Sometimes oatmeal is gross

When the water gets kinda cold and the oatmeal doesn't really cook the way it should, oatmeal is thoroughly disgusting. I am trying to get myself to eat it anyway since it is my breakfast but I am honestly having some trouble keeping it down. This could be the grossest thing I have eaten in some time. It just went in the trash.

I went and got ultrasounded this morning - it was actually kinda fun. I couldn;t have any coffee, which sucked, and then I had to drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the test and just hold it - that was the worst. They were a little late in calling me in so I finally had to go up and ask when they would be ready for me - they took me right then. I fell in love with the ultrasound tech. I didn't, however, fall in love with the gleaming gold wedding band on the ring finger of his left hand. His mom had gastric bypass a year ago with my same surgeon! We chatted about how well she is doing (she went from 420 to 290 since then so she was a good deal bigger than me) and the complications she had (she got pneumonia right after surgery.) It was funny, he said that when he saw me he wasn't sure that the chart was right - I guess most of the bariatric surgery people who come in are a good deal larger than I am. He was all awkward trying to say it and stuff without being rude - I tried to explain that offending me is pretty fuckin' hard. He just said that I was lucky and didn't look as heavy as my chart said. That wasn't rude - that was kind of a compliment!!! Oh dear, lovely ultrasound man - why must you be married?

After my ultrasound/first date, I figured I would go up to the surgeon's office and weigh myself on their scale just to see the difference from the original place I was weighed. Well folks, since August 3rd I have lost 9 pounds according to the doctor's scale. Not too freakin' bad. I am really happy about that, actually. I figure, fully dressed in jeans and tennies will account for a little more weight so I knwo I am down more than that in reality; but for surgery purposes I am only 4 pounds away from the minimum I need to lose. That is fuckin' cake. Oh and my jeans? Way too fuckin' big on me. It looks like I have a load in my pants. Also, I can do that thing where I can move my legs inside my pants and you can't see the fabric on the outside move (les- think those awful denim capris at old navy!) So I think I need to go down to a 24. Only prob? Really fuckin' poor right now. I better find myself some hot pants for vegas though!!!!! Woo hoo!!

All in all, people, an excellent Wednesday so far. I am in a much better headspace than I was saturday sunday monday tuesday. I am happy. I am feeling good. I am feeling confident. I am feeling loved. I am feeling accomplished. I am feeling appreciated. I am feeling lucky. I am feeling happy. I am feeling hopeful. I am feeling determined. I am feeling like things are happening allover the place and they aren't out of my control. In fact, they are directly because of my actions. Except the oatmeal debacle this morning. That just sucked.

Signed, sealed and delivered

I am back from the lease signing extravaganza. It is freakin' 11:30 at night, people. That was an ordeal. Sheesh. We had to go to the realtor's office over at Union and Buchanan and it might as well have been another planet. It was seriously BUMPIN' and it is Tuesday. Bars and restaurants were packed. It was incredibly weird - like a giant frat-street party. I am glad we aren't living over there. There was a MAC store, though.

My bliss filled thoughts of the night are of people who dig honesty and the people who aren't afraid to give it. What is the point, right? If you feel something, say it. If you think something, put it out there. If you want something, ask for it. If you need something, demand it (with a smile of course). If you are lucky enough to have people like this in your life, don't forget how lucky you are to have them and never, ever assume they are acting under false pretenses or playing the game - at least until they, themselves, tell you that. Give these amazingly one in a million people the benefit of the doubt. They, of all people, deserve it. They are the truly remarkable out there.

Tuesday, is it?

I woke up this mroning with absolutely no clue what day it is. I thought maybe it was Monday but I remembered going to work yesterday. Then I thought it must have been Thursday cuz it felt like the weeknd was coming soon. Not until I was in the shower was I absolutely sure today is Tuesday. It was so confusing. Like, truly baffling. I am glad that has passed.

I came home last night needing some sort of crazy release and decided instead of going to happy hour with Sunny or getting something extra yummy for dinner, I would just walk until I felt better. Instead of tv, I listened to my ipod - some great old froofy trance I have. I walked like my life depended on it (and I guess it sort of does.) It felt so good. I felt like I got some of my frustrations that I have been feeling out. I worked past some of my constant worries that have been around. I just kept going til I felt physically better, if at the same time slightly exahusted andmaybe a little bit nauseous. It felt good though. I actually worked out to feel better at that very moment - not for some great goal in the distant future. It's all paying off too. As of this morning, on my scale that may or may not be correct, I am down 12 pounds. 12 freakin' pounds. I am only 7 pounds away from what I lost doing atkins and I have already relost the weight I gained with quitting smoking. Not too f'ing bad. Here's a new chart for your viewing pleasure:



I go sign a new lease tonight. I am excited to move. I am excited to move on.

Our new home

So, we decided to take the apartment. We will go sign a lease on Tuesday night at 9. We hand over a large chunk of change (thanks again, secret santa) and the lease is done. We will then bring over a cashier's check for first month's rent on 9/22 or 23 and we pick up our keys. It all happened so fast! I was going to put some new pics in this post but it is hard to tell what they mean since you don't know where things are. We are all very excited about this place - it is just gorgeous. We even have an extra room so we can have visitors and a room just for the treadmill!!! :) I am thinking this is going to be great. Great place, great roommates, great things to come, I hope. Now if I can just get my head out of the damn clouds...

10 minutes later on sunday

I figured I would do a seperate post for my food/exercise stuff. When I went to the doctor on friday iw as only down 5 pounds from where i started there but i was fully dressed and had already had coffee and whatever. who know. i am losing - that is what counts. i only have to lose 7 more pounds, according to their scale, to qualify for surgery so whatev. that'll be done in the next 2 weeks, i am sure.

i have started doing more on the treadmill - my body got used to anythign less than 3.5 incline and 2.8 mph. It's weird - I staretd at no incline and only 2.5mph tops. It's exciting to see me gaining stamina. I mean, I amonly down like 8 pounds but I have already made myself healthier. Pretty friggin' cool. I am starting to see the health benefits this is all going to have for me. That makes me excited. I did an hour at anywhere from 3.5incline/3.0mph to 2.0incline/2.0mph at the end. i walked while i watched the rest of thw royal tennenbaums that I started watching while i went to sleep last night (thx for my dvd players andrea!!!!!!!!) and I managed to burn 350 calories or soemthign liek that. Not a bad Sunday activity.

I want some appearance benefits too. I feel like I looked int hemirror the other day and my face looked a tiny bit thinner but who knows. It could have just been one of those days when I was lookin at myself at the perfect angle and could see what I really look like below all of this. I can't wait to start seeing myself for real. I can't wait to look in the mirror and smile at what I see everytime.

