Waking up with Neely
So there is this crazy thunderstorm happening right now. It is awesome. I mean, nothing like the East or the South but it is awesome for here. I think it might be passing though. That's sad. I will miss it.
It was weird waking up this morning to this storm, having just been in the middle of this crazy dream. (It is truly pouring here right now.) I dreamt it was Oakwood graduation and Ari had already died. I, along with others (Adam, Eric, Davina, others like that) were going to speak at the graduation ceremony. Well, it was at this beach, like we were up on a bluff and the guests were all seated below ont he sand. I was sitting in the rows of graduates, in my nice, albeit incredibly ugly, suit and I sudenly grabbed a big, black magic marker and wrote A-R-I in huge letters down my forearm. In my dream I just remember thinking, "He should've been here." When the time came to get up and read our things, I, of course, couldn't find mine. I had left it at home in some notebook. I even remeber searching the computer that was near me for some reason and not being able to find it. I still got up, though. I figured if nothing else I woul dmake a joke about me forgetting my speech and how much Ari would have laughed at me. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Scrawling A-R-I across my forearm in big, black sharpie letters still does.
He would have been 30 on the 30th of this month. It would have been an amazing party. I could have laughed at him for turning 30 first. I would have gotten him a gift he would have thrown in a drawer with the rest of them. Eh. He was never fun to give gifts to; I probably would have stiffed him or written him a really heartfelt, mushy card. That is much more my style.
Enough of my chaotic Ari'ness this morning. Let's move on. I am officially in the 230's - this mornign I was 239. I did discover last night that if eaten in small bites, and very slowly, I can consume cookies. Stupid girl for even trying. I ate 4 bite sized mrs. fields cookies. Not doing that again so please stop with the phone calls telling me what I should and shouldn't do (that is said with love, my sensitive people). I know what is good for me and bad for me and even with all that this surgery did for me, I am still myself and I still have my brain to deal with so let me do this how I need to. I appreciate check ins and all the support but just don't warn me about anything anymore, or chastise me when I do badly. I know what it takes to make this work and I am working really, really hard every single day to do this. This isn't easy. And every day I have to make a whole new set of choices. Some days I do great and get the right answer everytime. Some days I choose poorly and I can only move past it and make the right choice next time. This is really, really hard and it takes constant commitment and vigilance (shout out to mad-eye) and I intend to do my best every mornign when I wake up. So we'll see.
Sorry for that random tirade. It's as muc a reminder to me as it is a rambling thought to all of you. Enjoy your Sundays.
It was weird waking up this morning to this storm, having just been in the middle of this crazy dream. (It is truly pouring here right now.) I dreamt it was Oakwood graduation and Ari had already died. I, along with others (Adam, Eric, Davina, others like that) were going to speak at the graduation ceremony. Well, it was at this beach, like we were up on a bluff and the guests were all seated below ont he sand. I was sitting in the rows of graduates, in my nice, albeit incredibly ugly, suit and I sudenly grabbed a big, black magic marker and wrote A-R-I in huge letters down my forearm. In my dream I just remember thinking, "He should've been here." When the time came to get up and read our things, I, of course, couldn't find mine. I had left it at home in some notebook. I even remeber searching the computer that was near me for some reason and not being able to find it. I still got up, though. I figured if nothing else I woul dmake a joke about me forgetting my speech and how much Ari would have laughed at me. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Scrawling A-R-I across my forearm in big, black sharpie letters still does.
He would have been 30 on the 30th of this month. It would have been an amazing party. I could have laughed at him for turning 30 first. I would have gotten him a gift he would have thrown in a drawer with the rest of them. Eh. He was never fun to give gifts to; I probably would have stiffed him or written him a really heartfelt, mushy card. That is much more my style.
Enough of my chaotic Ari'ness this morning. Let's move on. I am officially in the 230's - this mornign I was 239. I did discover last night that if eaten in small bites, and very slowly, I can consume cookies. Stupid girl for even trying. I ate 4 bite sized mrs. fields cookies. Not doing that again so please stop with the phone calls telling me what I should and shouldn't do (that is said with love, my sensitive people). I know what is good for me and bad for me and even with all that this surgery did for me, I am still myself and I still have my brain to deal with so let me do this how I need to. I appreciate check ins and all the support but just don't warn me about anything anymore, or chastise me when I do badly. I know what it takes to make this work and I am working really, really hard every single day to do this. This isn't easy. And every day I have to make a whole new set of choices. Some days I do great and get the right answer everytime. Some days I choose poorly and I can only move past it and make the right choice next time. This is really, really hard and it takes constant commitment and vigilance (shout out to mad-eye) and I intend to do my best every mornign when I wake up. So we'll see.
Sorry for that random tirade. It's as muc a reminder to me as it is a rambling thought to all of you. Enjoy your Sundays.
posted by Neely at 10:32 AM
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