, seen myself try to slip back into my old ways I now know it for a fact. I need to stay constantly aware of how I am treating my body. I am long past the miracle phase of this surgery and its aftermath. I need to exercise. I need to eat meals, not snacks. I need to stay busy but not so busy I don;t eat properly. I need to stay up on my protein so my muscles andbones stay healthy. I need to keep taking vitamins and calcium so I can be sure to supplement the malnutrition that comes along with this surgery. I can;t risk goingthrough this to get healthy and in turn make myself fall apart. Never forget that - even when it seems like everything is fine. You can;t see things on that level in yourself. You can be eating away your insides and not even know it until it's too late.
I got sober this year. I gave up food and embraced alcohol in a way I never had. This apprently happens to aa lot of people, especially women, after gastric bypass. For some reason, you can drink more wihtout getting that woozy sick-drunk that comes before the surgery. I have 61 days today without a drink or any sort of drug (except nicotine and caffeine). It's been really, really hard. It has made me insane at times and made me utterly peaceful at others. It has brought on some serious snacking and also made me think about my food addiction. I am very proud of myself and the choice I have made to get control over this. I do get some people not understanding what I am doing or why I need to. Yes,this is a lifelong change. This isn't somethng I am doing so I can go back to drinking "normally" again. I can;t drink or use drugs normally. Hell, I can;t even drink coffee normally. Once I get that good feeling, I always just want more. It's who I am. I see that and I want that not to be a part of my chaos. I want a little more serenity in my life, please. I want my alcoholic mind to shut the fuck up sometimes so I can hear what's going on around me. I am working my ass off to get that so that I can have a successful, happy life. I want this. I will do whatever I can to find this.
I made the decision to stop standing still and letting time pass by. I decided to be proactive and get mys shit together and create a future for myself. I am ricking my comfort in my cushy nondemanding job so that I can branch out and make something of myself. I am thrilled. I could never have done this woithout the weight loss. I never would have been comfortable with the idea of being on my feet all day at work. I wouldn;t feel ok with looking good enough (whatever that means to me) to be in the beauty industry. I needed to get to a space I was comfortabl ein with myself and how I look so I could help other people do the same. I am excited t learn new skills. I am excited to delve deeper into skilld I have developed on my own. I get to play with my look and be adventurous in my style. I can be whoever I want to be on any given day and I can't wait for that. I get to learn all sorts fo stuff that I get to make moeny doing but really enjoy the hell out of at the same time. I never thougth that was even an option. Crazy....
There has been so much more that has gone on in the last year but I am at a loss to explain it all now. Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful and supportive. I don;t knwo where I would be without the urging of some, the backing off of others, and the love that all of it brought to me and what I have been through. I am still Neely, even in all of these changes. Parts of me that lay dormant for so long finally get to come out again, some for the first tme. Parts of me that were out there, shielding the real me, are being laid to rest - hopefully forever. I am still totally crazy - that will always be there. :) I just hope that it stays a positive crazy. My quirks are charming right? They are what make me me. And besides, I am so damn cute and lovable, how could you resist me?? :)
Over the last year I have discovered a lot of stuff. I am a total food addict. I knew this before but in seeing how hard I have, at times, seen myself try to slip back into my old ways I now know it for a fact. I need to stay constantly aware of how I am treating my body. I am long past the miracle phase of this surgery and its aftermath. I need to exercise. I need to eat meals, not snacks. I need to stay busy but not so busy I don;t eat properly. I need to stay up on my protein so my muscles andbones stay healthy. I need to keep taking vitamins and calcium so I can be sure to supplement the malnutrition that comes along with this surgery. I can;t risk goingthrough this to get healthy and in turn make myself fall apart. Never forget that - even when it seems like everything is fine. You can;t see things on that level in yourself. You can be eating away your insides and not even know it until it's too late.
I got sober this year. I gave up food and embraced alcohol in a way I never had. This apprently happens to aa lot of people, especially women, after gastric bypass. For some reason, you can drink more wihtout getting that woozy sick-drunk that comes before the surgery. I have 61 days today without a drink or any sort of drug (except nicotine and caffeine). It's been really, really hard. It has made me insane at times and made me utterly peaceful at others. It has brought on some serious snacking and also made me think about my food addiction. I am very proud of myself and the choice I have made to get control over this. I do get some people not understanding what I am doing or why I need to. Yes,this is a lifelong change. This isn't somethng I am doing so I can go back to drinking "normally" again. I can;t drink or use drugs normally. Hell, I can;t even drink coffee normally. Once I get that good feeling, I always just want more. It's who I am. I see that and I want that not to be a part of my chaos. I want a little more serenity in my life, please. I want my alcoholic mind to shut the fuck up sometimes so I can hear what's going on around me. I am working my ass off to get that so that I can have a successful, happy life. I want this. I will do whatever I can to find this.
I made the decision to stop standing still and letting time pass by. I decided to be proactive and get mys shit together and create a future for myself. I am ricking my comfort in my cushy nondemanding job so that I can branch out and make something of myself. I am thrilled. I could never have done this woithout the weight loss. I never would have been comfortable with the idea of being on my feet all day at work. I wouldn;t feel ok with looking good enough (whatever that means to me) to be in the beauty industry. I needed to get to a space I was comfortabl ein with myself and how I look so I could help other people do the same. I am excited t learn new skills. I am excited to delve deeper into skilld I have developed on my own. I get to play with my look and be adventurous in my style. I can be whoever I want to be on any given day and I can't wait for that. I get to learn all sorts fo stuff that I get to make moeny doing but really enjoy the hell out of at the same time. I never thougth that was even an option. Crazy....
There has been so much more that has gone on in the last year but I am at a loss to explain it all now. Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful and supportive. I don;t knwo where I would be without the urging of some, the backing off of others, and the love that all of it brought to me and what I have been through. I am still Neely, even in all of these changes. Parts of me that lay dormant for so long finally get to come out again, some for the first tme. Parts of me that were out there, shielding the real me, are being laid to rest - hopefully forever. I am still totally crazy - that will always be there. :) I just hope that it stays a positive crazy. My quirks are charming right? They are what make me me. And besides, I am so damn cute and lovable, how could you resist me?? :)
posted by Neely at 10:52 AM
1 Comments:
What a beautiful post, Neel....you are inspiring on all kinds of levels.....Insatiability - that's the technical term, always wanting more. A good friend of yours and I were just discusing it....is it a character flaw? Can it be fixed? Is Awareness enough? The friend is into Gilmore Girls, I am working my way towards awareness that there are not enough closets in the world to support my ebay habit. : ) Glad to have you on the road to happy destiny. : )
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