Coming up this week - ultrasounds on wednesday, nutrition group wednesday, individual nutritionist appt. on Thursday. My boss is in hawaii from this wednesday until next wednesday - that will be nice. I intend to be in a daze for most of the week thinking about people who amaze you. It's been the topic of the weekend for me, pretty much. Ooh! I think I get to meet Allison's Patty this week too. Yay!!!! Get ready for September, people.

Sundays in the living room with Neely

We got offered an apartment yesterday.

LOCATION: 827 22nd St. (Tennessee & Minnesota) in Potrero Hill.
FEATURES:
*3 bedroom (3 br) + den, 1 bath, remodeled flat
*Stunning views
*Approx. 1,400 sq. ft.
*Gorgeous kitchen has 30” gas range, full-size refrigerator, nice cabinetry & unique brick wall
*Separate dinette can fit a table & 6 chairs
*All 3 bedrooms are spacious-each has their own closet
*Spacious den or could be used as a 4th bedroom
*Gorgeous 1.25 bathroom has tub/shower, tile flooring & separate bathroom with toilet only
*Hardwood floors & carpet
*Bright & sunny
*Private wood deck
*Laundry in the bldg.
*No parking
*Walk to nearby restaurants & transportation

DETAILS:
Rent: $2,350.00/month
Security Deposit: $3,525.00
Total Move-In: $5,875.00
Utilities: garbage included
Lease Term: 1 year lease required
Pet Policy: no pets allowed


It was the second one we looked at. It is amazing. It is huge and has an extra bedroom. It is open and bright and airy and it is i an area of the city that is pretty much always sunny. we all liked it but it did have its flaws. Lisa is a biker - she rides all over the city - and this place is pretty far off the beaten path. It is great for bus lines (the 48 to the mission, the 15 to downtown, and the 22 to missiona dn lower haight all run right by there) so for me it will be cool. The area is a bit indutrial and not so developed. There is a coffee house caddy corner to the apartment. There is a really cute cafe that is bumpin' on the weekends just a block down. The place has a cute deck and a beautifyl little yard that yo uhave to shimmy down this weird ladder to get to. The guy also gave us the weekend we wanted t move in so we would have a move in date of 9/23. This way I can get this all doen before I got to Boston at the end of the month.
So we have all these pros and cons. If we take it, first off - no more apartment hunting. CL was quite sparse this whole month so we are a little terrified abotuwht is out there. We got offered it right off the bat and there were other people applying. We have to let him know by this evening though, pretty much. The only huge con is its location. It is in our price range, it is huge, the kitchen is updated, there isn't a dishwasher which does suck, but it is dealable. We have to make a decision. Ugh.
Yesterday, after seeing the place and going into a major tailspn abotu having to make a decision, we decided we needed to go do some drinking to help us get a little less stressed. It made for an interesting saturday afternoon, i will tell you that. But it didn;t get us any closer to a decision, really. Allison and Lisa went back over there this mornign and walked around a little so they thoguht some more about it. We'll have to have a little phone cnference this fternoona dn figure shit out. I think I am kinda atthe point of not caring all too much. Whatever happens happens and we'll end up somewhere. I just kinda want to know where.

Friday nights are good times part 2

Remarkable.
So totally remarkable and amazing and weird and just completely indescribable.
Mark this moment - I am speechless.

friday nights are good times.

for all my nervousness, this just might turn out exactly how I wanted it to. here's to friday nights and impromptu visitors and staying up way too late. see y'all on saturday.

This fuckin' rocks.

It is official. I now have every appointment I need to complete to get my surgery date either scheduled or done. Here is my update:

Echocardiogram - 9/8 at 9am
Persantine Thallium Test - DONE!
Electrocardiogram - DONE!
Chest X ray - DONE!
Abdominal Ultrasound - 8/31 at 8:45am
Pelvic Ultrasound - 8/31 at 8:45am
CBC, Electrolytes, BUN, Creatinine - DONE!
TSH - DONE!
Prolactin - DONE!
Cortisol - DONE!
Upper GI Endoscopy - 9/15 at 11am
Psych Eval - DONE!
Nutritional Consultation - 9/1 at 10am
Documentation of 15 pound weight loss - According to where I started on my scale, I am down 8.5 lbs as of this morning. I have officially begun a food plan as well as exercise and the weight is dropping off.

Knowing everything is scheduled is so huge for me. Knowing I am losing weight even now feels really good. I am so incredibly excited.

I went to the bariatric support group at ucsf last night. There weren;t many people there and there wasn't much interaction between the people there. One of the surgeons explained the procedure and talked about how food is processed after the surgery. It was mostly stuff I knew already. I did find out that the opening from the new stomach to the small intestine is about the diameter of a thumb. It is good for me to know that cuz it was freaking me out a little thinking there would be this tiny-ass hole that food passed through. I do better with more information. A plastic surgeon spoke a little bit about options after surgery. Not too much new info. I did find out that they include the muscle tightening in the tummy tuck operation that insurance will usually cover. At least I know I will be abel to fix that up!!! The rest... let's just say I will be wanting cash for any gift occassion for the next few years to come. :) And I am glad my credit is good again! :)

Well, that's it kids. I am doing great on the food and exercise front. Walking 2 miles a day (even when I swear I am just going home that night and sitting in my chair!) and really monitoring my food. I feel pretty damn good.

The nerves finally hit.

For the first time in this process I am having fears that I won't be officially approved by my insurance. I don't know why I got so scared.

I met with a psychologist today to be evaluated so she can write a letter saying I am a good candidate for this surgery. I think I was a little too gung ho about being at therapy and I think I overshared. On paper I am pretty fucked up. On paper I am anxious and depressed with a pretty fucked up family past and a string of failures in my life. I am not career driven or education driven. I am content with my life but at the same time miserably unhappy. I have both too-high self esteem and terribly low self esteem. I am a fucking wreck. I felt like I was talking to the doctor but at the same time kind of stuttering and not really getting my words out right. I would go off on tangents and never really answer her questions. I am afraid she will write a letter with too much detail and end up with me not being approved for surgery. I don't even know what I would do. I mean, I would keep doing what I am doing now but not to have that surgery date in my hands for even longer... I don't want to deal with that.

Vegas Baby!!!!

