today sucks

i have a cold. i have a shitload of work to do. i am stressed out. i am tired. i am pissed off. i feel liek crap. i am generally not wanting to deal with anything. i am scared about being sick. i am nervous abotu being out of work for 2 weeks. i am just not doing so hot today.

first things first - protein

ok, i will not be drinking the Elite Whey Protein in Cafe Mochas Flavor, post surgery.

I am trying to figure out the best way for me to take my liquid vitamins. I have been reading about how I should take the calcium in smaller doses because we can't absorb more than 500mg at a time. I also read that you shouldn;t take the calcium withthe multi cuz of some kind fo vitamins cancel out thing. It is so confusing. I want to be able to take one with my breakfast but I have a big fear of vitamins on an empty stomach - it is an awful feeling. I think I will do a multi now with this nasty ass shake. Brb.

OK, so gross too!!! Chasing nasty liquid vitamins with a nasty liquid prtein thing is so not the way to start the day. I am so glad I have some coffee to chase it all with. :) That's gonna have to go soon, though, I suppose. :(

2 weeks from tomorrow, people. I need this to come already. I am havign such a hard time managing my life leading up to this. I am still feeling so freakin' out of control and kinda just useless until this happens. I need this now!! Ack! I am so ready to turn this corner already. Lame.

getting in my protein

I am going to be talkign about that alot, I think - did I get in all my protein? Well, one way that i am going to have to try and do that is with all these weird protein prodcuts. I had ordered a bunch of samples so I could give 'em a whirl. I just tried my first one and let me say, way more successful than my encounters with liquid vitamins. I figure I need to keep track of what I liked and didn't like somewhere so here is he place.

Today I tried Matrix 5.0 in Perfect Chocolate flavor. I mixed the half serving sample with 4 oz of water and stirred it up. It didn't take much to get it all stirred up, so that was good. It totalytasted good. Even with just water, it was really chocolatey. It isn't too high in calorie, which I like now but I know will be kind of an issue later, but I really think it is in the running for a good chocolate choice.

There you have it, kids. The beginning of the... well, the beginning, really. I can't believe I am at this point already. I am really here. I am gettign ready. I am preparing. I am in the home stretch. Wow.

I was looking at Torrid.com today, just checkingout what they have, not intending to shop, and realized that I won't be able to really shop for a long time. Maybe I can get a jar and put in all the money I would normally be spending on clothes and then I can just buy one big wardrobe at the end of it all. Fuck, I am gonna be hot. :) Did I just say that out loud? I mean, damn I am gonna be healthy. ;)

ok, now i am worried.

I just had my first experience with liquid vitamins. Um, ew. This is gonna be interesting. It kinda tasted like orange but it was a very weird color and kinda a little thick for my liking. Buy ya know what? If it works, all is good.

I got a bunch of protein drink samples in the mail too. I have to start trying those to figur eout what the hell I am gonna like. I figured I will have them for breakfast at work; that way I can try them out without oversupplementing my daily food sitch which is supplemented enough as of late. Yeah. I need be eating and drinking a lot less. I don't wanna go into this having gained weight. How much would that suck??

All in all, I am doing great. I am glad this week is almost over, I have to say. I am supposed to go to Santa Cruz on Saturday with Allison - she has to speak there. I am excited but kind of nervous too. I have been having all these dreams abotu this guy Gary that I used to be really close with back int he SC days. I miss him a lot, even though we kind fo grew apart at the end of my reign there. I think I was too fucked up to have real friends at that point, maybe. But I finally found some possible phone numbers for him and I think I want to call him while I am there. I don't know... I figure I have to be dreamin gabout him so much for a reason. I miss him.

18 days. 18 f'ing days. Life is good.