We are goin' to Vegas! Moll decided that she wants to go for her 30th bday. Yay!!! We bought our tix last night - now we just need to find one for Les - and we are rarin' to go! We are going the weekend after their bdays so that les doesn't fly home on hers (they are both Sept. 12 - Molly was born on lesley's 3rd birthday.) This is going ot be so great. Mom is coming too and this way we can hang out duringthe day and then go out at night! I am so glad Moll picked somewhere exciting to go - she's 30! And she deserves it! We are going to paint the town. I will have to force them into some blackjack (I say this as I know they read this) and maybe a little video poker. :) I can always gamble while they lay out in the sun - so not my thing. I am soe xcited to be in Vegas with my sisters. They are so f'ing fun!!!!!!! (Mom, you too - it's just that right now i am simply thinking hardcore Vegas.) It is going to be way weird being in Vegas without my Andrea, though. I have never been to Vegas in my modern life without her. Just as she will have to photoshop me into her housewarming party pics, I shall have to superimpose her into Vegas. Vegas would want it that way. :)

Another exciting whoop tee doo - I am down 2 more pounds. i think this whole "watching what you eat" thing might have some merit after all!! Who knew diet and exercise would work? I did have a moment last night when I was like, "Wait - why don;t I just keep dointhis and then I can just lose the weight wthout surgery?" I have heard that song before. I will keep doing what i am doing along with the aid of the surgery. This way I will have a hand always pushing me, reminding me of where I need to go. I need stuff like that.

Goings Ons/Freaking the fuck out

So you may have noticed from my cheezy little weight graph that I am down 6 lbs. as of this morning. Now, I don't know if that is EXACTLY accurate, as the low weight is me 1st thing in the am, not wearing the jeans that I would be wearing when I weigh in at the doctor's office. Look, I know it might be a little off but realizing that I may have already lost this much... that is pretty friggin' cool.

I started my food regimen for reals yesterday. I was hardcore and am hoping I can keep this up. I am using FitDay to keep track of what I eat. I used it when I was doing Atkins but I am definitely paying more attention now. It tracks my exercise and food and I could do a journal too but I have this. :)So anyway, I am down to a "diet" amount of calories now. I think this just might work. :)

I am, again, trying to be patient. I am just so excited to get this all going. I know - you guys must be sick of hearing me say this. I have to wait about another month, probably, until I even have my surgery date. I think once I know that date I will be able to breathe.

I have so much craziness and anxiety around my life right now. I am going to move October 1 and have to go through finding a place. I am terrified that we won't find the perfect apartment in the perfect place. (As I write this I realize I need to check CL again for apartments. Apparently 500 times a day isn;t enough for me!) I am excited to live with who I am moving in with - Allison and Lisa. They are both great. They are fun and considerate and responsible and hilarious and warm and kind all at the same time. I think this will be great. I have constant stress about moving though. I am afraid I won;t have time to pack everything. I am afraid there won't be enough room in the new place for all my stuff. I am afraid we will end up living somewhere crappy. I am afraid that I will realize I just want to live alone. I am so scared and stressed about all of these things. I think I just need to feel more in control of this. Once Sept 1 comes and we can start looking for places in earnest. I will feel better. I hope. I think I would feel less freaked out if I didn;t have to be in Boston the last weekend of the month when I am supposed to be moving. I also will be in LA for Molly's 30th bday the weekend of the 9th and I want to be in LA for Andrea when she moves into her new house. Why does September want to kill me?

Ok. Trying to breathe now.

The Weight

I am finally gonna do it. I am putting my weight down on here for all to see. Actually, I created a cheezy little weight loss tracker. For now, it'll move pretty damn slowly, I am sure, but once surgery comes... it'll be pretty cool, I think. Here goes:

Progress Report

I realized I hadn't put up a new list of things I have to get done in a bit so here goes:


Echocardiogram - 9/8 at 9am
Persantine Thallium Test - DONE!
Electrocardiogram - DONE!
Chest X ray - DONE!
Abdominal Ultrasound - 8/31 at 8:45am
Pelvic Ultrasound - 8/31 at 8:45am
CBC, Electrolytes, BUN, Creatinine - DONE!
TSH - DONE!
Prolactin - DONE!
Cortisol - DONE!
Upper GI Endoscopy - 9/15 at 11am
Psych Eval - 8/24 at 2pm
Nutritional Consultation - Waiting for insurance authorization
Documentation of 15 pound weight loss - Still working my ass off on the treadmill; starting to deal witht he eating portion of this weight loss this week. According to my scale, I am down abotu 3 pounds but I have no idea how it will show up on the surgeon's office scale.

I am being as patient as i can be. My new fear is that once all my tests are done, nothing will show up at the surgeon's office so that i can move forward. After I finish all of my appointments i am no longer in control of this process and that scares me; not because I need control but because I have first hand experience with these asshats' versions of doing their jobs. I just hope that people move my reuslts forward and over to my surgeon. I want to keep this going. I figure i am probably still looking at a December surgery date, now. Let's say I am done with all of my tests by September 22. I figure it will take at least 2 weeks to get everything to the surgeon. That gets us to October 6. Maybe I will get in to see the surgeon 2 weeks aftet that, so October 20. My surgery date will then be 4-6 weeks after that, so late November, early December. This is all based on getting my approval from Blue Cross in record speed. Most people I have read abotu who have to deal with Blue Cross of California have gotten their approval in 24-48 hours, though. I wonder if they had really proactive people working on their side at their doctors' offices. *sigh* I just feel like no matter how hard I work at this, I will be constantly sabotaged by medical staff who just don't give a shit at all. Nothign I can do, I guess. It just makes me feel shitty.

My Day at the Fair or I am Never Going to Live More Than 10 Miles From a Coast

Yee haw. Yesterday I went to the California State Fair with my friend Sunny. Let me just say wow. It was a blur of patriotic emblems and funnel cake stands (I did make it through the whole day without having a funnel cake so I guess I will still be a person who has never had a funnel cake in their whole life). There were corn dogs (and 8 inch long JUMBO corn dogs) around every corner. There were several lemon shaped lemonade stands. There were carnies taking people's money away from them as they demonstrated how easy the games were to play. (I must have fallen victim at least 5 times. It really does look so easy.) There were kids on leashes. There were families in matching outfits. There were a lot of Bush/Cheney stickers. I was truly out of my element.

What did i experience directly at the State Fair, you ask? I did win my self a lovely 8x10 framed picture of the Playboy Bunny. It's hawt. I won it throwing darts. Apparently that is the only thing I can do. I was sneezed on by a giant hog. That was gross. I sweated more than I ever have n my life, I believe. I drank a lot of Bud Lite out of souvenir cups. (I came home with 3!) I ate a corndog and a half a sausage sandwich. I watched a woman order the no sugar added fro-yo (it was pretty damn good) but got it in a waffle bowl. I had a conversation with a woman by the bathroom before we went into the fairgrounds. She was tellign Sunny and I how we were brave to bring in our purses cuz "they search 'em, ya know. I got things they don't need to be seein'. My husband said, 'take yer knife outta yer purse.' And I said, 'No way - my knife stays in my purse always.'" There was greater detail tot he conversation,s ome involvingher using a public mensroom when she was "at the coast" with her sister. She told the other men inside "You ain't got nothin' I ain't seen before!" i am sure the men were truly thrilled to have her there. She was a gem. She was also wearing a nascar shirt, btw. That was pretty obvious though, wasn't it?

All in all, it was damn fun. We hit some masive traffic on the way home - that sucked. But we had a great time. We have decided to make it a yearly tradition as long as we are both in California.

Now to the update on food/exercise stuff: I didn't get to do the treadmill yesterday but we did walka round the fair for 5 hours. I counteracted that with shitty food, thogh. And beer. All in al it was not a successful day on that front. Hopefully today will be better. I m havin' some coffee now and intend to walk this afternoon. I also got groceries on Friday night so I am going to start my yogurt or oatmeal for bfast, frozen meal for lunch, frozen meal for dinner regimen. Molly suggested I dd soem veggies ot my frozen meals for soem bulk so I don't get too hungry. She is a smart one, that Molly. I figure if I am exercising AND I start eating a lot less, I will actually lose the weight I need to lose to get my surgery. This isn't going to be easy - a lifetime of failure with food has proven that. But this tme I am doing this so that I can win the tool thatw ill help me keep this all off forever. Every pound I lose now is a pound that is guaranteed never to come back, as long as i continue to follow the plan post-op. I can do this.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Yes, it is 6:48 in the am on a Saturday. "Why the fuck are you awake??", one might ask me. My answer? i have no f'ing idea. I woke up at like 6:00 this morning and was just awake. I was apparently done sleeping. Exercise does very very weird things to you. I am going to the California State Fair today with my friend Sunny. I am excited. We are going to play games and win prizes and milk cows (maybe) and eat foods on a stick. It should prove to be quite the insight into the rest of the this here country we live in. I will be bringing my camera - don't y'all worry.

Yesterday I went in for some more testing for my surgery. I went down to the whole doctor row place and all of my appointments actually happened. It was truly incredible. My Persantine Thallium Scan was actually pretty unpleasant. They injected me with this radioactive isotope through an IV in my hand. The IV wasn't so bad (my first one ever!!) but the shit they put through it totally sucked. It made me nauseous and gave me this awful headache. It totally immobilized me, basically. I couldn't really talk, I just felt sick. They ended up bringing me out of it early, thank god. It was really one of the worst things I have ever felt. i think I just have a fear of nausea since the projectile vomiting incident of '04. (Kudos to buddy for her fearless caregiving through that episode, btw.) So yeah, that was the first half of that test. It took about 20 minutes in all but it sucked. I also felt lame cuz i am usually such a good patient - pain doesn't bother me, I can otulast anything cuz I know it will eventually be over and it is for my own good. This one, however.... ugh. It was awful.

After I fnished that part of the scan (I would have to come back to get scanned in a few hours) I went over to the gastroenterologist's office. On the way I stopped for coffee (I wasn't allowed caffeine before that other test) and I had a lovely morning quesadilla - weird breakfast but I was dealing iwth food court options. I went and sat at my gastroenterologist's office for 20 minutes, chatted with Les, and then proceeded to sit in a room for 20 more minutes. Then a doctor came in and chatted for 5 minutes and left again for almost 30. (Thank the stars for my iPod. I would have been miserable.) The big-cheese doctor came in then and talked to me for about 45 seconds and then told me to go make my endoscopy appointment. Great. That is what i waited for? Crapola. I was told they are going to knock me out for my endoscopy so i will need someone to drive me home that day. I will have to figure that one out somehow. Anyway, I have my appointment, it is for September 15 at 11am. Now all i need scheduled is my dietician appointment and I am all covered!!!! Now if I can just keep this weight coming off, and maybe a little bit faster, please?!?!??

After that, I went back over to nuclear medicine to get my scans done. They made me lay on this curved (very narrow) bench for like 15 minutes while this machine rotated around me taking pictures of my heart and other innards. The guy working there was kind of a dick. Whatever - I am done with him. Hopefully i will never have to do a test like that again. (I had to get that scan done instead of a regular treadmill stress test because I can't "exercise", which to them means run. After going through all of this stuff and this urgery, I never intend to not be able to "exercise" again.)

All in all, a couple of successful days, i suppose. My boss comes back to work on Monday - lame. She didn't even call me or anything pretty much the entire week. It was so peaceful. Monday i will have to get back to doing actual work again, I guess.

Weight/exercise update: I have walked every day except this past thursday - i went out with my friend jared (I heart jared) and got home way late. i did get up and walk Friday am for a bit to at least try to compensate a little bit. Last night i was pretty hardcore and walked for over an hour - 2.5 miles, 320 calories. It felt really, really good. According to my scale, I am down another pound but according to the scale at the Gastroenterologist's office, i am only down a pound from where I started at the surgeon's office. I hate having to weigh on all these different scales!!!! Oh well, on the 31st, I have to go back to the med complex to get my ultrasounds done. I will jet on up to the surgeon's office and weigh myself there, then. Good plan.

I love going to my doctor's building!

I am thinking of just dropping by my doctors' offices at UCSF occassionally without a real purpose. Oh wait! I did that TWICE today!!! i went over there this morning for a nutrition meeting that was cancelled and then I went back tonight for the once monthly support group that got moved to next wednesday instead. Oh joy! I wish I could go to Inner Sunset even more, where it is so foggy it is raining and the wind is blowing so much, you can't hear anything on your phone. It is so nice over by my doctor's office at UCSF. The worst muni train goes there and the coffee they have at the coffee cart always has grounds in it. What fun it is to spend a half hour each way traveling over there for no reason. I love that. If I hadn't gotten my psych appt today, I would not be doing very well right now.

On a happier note, I just did an hour on the treadmill. 2.25 miles, 285 calories. It felt pretty damn good.

I got my psych appt.!!!

After all my mom did, I ended up getting an appointment with a random Blue Cross Psychologist. I am quite excited. I get to go get my head shrunk next Wednesday, 8/24, at 2pm. Looks like it is another 1/2 day out of work for me but such is life. I need to get this stuff done and I am getting it done. It is about time people started cooperating just the slightest bit with me.

One more obstacle down.

Feelin' down

I am unexplicably angry/sad/disappointed/generally unhappy and annoyed. Maybe I didn't sleep enough last night. I did get up at 6 this morning to shlep my ass over to the surgeon's office for a nutrition meeting that was canceled but I didn't know. That was a little annoying. While I was waiting on the empty floor for the office to be opened, the elevator opened and out came 3 big guard dudes with some old man in an orange jumpsuit and leg irons. He also had that waist chain thing withhis hands cuffed to it. Crazy. Still annoyed I had to go all the way down there for nothing.