Why it is fun to sometimes not be a hermit

I went out last night. I am exhausted today but I went out last night. It was Steve Picha's bday (Steve is a friend of Lisa's from forever and he is staying with us right now. He is way funny and very cool. I enjoy him.) so we went out for some falafel and beers. It was so fun. We went to Andalu to go see Jo and have some drinks. Jo, being the fabulous woman she is, totally fed us and picked up the tab. She is such a caretaker. I love her. We moved on to Kilowatt for some PBR and the tail end of the 5.5 hour baseball game. Sheesh! More people met us there, including Beth, Al's old roomate. I love Beth, she is so fun. We raged at the bar til around 1:30 then finally left, making a Cala pitstop for frozen pizza, of course. Beth slammed Allison up against a freezer for a little show and ended up making some strange man's night. lol. We did manage to get home and have some pizza- it was faboo. All in all, a very successful night out and hopefully a happy bday for Steve. :)

Sometimes life is just fun.

The timing is always wrong or the situtaion is all f'd up

Things just tend to have these tiny complications. Then again, sometimes those complications are what allow those situations to exist, perhaps. I am a big believer in the whole everything happens for a reason thing, for the most part, so I guess I just need to go with all of this, right? OK. Going with it. I did have such a good time yesterday though. Such a freakin' good time.

21 days, people. 3 solid weeks until my life begins. I ordered some weird sampes of protein drinks and stuff just so I can see what is gross and what isn't. They should be here by week's end. I am supposed to get used to them before my surgery anyway. I did a little chart today to see what my weight is supposed to be when, according to the guesstimator on this website I am always on. I couldn't figure out how to put a chart into my blog so you get it without any bells and whistles:

11/15 - 264 (day of surgery)
12/15 - 240
1/15 - 217 (vegas for andrea's bday!!!)
2/15 - 206
3/15 - 200
4/15 - 195 (Passover pic will be waaaaaaaay better for me.)
5/15 - 189
6/15 - 184
7/15 - 178
8/15 - 172
9/15 - 166
10/15 - 161 (I should be around here for my 30th bday trip to Vegas!!!!)
11/15 - 156

So there it is, folks. The next year of my life in numbers. I think even by this January, at 217, I will feel so different. Clothes will fit me, I will feel like I look good, my face will finally not be so freakin' fat. I want all those things so much. Everyone keeps asking if I am scared or if I am ready to do this. I have never been more ready for anything in my life. Am I scared? i don't think so. It's like asking someone if they are scared when they are going in for a life-saving procedure. Sure,s urgery might suck but it is going to change everything in my life. Um, I'll take it!

Also, I quit smoking again on October 15th. Now I will still have one month of being a nonsmoker before the surgery. I needed a reason, I think. It was too easy to just smoke when I wanted to which tended to be always. It sucks not smoking but I know it needed to be done.

ok kids. I am moving on to the Buffy phase of my evening. Season five. Glory is Ben and Ben is Glory.

why you shouldn't get drunk on a thursday.

So last night, my Museum had its opening reception for our new exhibition. All was good. I manned the sign in table and handed name tags to trustees and the like. I shmoozed a little, I chatted a little, I wandered into the gallery at some point, I think. Then I started drinking. We were serving the rest of the wine that had been donated for our last opening and has since been sitting under our sink at the office. Apparently under our sink is nothing like a wine cellar cuz this wine was bad. It tasted like it had been sitting in my fridge, open, for the last 4 days. Well I guess that when wine doesn't taste so good, you shouldn't drink an entire bottle of it. It is nice to figure these things out. I wish I had figured it out last night before I started drinking. I am hurting today. I am sitting at my desk, half falling asleep, trying to write this memo that I have been working on for 3 hours. I just need to finish this memo and maybe I can go home. I can barely form sentences. This isn't lookin' too promising.

What is up with all the crap on my shirt??

I am a spiller. I am a messy, messy person and I can't seem to keep anything I try to consume to actually stay in my mouth entirely. It is the darndest thing.

Up until about 4 hours ago I was not in a good space. I was in a foul mood, I must say. I was pretty bitter and pissed off and feeling like the whole world could end and I wouldn't care, blah blah blah... ya know, that kinda stuff. I have to say, either my meds just kicked in or my funk has lifted cuz I am doin' pretty damn well now.