Know what made this morning's whole debaucle extra annoying? I have to go back there tonight at 6 for a support group that only happens once a month. Now, I think it will be interesting and I definitely want to hear what people say but I am so not in the mood to go back to 400 Parnassus for the second time today!

I also got a call back from one of the psychologists I called about my psych eval. She said she would want to have between 2 and 4 sessions with me at $155 each. She would also be paid for the time it takes her to write the letter. Yeah, that is so not happening. I think I will continue my way down the list of random psychologists until I find one who will do this for me in one session. I am sorry guys but in all my years I spent in therapy and the years I have spent knowing myself, I know I am prepared for this surgery. I know more about me than any psych eval is going to tell me and I am doign this as a stricty formality. If it seems like I am blowing it off, I am. I don't care about this test. I need a signed letter for insurance purposes and that is that.

You would think getting my new ipod mini today would put me in a great mood. Didn't do the trick.

A lesson learned.

I came home last night tired and hungry and just wanting to not work out. Well, I compromised and only did a mile and a quarter at a relatively easy pace. You see, this was my whole plan to begin with - just walk at an easy pace for like a half hour or hour every night. Not too strenuous, nothign crazy. Well, That is what I did last night and I woke up this mornign feeling pretty crappy. I was exhausted and sluggish and couldn't pull my fat ass out of bed. The last few days before this I have been waking up like it's nothing (and those of you who know me - hell, those of you who have glimpsed me - know that i am not known for my waking up skills.) So I learned. I learned that I need to push myself on the readmill to feel good. I learned I need to push through feeling tired after work and just do what i was going to do. This whole thing would be a lot easier if I could just spend all my time "gettign in shape". Anyone wanna pay me $45k a year to do that? No? Just checking.

Moms rock.

My mom really came through today. My mom has really been coming through for some time now, actually. It is nice.

I called my mom on Friday, panicked because the people at the loony bin part of my HMO were being way difficult about getting me a consultation in preparation for my surgery. My mom talked me through it and convinced me to try and play their game and, at the same, she would talk to her people (my mom has people!) and see about getting me a psych consult from someone she knows. This way I can have my consult and be all done by, hopefully, mid-sept. I called the surgeon's asst. to make sure I could get a psych consult from someone outside of my HMO network. Well, this morning, I got the a-ok! I called my mom and she immediately called her friend who gave me a referral for someone near here. He is in San Mateo so it might be iffy but hopefully I can get in to see him soon and all will be ok. I will need to get a letter from him saying I am sane enough to do this (which I actually think I am!) and then that part of the process is all done!!!

So, update:

Echocardiogram - 9/8 at 9am
Persantine Thallium Test - 8/19 at 9am
Electrocardiogram - DONE!
Chest X ray - DONE!
Abdominal Ultrasound - 8/31 at 8:45am
Pelvic Ultrasound - 8/31 at 8:45am
CBC, Electrolytes, BUN, Creatinine - DONE!
TSH - DONE!
Prolactin - DONE!
Cortisol - DONE!
Upper GI Endoscopy - Initial appt. 8/19 at 11am
Psych Eval - In the works
Nutritional Consultation - In the works
Documentation of 15 pound weight loss - 1 down so far; doing the treadmill everyday and working at it.

Things are progressing. :)

Monday? Fun day!

So, quick update - yesterday I managed to do 2 miles on the treadmill again. 45 minutes or so and 280 calories. Go me. :)

This morning I went to go get my Persantine Thallium Test done. I had no idea what I was in for at all. I finally found out (thanks to my sis and her internet skills) that this ws kind of a long test to get done. Since my boss is leaving tomorrow for NY for the rest of the week I decided to reschedule. I rescheduled for Friday at 9am, before my Gastroenterologist appointment. I have to go do some tests then I have an hour to wait then I go back for more tests so it made sense to schedule it around the other stuff. I also can't have caffeine for 24 hours before the test so I wanted it for as early as possible!!

So that's my deal. I did go get my EKG and my Chest xray this am since I was over there anyway. At least the trip wasn't a total waste! Here's to things moving forward still. I am waiting to hear back from the woman at the surgeon's office to see if I can have my psych eval done by someone outside fo the insurance network. I just want to get it done. I am really excited to get a surgery date.

By the way, my wonderful Andrea bought herself the cutest little house this weekend. Check out her story. I can't wait to see her new place; it sounds adorable, Loki will have a dog door and a little yard of his very own, and we will be able to hang out on the observation deck and observe stuff. Woo hoo!!!! :)

Hipster Hell

Oh my god. I just glimpsed hell and it was full of puffy vests and too-tight tshirts over beergut bellies. There were shaggy haircuts for boys and mohawks (shaggy, of course) and late bobby brady haircuts for girls. There were belted sweater dresses and trucker hats. There were legwarmers and acid washed jeans. There were belt buckles and logo tees worn with so much irony it actually hurt to be near them. I have glimpsed the San Francisco that lives about 6 blocks down and 6 blocks over from me and it made me pretty nauseated.

I have no love for the hipster. I don't think your blue blocker sunglasses are the epitome of retro. The whole idea of "ugly is cool" is ridiculous. It is one thing to be anti-establishment punk rock chick with a crazy purple mohawk and spikes coming off everything but it is another, totally lame thing to slouch and smoke and wear clothes you found in your neighbors garbage just to outdo the other hipsters living next door to your apartment on Shotwell and 18th. Yer fuckin' lame. And yes, I am judging you and I don't care. It isn't because I think my way is cooler than yours - I have no way at the moment. I just know that your way... your way is totally ripshit retarded.

I loved the people I was out with tonight - Mandie is someone I am so glad to still have in my life and her Jason is just a great addition and is way funny and just a good guy - but if I had to spend one more minute in that bar, I thought I was going to have some sort of violent reaction and break out in converse with holes in them or end up with a can of PBR permanently affixed to my hand. Besides, I am tired and I just wanted to come home.

Quick treadmill update

So I did a little over 2 miles today in 51 minutes and the treadmill said I burned 278 calories - whatever that means. I stretched before and after and I think I did a pretty good job. I am proud of me. :) Yay Saturday!

Walking also helped to distract me fromthinkign about my Andrea and being anxious. She is going to see a very cute house in Burbank today - right now, as a matter of fact. Think good thoughts, people!!

Saturday Anew

So. For some very weird reason, I woke up at 7:45 this morning. I guess that part isn't so odd; the odd part is that I actually got up! I know! It so gets weirder, too! I got up and immediately took 3 bags of trash and recycling out. I know, right? What the hell was up with me?? Hang on to yoru britches cuz here comes even more: I then proceeded to do my dishes!! These weren't any ordinary dishes either - these included a really heavy cast iron pot and a colander. I hate doing those kind of dishes!

So here I am, a little less trash in my house, dishes are done, and I finally get to the task that really trumps all the others - I need to do my laundry. I had intentions to put this off by doing the treadmill for a while before anything else but I realized I really needed to wash my walking clothes - they were a bit rank (except for the magic pants which miraculously never seem that disgustingly dirty). Ok, so I am in my room with my first cup of coffee of the day and I set to work. It's amazing - I am making piles, I am seperating whites, I am hanging up clothes! I am freakin' Suzy Homemaker here. Also, it is only like 8:45 in the friggin' morning here. I am a wonderkind.

So here I sit, 10:33am on a Saturday am and my clothes are in the dryer over at the laundromat. I came home to hang up the clothes that needed hanging. I also discovered that there is no crossword puzzle int he weekend Examiner so I got bored hanging out at the 'mat. I am pretty impressed with me today. Ok, I know regular people do this shit all the time but not me. I prde myself on not having the uality that makes thee kind f tasks easy. (Ok, I don't pride myself on it but it makes it easier than actually getting upset about it. I need like a grown-up person's version of Jone Bycell - she was my Ed. Therapist when I was 14. Odds are I am not gonna find one.)

By the way, exercise update - I walked last night for 41 minutes. I have been doing more incline. I walked at 2.5 incline and 2.7mph for about 15-20 minutes of the workout. It was a tad bit much, I think, but I made it. I am going to keep it at that for a while I think. The machine said I burned 200 calories but I am not sure what weight they take into account when they measure that. I did pretty well, regardless. And i finally remembered to keep a towel with me while I walk. i am one sweaty bitch!

Well, here's to change, people. Here's to keeping to a plan, working for something you want, and not having to wear pajama shorts as underwear cuz all your clothes are dirty. C'mon, I am still me.

Neely Appreciation Day

Apparently, I did something right.

Today, I received a brand new DVD player in the mail because my knight decided that it was just not right that my dvd player broke and it also wasn't right that I didn't have one in my bedroom. PRESENTS!!!!!! :) :) :)

This afternoon, I am in my boss's office and she tells me she wants to do somethign for me. Now, backstory: I have spent a good portion of this week filling up her brand new ipod with music she has brought in, as well as my own stuff. She sees how giddy I have gotten about her ipod andhow much fun I have had playing with it. Well, she told me today that she is buying me an ipod mini. :) She said since she didn't get me a holiday gift last year and in honor of everything I am doing for myself (and to motivate me even further) I should have an ipod too. I am so excited!! I ordered it today. It is pink. And cute. And it looks like the one at the top. And I am going to love it so very, very much!!

With my new dvd player, my soon to have ipod, and my treadmill, I just feel like I have all these new toys! Fuck, I do have all these new toys! Now the weekend comes and I, instead of sitting motionless in my chair and spacing out all day, will be spending even more time on my treadmill. I might as well be walking while I space out, right??

So thank you to Andrea - I wish I could be there with you this weekend to pick out some new digs!! And just to hang out and laugh hysterically.

And thank you, Connie. It is nice to be appreciated via material goods sometimes. :)

Oh, and I really have to do some laundry, mofos. I had to resort to wearing my ex's boxers today.

Today's results!

So, I am officially down 2 pounds in this here weight loss adventure of mine. I considered making this whole chart and updating it and everything but then I realized I don't necessarily want my weight posted on the internet just yet. I am actually quite unshy about it, seeing as it is now officially a temporary thing, but this mornign I wasn't in the mood to write it down. So that's all you get. Down 2 of the 15 pounds I need to lose before I can have surgery. I have about 8 weeks until I need to lose the rest - think I can do it? Uh, pretty sure of that one.

I go to the idiot factory aka my PCP's office today to go rip some shit up and walk out with my referrals in hand. 5 hours and counting until my appointment. After I make the doctor break and get my medical necessities, I shall mosey on downstairs and get some fantastic bloodwork done. I am quite looking forward to it. Is it wrong to be excited about getting needles stuck in me? I mean, without ending up tattooed or pierced afterwards? I guess I would be excited about assisting in artificially inseminating a pig if it would get me closer to this surgery. ( For excellent pig insemination footage, watch Discovery Channels rockin' show "Dirty Jobs". For excellent examples of a bovine obgyn check up, watch "Filthy Rich Cattle Drive". It'll make you feel sick but also far superior.)

Back to a day of interent research and the such. No boss at work today so I have yet to do any actual work. Go Thursday!

Road to nowhere...

I came home today to a beautiful treadmill in my living room. A friend of a friend was kind enough to accept my hard earned (bday gift) cash to lug this amazing machinery up here from my mom's spare bedroom in Santa Monica. This friend (with the help of my knight) got the treadmill from my mom's last night and drove it up today. Since he wanted to go to tonight's A's game, I was lucky enough to not have to deal with getting it in my house or anything! He and his friend came and picked up my keys and set up my beautiful new treadmill in my living room. Now, it was backwards (facing the wall, not the TV) but we all can't be perfect, right? It was nothign a little sweat and elbow grease of my own couldn't fix.

I couldn't be happier. I just walked for about 25 minutes. It was an easy pace but I tried not to be crazy obsessive girl that I sometimes can with treadmills. (My sister used to housesit at this great house with a treadmill. I have been known to spend 5 hours at a time walking on that motherfucker. None of us need me to be doing that. Especially not at the peak condition that I am at right now!) I did a nice mile at anywhere from 1.5 to 2.8 mph and even did a little cool down - I am so responsible!!!! I watched an episode of Plastic Surgery Before & After - my fave show. I kept my water bottle in its nifty little spot. I wore my fantastic walking shoes. All in all, it was a huge success.

So here's to my first steps, kinda literally. Here's to my knight and here's to boring blogs like this one. I have a feeling this jorney isn't going to be all fireworks and dancing monkeys.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Why can't doctor's offices just work in the patient's best interest?