I just asked my boss for a raise and had a little one-year review. We agreed we love eachother and discussed our flaws and faults. We expressed our joy for working together. We laughed, we cried, it was the feelgood meeting of the summer. Then I asked for money and she said she has to chat with the CFO. At least she knows how much $$ I want so it should come out ok, I think.

I realize that there are people out there in the world who are perfect for me. Now I am not trying to find some perfect romantic love, by any means, but there are people in all aspects of my life who fit me like a freakin' glove. Friends, family, boys, girls, cats, dogs, co-workers, bosses, neighbors, muni drivers, everything. There are all these people out there who just click with me and I freakin' love it. I also love realizing it. I love that moment of interaction (phone, IM, email, actual live conversation) when you just kinda say thanks to whatever for making sure you have this person in your. Huh. That might be the most spiritually based thing I have ever said. Aside from my haftorah.

I miss the blog. I love the blog. I love that you are all trapped, reading this, not knowing where it might go or if it will ever end. Is it the power? Is it the attention? Is it the procrastinating? I think I might be an oversharer. I am a verbal exhibitionist.

wedding insanity

so i know i shared some stories with you but here are some pics. note me int he group shot (syracuse picture!). note how fabulous bunny and kenny are. note how much fun we were having. note kenny yelling about the red sox yankees game. we had an f'ing blast.

Finally, she speaks!!

First off, let me apologize to my legions of fans. I have been crazy out of control busy for the last long while, apparently, and just aven't had time to get all this shit down on screen. Where do I start?

Ok, biggest thing? My surgery date. November 15, people. I know that might not have screamed off the page at y'all the way I am screaming it right now but I am seriosuly excited. i am counting down. i am planning. I am dreaming. I am waitng patiently but chomping at the bit to get going. It's finally going to happen. I am about to become me again. This is gonna fucking rock.

I went to Boston last weekend for a fantastic wedding. Amy, Ari's step sister, got married. In pure Kenny fashion (I love that man) it was a fucking extravaganza. There was an incredible amount of alcohol (I ended up in the bride and groom's Syracuse picture at the wedding at the urging of some girl named sarah who named me her bff of the moment and I had a mental love affair with some boy Brandon, also from back in my fictitious Syracuse days), incredible food, incredible spectacles and just an all over amazing time. I didn;t expect to have so much fun but I so did.

I got to go to a RedSox game for my bday. That fucking rocked!! Mandie and Jason took me and we had so much fun. I got to see them spank the Yankees - always a good time. Mandie bought me a giant foam finger :) I love Mandie. She and I laughed so much last weekend. I cried from laughing on several sober occassions as well as an uncountable number of severely intoxicated ones. I wish she and I were in the same city. We also went to pub quiz on my bday - my fave boston past time. Marykate and Emily were there which always makes me beyond happy. Emily went home early (her trademark!) and of course the crazy science question came up the round after she left. Damn you!!! ;) Les also came in from Providence to hang and I was so glad she did. We had so much fun!!

I got to see my dad in Boston too. he was in Providence for the weeknd and he and Les drove in so we could go have some bfast and hang out. I love seeing my dad. He is so cool. And hey, if anyone out there knows of any great jobs in the Jewish Community/Education, let me know. We are looking for some new institution to benefit from my dad's amazing talents.

I came hom to a hlaf unpacked house which rocked. Allsion took off the nigh I got home so I still haven;t seen her since before I left. :( Lisa and I have been rocking the unpacking and hanging out so it has been all good. We had our first trip to Target. :) Y'all know how I love Target!! I have been loving my new house and my new neighborhood. I feel liek a fool for living anywhere else. My commute to work is like 10 minutes. I keep trying to get there later andlater and I am still there before 9!!!

Oh! I chopped all my hair off while I was in Boston. It feels great. :) I still am not quite sure what to do with it when i want it up or when i first wake up but i assume that will come to me. Maybe there is some kind of workshop I can take.

I think that might be it for now, my peeps. I have enough coffee in me now to possibly unpacka box or two. We'll see. I will be better abotu the updates, i swear. i am sure I lost most of my readers by my absence. Come back! I will entertain you, I promise!!!