I just got a call from some woman from my doctor's office. She was calling to ask about all these referrals I had asked for. She tried to tell me that i needed to meet with my doctor to decide which tests I needed to get done. I explained very sllloooooowwwwwlllyyyyyy that I had a letter from my surgeon saying I need these specific tests done before I can get surgery. The convo went something like this:

Idiot: "when is your surgery date?"
Me: "I don't have one yet. I need to get all of these tests doen before I can get a date."
Idiot: "Because some of these tests take time to schedule so if your surgery date is in a month... when is your surgery date?"
Me: "I can't get a surgery date until I have the results of all of these tests."
Idiot: "Did a doctor refer you to have these tests done?"
Me: "Yes! My surgeon, Dr. Campos, to whom I was referred to by my regular doctor, Dr. Desai."
Idiot: "Well, Dr. Desai is on vacation for the next month."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Idiot: "Well, you will have to come see another doctor so that they can evaluate you and see which tests you need to have done."
Me: "I need to have all of these tests done. I have a letter that has been mailed and faxed twice to your office. It has a specific checklist of tests and referrals I need. There is no choice. I can't have my surgery until I have these specific tests done."
Idiot: "Do you have a date for your surgery yet?"
Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

So I made an appointment with some random doctor for tomorrow afternoon. I can't do this phone shit with the idiots anymore. Now I can go in with my folder full of info and research and just get the damn referrals. There is no way they can deny this letter in person. It is very, very specific. If this doctor tomorrow doesn't give me my god damn referrals I am going to drag her upstairs to go talk to my surgeon. I am over this shit. There is a difference between putting in effort and not having anyone listen to a word you say. I am goin' in there tomorrow and kicking some serious ass.

everyone else is an idiot.

I read stuff online all day about people who have this procedure done (it is the closest I can be to already having it done myself). I am always amazed by the amount of people who will still whine about something that made them sick or get excited because they discovered they can still eat cheesecake. Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you undergo a potentially fatal surgery just to test the boundaries like that?

No, you can't drink soda. No, you can't eat Thanksgiving dinner like you used to. No, you don't get to drink the yard-long margaritas in vegas (yes, someone I was reading about actually was sad she couldn't drink those yard long margaritas in Vegas. She was also there with her husband and 2 kids! DON'T BRING YOUR CHILDREN TO LAS VEGAS!!!!) Drink fucking water people!!

Yes, you have to take vitamins (not flintstone vitamins people!) Yes, you have to take in THAT MUCH PROTEIN! If you don't, your freakin' hair falls out!!!! Nothin' hotter than a fat bald chick! Yes, you have to drink that much water. You have to keep your damn self hydrated. I don't care how much "pop" you used to drink! (And by the way, I am now officially disgusted by middle america's lifestyle choices. I can't tell you how many people I read about who used to drink over 2 liters of "pop" a day.)

You know what you do get to do? Be healthy. Live to a ripe old age. Keep up with your friends. Wear anything you want to. Sit anywhere you want to. Shop anywhere you want to. Feel good on a daily basis. Not be the fattest person anywhere. Is that worth only eating a little bit of turkey at Thanksgiving? FUCK YES. Is that worth only drinking water and non-carbonated/sugar free beverages for the rest of your life. Hmm, let me think. It fucking better be! Look past the food for 10 seconds and see what your life is going to be like, people.

Internet research about something you really care about just tends to support the whole idea that most people out there are pretty dumb. *sigh*

Hoops to jump through

Here's all the stuff I need to get done before I can get my surgery date:

Echocardiogram
Treadmill Stress Test
Electrocardiogram
Chest Xray - DONE
Abdominal Ultrasound
Pelvic Ultrasound
CBC, Electrolytes, BUN, Creatinine (blood work)
TSH (bloodwork)
Prolactin (bloodwork)
Cortisol (bloodwork)
Upper GI Endoscopy
Evaluation/Clearance by Mental Health Care Professional (this should be good!)
Nutritional Consultation by a dietician/nutritionist
Documentation by PCP of weight loss of 15lbs.
Attendance of at least one support group held by Bariatric Surgery Clinic at UCSF
Attendance of one Nutritionist group at UCSF

Hey, if this is gonna make me healthier for surgery, bring it on! Can't wait to find out results to all this cool stuff!

Perseverance pays off! or Damn it - my second grade teacher was right!

Yee haw!!! Did I just say that? Ok, forget it - here is why I am excited:

So you know that I was getting the run around from the docs since you have obviously been unable to satisfy your desire to know more about me and have been reading and rereading every post I write. Right? :) Well, I decided to take the approach of just calling and calling and talking to different people in the doctor's office until someone does what I want them to do. It worked! Today I spoke with Marvin - lovely man - and he took down the list of everything I need to get done and said that referrals would be sent to my work in 5-7 business days. I am so freakin' excited! I finally get to start this. I am so glad!!!

I do plan to call them in 5 business days if I haven't received anything yet, though. My persistance won't be going away much. Who knew I could have so much motivation towards anything? I guess I did. :)

sidenote - hating my mac

I grew up using apple computers. (I took a mac classic to college with me for fuck's sake.) But I am hereby declaring my love for the PC. I work on a fantastic, brand new PC all day at my job. I am in charge of all the PCs at my office and have therefore made sure they bow to my every command. 9-5, m-f... all good in the techno-hood.

Now. The evening time. *sigh* I come home to my 5 year old imac. I want to do fun things like add links to my blog or play on myspace and leave image comments for people. Sounds super nerdy and perfect for a Monday evening, right? Tell that to me lime green "super" computer!!!! My computer is too slow and retarded to even be allowed to have a little "link"button at the top of this window. Yes, I can write the code myslef but THIS IS NOT THE POINT! I want to be allowed the option to use the advanced editor on myspace, not have the stupid site break it to me (via a little pop up bubble, i might add) that my computer is too dumb to do this. Limey too stupid to play ball with big kids.

Decision made. I am bringing home my newly reformatted "extra" computer from work and I will officially be switching over to PC. I can't take the back and forth anymore. Now I so know how those dudes with secret families in, like, singapore feel. Let the extra family go, man. Dedicate your love to one. make sure you pick the family yo like more though, bro - you don't want to get stuck with old Limey, here!

First disappointment

and not surprisingly, it involves people not knowing what their jobs are!! I called my PCP's office to see about getting my referrals for all my tests I need done. The woman I talked to (Yolanda) told me (and not all that nicely) that my surgeon needs to be referring me for these tests; not my PCP. I explained that the letter I received from the surgeon (that was sent to my PCP) expalined that I was to be referred by my PCP. Yolanda was not believing me on that one.

I knew this was going to happen. This is why I know this is not going to take only the 6-8 weeks the surgeon's office said it would. People just don't care. They are overwhelmed and underpaid and don't care to put anything through until they are harassed about it. This is why I wanted an appointment with my PCP in August. Well, they cancelled it! WTF?!? I have bad luck in these matters. I don't do so well with an HMO.

I am not letting this one go, though. I will keep calling every day until someone calls me back. I want these tests done. I want all of this figured out and that is it. I want my surgery scheduled. I am not just going to forget about it. Not this time.

To Do List

Cross my legs
shop at betsey johnson
sit in the middle on an airplane
Ride piggyback
run
live on a hilly street
sit in any resaturant booth
sit in a hammock with someone
sit in any seat on the train
use a regular bath towel
buy shoes that are pretty instead of comfortable
go to vegas with 20 bucks and last an entire weekend
not fill out an entire chair
paint my own toenails comfortably
try snowboarding/surfing
get up easily from indian style on the floor
hike
go to an amuseument park and not worry about fitting on all the rides
have a "little black dress"
borrow a sweatshirt/jacket from someone regardless of who it is
wear heels to work
hop a fence
play on the swings at the park
eat in public and not feel like I am being stared at
do online dating and be overwhelmed by emails
run into someone from my past and not be recognized
sit and hug my knees
do yoga
see my shoulder blades
ride a bike
have "one size fits all" fit me too!
fit into a hospital gown
dance all f'ing night again
get picked up and swung around
rollerskate in the park
see an outfit in a store window and know I could just go in and buy it
Get a mani/pedi and not be uncomforatble



to be continued.....

Plans

I was going to sleep last night and just kept planning what I am going to do before my sirgery and after. I thought about buying like a toy set of dishes - really tiny ones like in that Mrs. Piggle Wiggle story. It'll help me keep the portions under control and hopefully make it so I don;t have to go through that whole eating too much and barfing thing.
I walked for a few miles yesterday. I walked more than I have in a realy long time, actually. i went out to bfast inhe richmond with emily and we walked from 23rd and geary tot he park then we walked all over the park tothe bison paddock then we walked in further to catcht he N. We tookt he N to 9th and irving and went to starbucks. Then we went to a random gem show we found near the botanical gardens (em makes jewelery) and then walked around the botanical gardens fr a while. It was pretty great. My heel is hurting today - not quite syure why; I was wearing my good walking shoes. Oh well - fat is fat. I am carrying around another person on my person!!
I just want this to happen. I want the rest of my life to start. I can't believe that i will have a treadmill by next week. Wow. I will fnally be on my way. This is freakin' fantastic.

The excitement still builds!

I am still so excited about this process. I have spent all day at work online looking at everything from the change in myvirtualmodel.com to plastic surgery pics to books on surgery. I am just so excited about it all. I can’t believe that in a year I could be down like 80 pounds. If I really do everything right (and I swear I am going to) I could probably be down 100, even. Next summer is going to be so different. Wow. My 30th bday is gonna be amazing. I think I will drag my sisters to vegas with andrea and whoever else will come with me. I will be so much smaller. Wow. I think this time around will be better for me too cuz I am just a different person and at a very different place in my life. Don’t get me wrong – I may go a little crazy with the men. Ok, I most likely will. But I will definitely not be as crazy with my $$ as before. I need to stay responsible – I know it makes for a happier life for me. Maybe I will do something I would never do like go camping or hiking. I could go climb a mountain. Hell I could go do anything! It’s going to be quite the journey.

No news back from my doctor yet but I am still gonna hold out for a response. I will call her on Monday if need be. I really just want to get these appointments started asap. I want this surgery to happen in November. I don’t want to wait another minute more than I have to.

Can't stop thinking about this!!

I heard back from my doctor via email. She said she would get started putting my paperwork through. I am hoping to get all my referrals through fax or mail. I just want to get this done. I don’t want to wait anymore. At least I have a treadmill coming next week.

And so it begins...

This hereby begins my gastric bypass journal. Today was really the first step. I went in for my first surgical consultation today. I will be getting a laparoscopic Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass. Beware: there is a really weird looking cartoon naked fat chick when you follow this link. It's alittle disturbing.

I really like the physician's asst. Her name is Lynda. She was so thorough and she answered all my questions. She was reassuring but at the same time she was realistic. She really went through everything about before, during and after with me. Lynda said I would have to lose approx. 17-18 pounds befor emy next appointment with them, so 6-8 weeks from now. I can so do that. I can honestly say that there wsn't a second when I doubted this was what I should be doing.

My surgeon's name is Dr. Campos. He was... well.. a surgeon. he wasn;t very friendly but I guess i don;t need him to be. i need him to be a really good surgeon. He has done 250 operations - 75% of them have been laparoscopic. From what i read about him online, he seems to be pretty freakin' amazing. He went through explaining everything Lynda had pretty much already told me, except he had a little flip chart with pictures. He was much sterner with me - almost accusatory - but that might have just been me seeing the difference between him and lynda.Dr. Campos told me I need to lose 15 pounds by the time I am in again. Easier than 17 or 18. I will lose as much as I can though. It's not like I am only trying to aim for that! The more I lose, the easier the surgery will go. There is a layer of fat that surrounds the liver and other internal organs when you are fat. I carry my weight in my middle so my fat there is even more than other people's. If I don’t lose enough weight/fat there, there is a 5% chance that they would have to do an open surgery instead of laparoscopic and i so don’t want that. Laparoscopy means i will only have several holes to scar rather than a huge vagina lookin' gash down my middle.

I got a list of tests and evaluations I will have to get done so that i can have surgery. i know I have already had some of the blood tests done in the last year plus I just got a chest xray so that will all be fine. I was supposed to go in a see dr. desai on the 19th but i got a call today that they are canceling my appt. so now I have to call and beg to get an earlier one. i am sure she will try to get me in sooner - I hope! I emailed her today letting her know that I will have to do all this stuff - i think i will email again to tell her I got cancelled.

After meeting with Dr. Campos, I met with Rekkha. She is the admin who will be helping me with any insurance issues I might have. i am so glad they will be dealing with that. I was so not wanting to have to deal with calling the insurance company and everything.

So once I get all my tests done and they get approval, I go back in to meet with Dr. Campos and Lynda again and i get my surgery date. Lynda said that the date they give me should be within 4 weeks of that appt. I can try and get one in December instead if there s one open. i am just going to try and get the soonest one, I think. I just don’t want to wait anymore.I want this to all begin. I want to start getting healthy. I have been waiting for this for so freakin' long. I want to be normal. I want boys to check out my profile and like/dislike me for reasons other than that I am fat. i don’t want to have to scan profiles to see if they will date "full figured" girls before i consider them. It is shitty. Makes me feel bad, ya know? I should get to be picky. I should have the choices - we should all have choices. I am just sick of picking from a puddle instead of a pool.

Well, here's to a new beginning. I will keep writing as things develop. am hoping to keep this going through the whole procedure - good and bad. Wish me luck, kids. Maybe I will start my own website. :)